Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
  #12  
Old 04-04-2012, 04:37 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
You're essentially saying that if you're monogamous you go for a very specific type of relationship (i.e. sexually and romantically exlusive dyad) but if you're poly that you should be open to any other type of relationship.
No, actually, that's not what I was saying at all. For example, I'm straight, so I don't want to be in a triad with another woman. Therefore, I wouldn't say I "should" be open to any configuration just because I wish to practice polyamory. I wouldn't fit into just any configuration.

I have no problems with having an ideal or wish list, as I said earlier. Personally, my poly daydream is to live independently, on my own, and have four male lovers, all straight, each of whom I see at varying frequency. I allow myself to entertain that fantasy. Will it happen for me? Who knows! Will I go about looking to find people specifically to work them into that fantasy? No, I don't think so. If I might catch myself "auditioning" someone to fit one of those roles, I would hope that I can snap out of that and start seeing the reality of who's in front of me, and let it all play out on its own.

I don't want to be a collector, I want to forget about such fantasies when I'm with someone and connect with them on a heart-to-heart human level and see if we're compatible, then take it from there. I might be surprised. My fantasy might come true, or I might end up moving in with two bi guys and we're all getting it on, or I might just wind up monogamous and be deliriously happy with it. But there are people who strive in a somewhat myopic way to fit potential prospects into situations they want rather than relating to the person for who they are and see what dynamic develops naturally. I feel like it's the striving for a certain shape that isn't necessary, and can be detrimental if it blinds us to other possibilities. It's great if the people one meets are naturally inclined to the same sort of configuration you want and there is discussion on how to make it work. But I just think it should always start with the people rather than the configuration. I'm just saying to be open to what life brings us, so as not to miss the gifts we might overlook if we're only seeking a certain size and shape "container" for our love relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
What about people who naturally favour a particular relationship style? Would it not make sense for them to go finding people who also want that relationship style and doing that together?
Sure, ain't nuttin' wrong wit dat!

Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
I make no secret of the fact that I'm most interested in a non-exclusive triad with two bisexual women, that's the relationship style I want more than any others. I'm not completely closed off to any other possibility though, it's just my preference. That doesn't mean that I take any woman I find that I'm potentially interested in and try and shoe-horn her into the position, it means I look for people who also prefer, or are interested in, that style of relationship.

Of course, I might end up meeting someone and go for something completely different because of who they are or what they want, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having a particular relationship configuration in mind.
Exactly. Have it in mind, hope that it can happen, even work to make it happen, but don't make it a rule and still allow for other possibilities.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-04-2012 at 04:40 AM.
Reply With Quote
 

Tags
plural marriage, polyandry, polygamy, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:11 AM.