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  #71  
Old 04-03-2012, 07:28 PM
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I don't think you're cuckolding your bf. Your lover may sometimes boast about being able to "have you" or steal you from your bf, and so he might think your bf is a cuckold, but I don't think that is why you are involved with your lover. You were with your lover first, and your bf knew and accepted it, was also seeing others, so he wasn't just putting up with it and being humiliated. His feelings seem to have deepened toward you and he's changed his mind about being with other women, but I don't really think you are cuckolding him.

Now cuckolding can be done on purpose as a fetish, if a guy wants to be cuckolded, but I doubt that that's what your bf wants. Do you think he might want that and not realize it? It's always possible that a part of him, as a kink or fetish, gets turned on by the idea of being humiliated -- and maybe that's why he keeps asking you about your lover's dick. He might not even know that he could be turned on by this. I don't understand humiliation as I always want to feel empowered during sex, but I know some guys really get off thinking about their women being serviced by "bulls" - guys with big dicks - but especially guys with bigger dicks than theirs. Does he get really lusty after he asks you these questions? Maybe you could say, "I won't answer you until you fuck me" and see if it revs his engines during sex to hear about your lover's big cock. But if it just seems like he's insecure and upset about you and your lover, then I doubt it's humiliation and cuckolding he wants.

Really, though, before all that, I do think you and your bf just need to have a heart to heart discussion about any discomfort he has surrounding your continuing to see your lover, and I also think limiting it to once a week might be helpful if he is feeling neglected.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-04-2012 at 02:20 AM.
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  #72  
Old 04-03-2012, 10:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Yes ... definitely the lover is playing that game....and when you said you got turned on by the attitude or arrogance I was thinking that might fuel such comments....so in effect you may have some involvement. You know the type of conversations you have with the lover surrounding your satisfaction. What type of safe sex practices are employed. Does he time things so you go home with evidence of the encounter on you or in you as a reminder or calling card....all subtle ways of playing that game for his own thrill. Is there any passing contact between them ...pick ups or drop offs... subtle eye contact or smiles. You'd have to review this in total to see if it has merit.

Your BF...the why...

My thought is from the point of a 28..29 yr old male ... first off it is a huge deal he's watching your kid. At 28 I wouldn't have gone on a third date if I knew you had a kid. I wouldn't have wanted the extra trouble ...the responsibility... I was barely responsible for myself let alone someone else's kid. The whole thing would have been terrifying. Also I'd wanted all those firsts ....just me but I think its a huge deal.

I think this is like dating people who at some point want to become exclusive.

If I was thinking this was moving into a long term relationship would I want to know this stuff and why?? Well... so I could base my decision on not being the sensitive nice guy, supportive, babysitter cuckold. At this early stage of your relationship with energy run high you'd want to be at the top because its really a matter of things going down hill. And if you all really sub par ...then whats to look forward to. 4-5 yrs, another kid , complacency....then what.

And whats your motivation not to tell him the truth ... because you don't want hurt his feeling...... or really you want keep the father figure to your son and the sweet loving supportive nice guy.

Also are you really poly or are just trying to keep what you got...best of both worlds ...no hard choices...you said you wouldn't be able to handle him having a similar relationship or deeper...he may actually like and love a new partner...then what? So if you met a young single guy with a big dick and incredible staying power would you feel the need to have multiple relationships.... let say lover boy moved away or had a early heart attack and is on the bench. You need to figure this out as well ...you don't want to push for something create all this pain and torment to find out you really aren't into sharing.

Last edited by dingedheart; 04-03-2012 at 11:45 PM.
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  #73  
Old 04-04-2012, 09:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post

1) Do you think that my lover and I make a cuckold of my boyfriend, and if so, do you think that what I'm doing is really terrible, because sometimes I think it is. What do you think?

2) If you think we are cuckolding him, do you think I should stop now, and just be with my boyfriend? You can be honest, because thats what I want, it's not as if I have people to talk to about this. Only two people know, and although they dont have a go at me about it, I know they dont approve.
1. I don't think you have been purposefully cuckolding him, but I do feel like your lover is considering it that way, or at the very least acting as if he is the Alpha/primary and your BF is Beta/secondary (added in the A/B since he seems to be a Dom to you in a lot of ways, that gets into mindsets I don't have experience with) . I do think them meeting might/should help, but a few things you've said about your lover makes me unsure, since he might be a dick to your bf, he might not, only you know him well enough to judge that. Nevertheless, if they were willing, even if not eager to meet, I'd certainly encourage it. Putting a face to somebody can really help a person go from a 2D idea to a 3D human.

I wondered if you were enjoying that aspect because of a couple reasons - more than once lover has tried to one up BF, and you might tell him to shut up, but you allowed him to continue to disrespect him (though you later clarified that he doesn't anymore...honestly I wasn't really sure you were being honest about that) and because of the paragraph where you said "Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me from my boyfriend at anytime. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on in a way." To me that tied into you supporting his belief he trumps your boyfriend, and that you were turned on by his "Alpha" attitude.

