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  #21  
Old 02-09-2012, 05:55 AM
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I had some revelation today, on the way to the chiropractor. I've been home sick for two days and I figured having my neck way out wasn't helping anything.

Probably shouldn't have driven myself. I have a personal rule (okay, it's obviously more of a guideline) that I don't drive with a fever unless I have to. Current bf was off work and home, and would have driven me if I had asked. But I know it would've been a burden to him and and and...I dunno, I just went.

But I was thinking about that most of my closest people would rather I was not with these two men. Not that I wasn't with two men, but these two in particular. And I wondered to myself why I choose difficult paths for myself. There has been zero about either of these relationships that has ever been 'traditional'.

Then I had the thought that I am a better person. I thought about the universe providing what I need, rather than what I want. Not that I have ever been all that clear on, or demanding of, what I want.

I was raised to be incredibly dependent. I had a piss-poor model for a romantic relationship. One side only ever had one grandparent (in my lifetime); other grandparents ~ grandpa passed when I was 6, and had been busy dying of lung cancer since I was 1 year. My mother was a narcissist and my father is a sociopath. [I was conversing at a meetup once and said this, totally appropriate to the convo, and one woman said, 'are you okay?' Honestly, it was the sweetest thing. And I said, 'I am now.'] My father started seeing other women almost right after I was born. Some of them came home with him, my mother served them dinner. I did not know these were affairs until I was in my late teens. (I dunno, maybe it was later. I did find out my folks were having sex as teens ~ and my mother wanted to kill my father for telling me) But I was infused with all her warped notions of romance and the unspoken text that one should do anything to keep a man, and yada-endless-effing-blah.

The revelation on the way to the chiropractor, was that if I had men who catered to my nuttiness, I think I would lazily fall back into that dependent position. I would count on them to be my everything (and that's just ridiculous, I hate that when people do it to me, I don't want to do it to someone else).

So my men give me the opportunity to step up and learn about taking care of myself, and that I can be loved without having someone be everything. I wish I had someone that wanted to drive me to the doctor's office; but if I did, I'd likely find them boring because they had no life of their own. That's a huge exaggeration, and I hope I'm making my point.

I actually have another ex who brought me cough syrup one day (several months ago) ~ because I asked him to. I knew he was home (he's retired) and I really was incapable of going out. He handed me the bag, while staying as far away as he could, and we were having the briefest of conversations. His girlfriend called, and obviously asked what he was up to. He told her, and she blew a gasket. I think she must've said '*I* needed cough syrup and you didn't bring me any.' because what he responded was 'She asked me. You didn't ask.' That was a HUGE lesson for me.

It's nice to know I have help when I ask. It's irritating to know they'd rather not be asked. Irritating in the way that makes pearls, I think.

I'm a pearl.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #22  
Old 02-09-2012, 12:33 PM
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Thanks for sharing November. As to asking for things, I remember a great line from one of Kurt Vonnegut's books, The Sirens of Titan, on the last pages of the book. A female character has this epiphany:
Quote:
"The worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody," she said, "would be to not be used for anything by anybody."
I agree. I can't think of something more dreadful then to be useless, and this is especially true if someone feels useless to the people they care most about. So when you ask for things from people who care about you, sure, they may groan at times, but you may want to keep Vonnegut's words in mind. Usefulness, ofcourse, can (and should) be used as leverage to get things that people want. But what people want doesn't have to anything tangible. Sometimes all they want is to feel useful and appreciated, or to simply feel that if -they- were ever in a situation of need, they would be helped.
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  #23  
Old 02-21-2012, 06:08 AM
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Thanks, Scott, nice sentiments.


I'm still really sick, I was out of work four days. Went back last Monday, but by Friday was pretty damn useless. I think I'm finally some better. I *hate* staying in the house resting. I'm a terrible patient. I'm also an extravert, and the lack of people makes me a bit nutty on top of being sick.

