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  #11  
Old 04-04-2012, 05:10 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
This is where you get into the territory of is she doing it because she enjoys it or because it's something she feels she "should" do in new relationships. We often do this. Do all sorts of things we don't or only marginally enjoy because we so very want to please our new partner. Once the relationship has ripened, then we feel confident or "cool" enough to not do those things anymore.

My view on this is very simple. If you don't really enjoy something, let's not do it. The last thing I want is someone giving me a blow job not enjoying it. Not even if it's done enthusiastically.

One of my partners asked that we try something she knows I enjoy by she doesn't like. I wouldn't do it unless we can find a way for her to enjoy it - not tolerate because she loves me.

There are situations where someone likes something with someone else but not with you. I chalk those situations up to the complexity of compatibility. Maybe my anatomy isn't well suited for that particular thing or perhaps I'm uncomfortable and it shows. With good communication, you can often determine what's the deal. And, today, I can let those things go.

There was a time when I felt slighted if a partner didn't give me their everything, whatever I liked. That's terribly coercive, even if subtly. It is one sided. It is also naive to think that our likes will perfectly overlap or that her experience will be the same (or better) with me than other partners.

So, instead, I find it much more productive to explore our sweet spot and allow that to blossom and morph as it does. Lots of day to day stuff can kill passion in a relationship. I try really hard to not let my envy get in the way of the passion that we share.
Sorry for using up so much space, but I just couldn't snip it anywhere. Thank you so much for this, MindfulAgony. Just beautiful.

I love that I have a reached a place where if I don't feel it, I'm not doin' it. I've *had* to do that, in part because of my poor ol' body, which objects to many things I want to do. But it's so freeing. I love sex, and I love most things that are possible. And sometimes, I just can't. I used to try to do it anyway, and that only ends up in pain. I used to feel badly about not being able to do something, and that's just emotional pain. Much better to stick to doing what I'm into. Less pain for me, my body, my heart; and less pain for my partner!
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  #12  
Old 04-04-2012, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Sorry for using up so much space, but I just couldn't snip it anywhere. Thank you so much for this, MindfulAgony. Just beautiful.
You are welcome. Glad it resonated with you. Also, awesome that you've come to terms with your body that you both can agree on
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  #13  
Old 04-04-2012, 06:03 PM
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Great replies! Wow! What an awesome welcome to polyamory.com! Thank you!

"If you're otherwise happy with your sexual relationship, don't let this bother you. If your wife is open to your requests, ask her for it like the others have said. However, I'm guessing your wife is like mine and asking will do nothing more than irritate her."

In my specific situation, it doesn't irritate her to ask. If I bring it up right it can be a turn on even. You are right not to let it bother me much. I like to think of geese and ducks oiling their feathers so that the water rolls right off of them and they dont soak it into their down. Still, you know what it's like to be bothered and have to process to let go...

Life can be such a passion-killer!

My wife has two jobs and two men in her life. she has almost no time to herself. Lately with all the hot sex and such, she's been bleeding when she isnt "scheduled" to menstruate. That it totally unusual and has freaked her out a lot.

Its both an exciting and weird role to be in with her. I am not the stud any more...we have this hot fresh man who fills that role. I am more like the comfy nesting partner now. I dont really like that, although I understand it.

No, he doesn't touch me hardly at all. We touch a little, a little massage some hand holding while having a threesome, etc. I've gone down on him and jacked him off a bit, but that's all. We dont kiss, and he hasnt touched my genitals in any way. Maybe some day, but maybe not. I'm not pushing for it. I dont care either way at this point, although I consider the concepts and ideas of exploring bi-sex with him.

I call him our boyfriend for convenience sake. He's really my wifes boyfriend, and they only get it on when i am there also. I dont think either of them want to take their sexual relationship away from me right now. i mean that they aren't interested in getting together and having sex without me there. Maybe they think about it, but they have both told me that they dont think it could happen without me there. I am the reassuring catalyst to it they say. Maybe sometime, but not right now. So for now, my wife and I are a package deal, and if they want to get hot and heavy, I have to be there.

So I guess a dynamic is appearing to me now. I hadn't envisioned it, but it is happening. It is like I am in a large way the conduit for them to get together, and it is not really as much about us all having a threesome. Of course in that role, I'll be on the sidelines much or most of the times, although I can force myself into the mix and use my weight to change things to include me more often.

Thanks for the great feedback!

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  #14  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:02 AM
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Sounds like its time to let him and her go so they can be together. Either that or start adding hot oral to your repertoire so that you can get some good long oral also. Why not ask for that.

If they are really together, maybe it is time. I had a shared lover with my husband for a time and it really became obvious that we needed our own time together and that he and I were hitting it off more. Its okay, it happens. It might be better in the long run to let it go and let her give him those blow jobs in private. Part of his lack of cumming might be due to you being there no?
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  #15  
Old 04-05-2012, 01:59 PM
Windstar Windstar is offline
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Yeah RedPepper, you very well may be right. Thank you for the thought stimulator here.

They both say that they want me there, and I definitely need to take their words into serious account. However, also their energy towards each other is more energized than it is towards me. So perhaps simply we are all heading in the direction of them separating from me, but they aren't quite there yet...i.e. if they were totally ready then they would tell me.

I'll start thinking and feeling out the idea of them separating from me now--before it comes up.

I have another thought, but I'll start a new thread for it, as it is worthy.

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  #16  
Old 04-05-2012, 07:09 PM
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I don't know if you are, but try not to take their shift in energy personally. It happens. Them wanting you there sounds like they are connected to you but differently. You don't have to be there if its starting to make you feel jealous and like a third wheel. That much info about their connection is not necessary or something you shoulkd have to have. At some point relationships need privacy in terms of intimacy I think.
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