2 I think if your lover CONTINUES to disrespect your boyfriend, you should stop now. That could mean ending things with your BF, or your lover, depending on what you really want. If your boyfriend is NOT OK with the attitude your lover has...I do think he deserves to know if you allow that attitude in a partner, and to let him make his choice on if he will accept that or not. Again, if anybody spoke like that about my husband, even if it was a D/s or M/s relationship, once would be the limit. I really don't know what a person who is enjoying being cuckholded feels, if your bf likes it and doesn't know, figuring out if he gets something out of that could be tricky. You have talked about how he seems unhappy though, so I'd imagine he wouldn't be so agitated if it was benefiting him (probably posting to a cuckcold forum on fetlife.com could get more useful advice on if cuckolds can feel agitated but happy at the same time). Nycindie has more useful advice on that too.

Some questions to ask are do you feel unhappy at BF's unhappiness, or are you indifferent to it and just want it to stop so it doesn't interfere with the relationship with your lover? Are you actively bothered when your lover gets arrogant, or are you flattered instead of actively standing up for your relationship with BF?

I just think it's smart for you to know what is important to you, so when you are talking with your BF you aren't hedging or lying or trying to spare feelings instead of being truthful with where things stand. Maybe you also want to ask your lover about his wife's other partners, that could help you learn a lot about how he thinks in general, if it's just your partner (possible future partners) that he feels he can insult. Hopefully by now you've cleared up boundaries around what you will and wont tell your boyfriend about your intimate life with your lover, which was the original reason for this post, more or less.
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  #74  
Old 04-04-2012, 06:35 PM
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I think that once the sex dies down (even good sex gets kinda mundane and routine with time), you will find that your lovers arrogance and attitude doesn't make for a long term thing. I think you will find that your bf is a keeper and his attitude and patience will shine through as a better long term choice. Based on what you have said here that is what would happen for me. Bottom line is that good sex doesn't make a positive sustainable relationship. I would be taking it for what it is and chucking his ass when I get bored. I would also let him know that I am using him for the sex and that he can stay if he wants, but I would make no bones about why I wouldn't want him around after the sex buzz wears off. Your lover is not a man I would chose to begin with though. Dis my partners, yer out. Ya, it can be hot to have a man that thinks he will win me over others, but if it isn't kept general and he uses names? I'm done. I have far too much respect and admiration for my partners to allow that for one second.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-04-2012 at 09:13 PM.
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  #75  
Old 04-05-2012, 01:38 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
The love you have for your boyfriend really shines through in your posts Aurelie.

I think the post that I have quoted is so sweet, and I hope you have told your boyfriend that you have never known another man who was able to shoot such a heavy load. The part where you say it can fly a good few feet made me laugh. I knew a guy like that once.

Yes Brid75, I always tell him how amazing it is, and he is suitable proud of himself.
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  #76  
Old 04-05-2012, 02:05 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
1. Yes. It's only terrible if your boyfriend isn't a willing participant. I would be very concerned about the fact that your boyfriend doesn't wait up for you anymore and that he places your son between the two of you after you've been with your lover. It seems to me that he has gone from a willing and supportive participant to a begrudging and hurt bystander.
Yes, this does really bother me. I have asked him why he does this and told him that I miss him waiting up for me..........He tells me that I'm being stupid, he says that he cant wait up for me because I come in to late and he has to be up early. He also says that my son has got used to sleeping with him when I'm not there and that Max likes it. I dont believe him, and I know he pretends to be asleep when he is not sometimes.

Tommorrow, I'm going to tell him how much this upsets me, and ask him if he will wait up, if I promise to come in earlier.

Also, if he is a begrudging and hurt bystander, I want him to tell me, at the moment he just sulks, and says the odd thing like "Does he have a big dick."
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  #77  
Old 04-05-2012, 02:38 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
You really do seem to love your boyfriend so much, and it really surprises me that you are so eager to continue a relationship that is hurting him. Your relationship with your lover seems purely sexual.. Am I wrong about that? Why not try to find a DIFFERENT sexual partner who is comparable in size, stamina, and interests (I'm thinking mostly of the BDSM side here)
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So if you met a young single guy with a big dick and incredible staying power would you feel the need to have multiple relationships
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would be taking it for what it is and chucking his ass when I get bored. I would also let him know that I am using him for the sex and that he can stay if he wants, but I would make no bones about why I wouldn't want him around after the sex buzz wears off.

The problem with this is that I love my lover. As I said in my first post, I love both men. Yes, I would be the first person to admit that he can be an asshole, well the first person after his wife, he is not the most likeable person, but he is basically, when it comes down to it, a good man.