So yah, Valentine's Day was a bit weird for me. Nice, lovely, and weird. I dragged my butt outta the house to mail valentine's to my boyz. We had a potluck at work, that was mostly junk food. Made a reservation at a thai restaurant we hadn't been to before, for me and Current bf. He's so adorable. I made the res, and he just figured he'd pay. Surprised him with my gift certificate (from a neighbor for cat-sitting). They had a special menu and it was delish. So romantic. Local tv celebrity was seated next to us, that was fun. He wore his suit (a real rarity for him). I got teased for not wearing red at work ~ 'I only have one red shirt, and I'm saving it for my hot date tonight' Yah, my hot (fevered), congested, kleenex-filled date.

Had very mushy email exchanges with First bf. Seems different, he does. More open to me or something. I could be imagining it.

I have so much uncertainty with these men. I am certain that they both love me, and pretty fiercely. But I think they love me in their languages (which, after all these years, remain glaringly obscured to me) and maybe not mine. Maybe mine sometimes. It's not that I feel unloved. It's more like my ideas aren't met, and if I take the trouble to examine them, a lot of my ideas are very old conditioning, and not things that need to be met.

I'm damn grateful to live alone so no one has to see my misery with a virus. I don't like to blow my nose with company around. I've learned to do it, because not doing it is miserable. On the other hand, I just wish someone would bring me some soup without me having to ask every time.

I'm beginning to think that Current bf is a huge romantic non-physical physical love. aaaaaargggg makes me nuts. We cannot be in a room without touching each other. He talks almost incessantly in sexual ways. Whenever I have sex with him, it's LONG past when I wanted to (it's always so long that I cannot remember the last time we did). And I just can't wrap my brain around that. Is it just because it's so different than me?

I've always had a hard time sorting out people's behaviour from their words. My parents behaviours rarely matched their words ('everything's fine' when it never was) and I always wanted (want) to believe the words instead of the behaviour. First bf has so few words, it's much easier to look at/believe the behaviour and the behaviour is all NRE right now.

I'm starting to like this blogging stuff. It's useful.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #24  
Old 03-01-2012, 08:09 AM
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I went and took the Five Languages of Love quiz thing. I think I actually own the book (and never read it).

It explains some stuff. Not that it was really a surprise.

Love Language Scores:
6 Words of Affirmation
3 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts
10 Acts of Service
10 Physical Touch

It's unusually to have scores like that. It was hard to take the quiz, because I kept wanting to say yes to both. I kept reading the service ones, and thinking 'but no one ever does that, so I have no idea how I'd feel if it happened.

(have to say more later, I cannot keep my eyes open)(snzzzzzzz....
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #25  
Old 03-04-2012, 07:14 PM
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I'm going to Vegas, baybee! First bf is having a birthday, and we're having a road trip to celebrate. He's been there several times, I've never been. (never!) I'm totally spazzing, as that's what I do before I go on vacation. *sigh* We're going in my car, which is good, because I can bring EVERYTHING. I want to take (and wear!) my black leather pants (which I recently got at a thrift store for $10!!!) but I don't have decent shoes. :P My feet are huge, and narrow (12N). So there aren't many shoes that size AND because my joints are loose, I really wear nothing but court shoes (tennies).
When we get back, I get to go spend a weekend with my parents. I'm unbelievably excited to not be at work for a week and a day.

From before, about the love languages. Each bf fulfills one of my top two. It made a lot of sense to me. Current bf and I are like magnets, it's impossible for us to be in the same room or car and not be touching. First bf only likes to snuggle until he doesn't. It was hard for me when we were mono (all those years ago). First bf often does amazing things for me, that I can tell he put effort into thinking of me and what would make me happy.

Being able to allow that is wonderful. Being able to not resent First bf when he needs to not be touchy and being able to not resent Current bf for being completely self-absorbed ( ) is wonderful.

Will check in with you peeps when I return.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #26  
Old 03-09-2012, 09:06 PM
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I'm back. Sort of.

