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Old 04-04-2012, 05:10 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
This is where you get into the territory of is she doing it because she enjoys it or because it's something she feels she "should" do in new relationships. We often do this. Do all sorts of things we don't or only marginally enjoy because we so very want to please our new partner. Once the relationship has ripened, then we feel confident or "cool" enough to not do those things anymore.

My view on this is very simple. If you don't really enjoy something, let's not do it. The last thing I want is someone giving me a blow job not enjoying it. Not even if it's done enthusiastically.

One of my partners asked that we try something she knows I enjoy by she doesn't like. I wouldn't do it unless we can find a way for her to enjoy it - not tolerate because she loves me.

There are situations where someone likes something with someone else but not with you. I chalk those situations up to the complexity of compatibility. Maybe my anatomy isn't well suited for that particular thing or perhaps I'm uncomfortable and it shows. With good communication, you can often determine what's the deal. And, today, I can let those things go.

There was a time when I felt slighted if a partner didn't give me their everything, whatever I liked. That's terribly coercive, even if subtly. It is one sided. It is also naive to think that our likes will perfectly overlap or that her experience will be the same (or better) with me than other partners.

So, instead, I find it much more productive to explore our sweet spot and allow that to blossom and morph as it does. Lots of day to day stuff can kill passion in a relationship. I try really hard to not let my envy get in the way of the passion that we share.
Sorry for using up so much space, but I just couldn't snip it anywhere. Thank you so much for this, MindfulAgony. Just beautiful.

I love that I have a reached a place where if I don't feel it, I'm not doin' it. I've *had* to do that, in part because of my poor ol' body, which objects to many things I want to do. But it's so freeing. I love sex, and I love most things that are possible. And sometimes, I just can't. I used to try to do it anyway, and that only ends up in pain. I used to feel badly about not being able to do something, and that's just emotional pain. Much better to stick to doing what I'm into. Less pain for me, my body, my heart; and less pain for my partner!
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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