My lover and I started this relationship two and a half years ago, and although our relationship depends heavily on the sexual aspect, there is more to it than just that, for both of us. Dingedheart, any guy with a big dick and staying power is not enough for me. I have no interest in casual sex with a person I dont love.

No, I dont love him in the same way as I love my bf. I love my bf more, I care about him, as well as being my lover he is my best friend and is also now the father to my child. We have a lot of things in common, we like the same things, we have fun together, we have the same temperament. When I think of him I smile.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-05-2012 at 02:47 AM.
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  #78  
Old 04-05-2012, 03:29 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The reason he doesn't wait up for you is the cuckold thing. The pain and or humiliation is rubbed into his face. His denial tactic is going to sleep and wake up to a new day.


The point of my comment was instead of cobbling 2 relationships together if the right person came along that could fulfill a high percentage from both would you need a poly life?

Last edited by dingedheart; 04-05-2012 at 03:35 AM.
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  #79  
Old 04-05-2012, 03:40 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think you're cuckolding your bf. Your lover may sometimes boast about being able to "have you" or steal you from your bf, and so he might think your bf is a cuckold, but I don't think that is why you are involved with your lover.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Yes ... definitely the lover is playing that game....and when you said you got turned on by the attitude or arrogance I was thinking that might fuel such comments....so in effect you may have some involvement. You know the type of conversations you have with the lover surrounding your satisfaction. What type of safe sex practices are employed. Does he time things so you go home with evidence of the encounter on you or in you as a reminder or calling card....all subtle ways of playing that game for his own thrill. Is there any passing contact between them ...pick ups or drop offs... subtle eye contact or smiles. You'd have to review this in total to see if it has merit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
1. I don't think you have been purposefully cuckolding him, but I do feel like your lover is considering it that way, or at the very least acting as if he is the Alpha/primary and your BF is Beta/secondary (added in the A/B since he seems to be a Dom to you in a lot of ways, that gets into mindsets I don't have experience with) . I do think them meeting might/should help, but a few things you've said about your lover makes me unsure, since he might be a dick to your bf, he might not, only you know him well enough to judge that. Nevertheless, if they were willing, even if not eager to meet, I'd certainly encourage it. Putting a face to somebody can really help a person go from a 2D idea to a 3D human.

I wondered if you were enjoying that aspect because of a couple reasons - more than once lover has tried to one up BF, and you might tell him to shut up, but you allowed him to continue to disrespect him (though you later clarified that he doesn't anymore...honestly I wasn't really sure you were being honest about that) and because of the paragraph where you said "Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me from my boyfriend at anytime. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on in a way." To me that tied into you supporting his belief he trumps your boyfriend, and that you were turned on by his "Alpha" attitude.
I'm not sure that my lover thinks of my bf as a cuckold, he has never used that word, but he has said things about him, mostly in sex talk. I have never talked about what my bf is like in bed to my lover, never once. He has never asked, but he is, as I said, arrogant. He will just assume that he can satisfy me in a way that my bf cannot. Sexually He will think he is an alpha male, he knows he has a big dick, he knows how good in bed he is, and that he makes me cum over and over. He does not say this stuff anymore however, I have no doubt that he thinks it though, and that it turns him on, and this is what upsets me.

He really does think that I'm with my bf only because I cannot be with him. I have told him how wrong he is, but as I said, he is arrogant. His confidence and arrogance is something that I like, he is my dom, sexually I do what he says. It is something that has always turned me on about him. It does not turn me on when it is directed towards my beautiful boyfriend though.

I am not turned on by the thought of my bf being a cuckold, my bf is my primary, and other than my son, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and in no way does the thought of him being humilated turn me on. If the three of us can get through this, I would like them to meet. If my lover was to meet my bf, I know he would really like him, I know because everyone likes him. He would be able to see why I love him so much, and I think that would help him to see him in a positive way. If they were to meet, I dont think my lover would act like a dick.... When I met my lovers wife, I could see why he loved her. It did not take long for me to see how connected they were. We arent friends, but we do meet from time to time, and gossip about my lover. I like her, she has never been anything but nice to me.

I have never thought that my lover cumming inside me is his way of him leaving a calling card, and I doubt that is true. However, my bf used to like to give me a bath when I came home from my dates and maybe his motivation behind that, was this. I've never considered it before though and I dont know.

My bf and lover have never met, nor set eyes on each other.
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  #80  
Old 04-05-2012, 03:45 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The reason he doesn't wait up for you is the cuckold thing. The pain and or humiliation is rubbed into his face. His denial tactic is going to sleep and wake up to a new day.


The point of my comment was instead of cobbling 2 relationships together if the right person came along that could fulfill a high percentage from both would you need a poly life?
No, I will never, ever willingly give my boyfriend up......Ever! My lover will be long gone before I allow that to happen.

Also, I want a poly relationship, I want the two men that I love in my life, but only if everyone is willing.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-05-2012 at 03:58 AM.
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