It was a really great trip. I was late (I'm genetically incapable of arriving anywhere on time). My asthma was really bad in the car on the way to pick up First BF. I let myself have a coffee because I knew we'd be on the road all day. I told him I was bringing EVERYthing because it was my car; and I forgot my nice new pants that I really wanted to have. I was worried about being in the car so much, because I my body has deteriorated some since I used to do big road trips. We travel well together. I was pleased. Our iPods have different music but we managed to find things that made both of us happy.

Arrived late and went out exploring a little bit. Had lovely sexy time. His wake/sleep cycle is so different than mine, and I'm generally half-unconscious by the time he's even interested. Challenging.

Second day, Current BF called and we all talked a bit. Current BF told me he had called First BF to wish him happy birthday. First BF didn't mention it. But Current BF was good & plastered and trying to convince First BF to come to a dinner party his mom is having. He's got other plans that day. It was very nice for me, because it touched on old times when the three of us spent lovely time together. I'm still nervous about the three of us, just because we haven't all been in a room together since we became a vee. Current BF is like magick glue that makes things like that okay. I adore that about him. He's so inclusive in all his life.

Somewhat nervous about First BF, as he's 'leaked' some things that make me wonder and worry if he's as okay with it as he seems. I worry that he's in it because it's what's available, rather than what he really wants. On the other hand, I know he was sort of unhappy when we were exclusive, and as an introvert, he feels he can't give all that a girl wants/needs/deserves, and so he's happy that I can get some of what I need from not-him. And I worry because he's not extremely talkative about it all. He has insight, he's just ... I don't know. Perhaps that's my hook. *sigh*

I think they move glacially and I move like lightening. It's good for me, it really is, to slow down, and know that everything's okay and I can just rest and bask in their love and goodwill.

I do feel utterly, hopelessly, deliciously loved and fulfilled. I'm the luckiest girl in my world. <3


and I have shin splints from hiking way more than my body can handle. Off to epsom salts! I'm so loving vacation. I'm at home on Friday and not at work (because I'm going on mini road trip to visit my parents the rest of the weekend).
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #27  
Old 04-03-2012, 06:54 AM
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So, today I freaked out a bit.

I was lonesome on the weekend. First bf was being his introverted self and not talking to the world. I don't care about the world, he wasn't talking to ME.
Which he does from time to time.

But I also haven't had much fact time with Current bf, and I was lonesome. I'm wrestling with my mountains of stuff. I'm not great at 'taking care of myself.' Even on good days. But I've been making myself stay home and 'clean.' And I'm making progress. It's just so slow. [I'm not a hoarder, but sometimes I watch that show to kick my butt into gear.]

And today at work was very hard. I got a new employee (and have no clue or experience how to welcome one ~ I have no formal/proper training as a supervisor, and without that, I'm very reluctant to comment. I know my subject matter, like a glove; but management, not so much.). Plus, every day we go in there's some kind of bad/difficult/horrific/life altering/mind-numbing news. Mondays are exceptional for that sort of thing.

So, I called Current bf and persuaded him to join me for lunch. So sweet. We had wonderful time. He loves to laugh and always has comedy on his eye-tunes. I went back into work with Jonathan Coulton in my head, crooning Baby Got Back. How can I look at my office and not laugh, with that going on?

And First bf did write this morning, and that was comforting. Current bf told me (tonight) that he called First bf, and did mention that I was concerned because I hadn't heard from him. I love that my men are problem solvers. I'm'a need to learn to be more careful what I say. It's odd. They both told each other they'd been avoiding the world; and both agreed they should hang out. Which was uber comforting to me.

So, enough about the good stuff.

At lunch, Current bf was talking about going to pay his rent (we live in the same apartment complex, different apartments) and talking to the office ladies about me and a one bedroom. I'm living in a three bedroom (where I used to live with him) by myself, and he moved to a one. I've been pestering them for a one bedroom for a while now. He mentioned one next to him was open. He was saying if they didn't have one, he'd move into an upstairs and I could have his downstairs (I can't live upstairs).

Against all the better judgement I have in me, I said 'so you don't want to move back in with me?' [remember: I'm the one who booted him out. He didn't want to go in the first place. But neither did he fight me on it. He was ready to go.] He didn't even hesitate, 'I'd LOVE to move back in with you.' And we had some conversation about it. I heard him acknowledge he'd need to change some stuff. And yes, I'm not falling for that one again. When he changes, he can move back in. Not before.

Anyhow, I percolated that all afternoon; shared with a friend; perked some more. I realized that what he wants is a roommate, who he can fuck on occasion. (and by occasion, I mean about half the federal holidays)(srsly)
And what I want is a partner.

It's helped me a lot, reading here about people's struggles with what they want. What they think they want, what they discover they don't want, and all that.

He's not ready to be a partner. He doesn't particularly want a partner. I feel sad that we don't match in that.

Enough of the sad stuff. On to the really terrifying stuff.

So, when we were having conversation about him moving back in, he said the cool thing was that we'd get the better bed (he bought a new bed when he moved out and it's better than the one I kept). He was speculating on what we might do with the old one. 'Maybe we could put it in the guestroom.' <NR's heart stops> 'You know, for guests, like First bf' <NR's soul collapses in hysterics>

I want to, I really want to, and I have such a hard time even imagining what it might be like to sleep with one of them while the other is in the next room. I read Phy's blog and think that sounds so fabulous and how much I would love to do that with my men. But he says that and I wig out!

I said, 'you know First bf would never live with us unless he had the apartment over the garage.' and he agrees.

AH! just checked my email. First bf is coming to visit. Will be interesting to discuss with him. And I believe we're going to a party. I've actually got no idea how he will respond to the potential of sleeping with me in the guest room if Current bf is in the bedroom.

There's also the Robert Rimmer way, and I can stay in my bed and send Current bf to the guest room. If I'm going to be the Queen, I'm going to be the damn Queen!

I think I'm up too late.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #28  
Old 04-03-2012, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I want to, I really want to, and I have such a hard time even imagining what it might be like to sleep with one of them while the other is in the next room. I read Phy's blog and think that sounds so fabulous and how much I would love to do that with my men.
Meh ^.^ All I can say: make sure that the walls are thick enough ... who am I kidding, make sure that they are soundproof! This topic is really getting on my nerves, I am ready to invest in some additional insulating material by now
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  #29  
Old 04-04-2012, 01:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
[I'm not a hoarder, but sometimes I watch that show to kick my butt into gear.]
I definitely have hoarding tendencies (as do my sisters and my mom) - we all agreed that watching the show inspires us to get rid of stuff (can't just throw it away usually...but Goodwill gets a big load of crap, as does the recycling center/scrap yard)

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I want to, I really want to, and I have such a hard time even imagining what it might be like to sleep with one of them while the other is in the next room. I read Phy's blog and think that sounds so fabulous and how much I would love to do that with my men.
Our house has absolutely NO soundproofing whatsoever and only ONE bedroom (king-size bed - I get the middle). Good thing nobody is shy! MrS says that it was initially awkward hearing me and Dude have sex (he would turn up the TV or stereo)...now he is just happy that I am enjoying myself...

On the other hand...hearing Dude and his (now) ex having sex always grated on me when they stayed over. I could never fall asleep until they were done and always seemed to have to pee sometime in the middle (I would have had to walk through the room they were in to get to the bathroom - considered climbing out the window and peeing in the woods - even though they said they would have been fine with me walking through).

I think that may have been ultimately due to the fact that I just don't LIKE her...I can imagine hearing him having sex with someone who I like (and who likes and cares about me...like my girl VV for example) and just cheering them on in my head

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #30  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:58 AM
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Quote:
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Meh ^.^ All I can say: make sure that the walls are thick enough ... who am I kidding, make sure that they are soundproof! This topic is really getting on my nerves, I am ready to invest in some additional insulating material by now
Yah, that's why I think all of us in separate apartments is just fine.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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