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  #21  
Old 04-01-2012, 07:42 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Thumbs up pitfalls

Before i write about my religion and polyamory, I wold like to talk about the pitfalls, that we have to be careful for a long lasting relationship mentioned my Ms Anita Wagner. and how it applies to us

PITFALL : Lack of Poly Education - All 4 of us have read quite extensively all the information available on net on this subject

PITFALL -- Lack of Basic Intimate Relationship Skills - We have 21 years of married life and the other couple more than 16 years of married life. We can justifiably claim that all of us have that basic skills building of intimate relationship. Also over the last 10 months after living together we have developed intimate relationship, only after which we have have taken the decision, and in the past few weeks, we have openly discussed before fixing the boundaries, and I am glad to say that there was not much of a negotiation was required, since all our views were almost same

PITFALL Falling Victim to the Kid in the Candy Store Syndrome. - this will definitely apply to us, sinnce the decision has not been taken in a hurry and the long gestataion period has ensured that we have not taken the decision based on N R E

PITFALL : Letting Guilt, Fear and Jealousy Get the Best of You - The understanding, trust we have developed over the past year will make sure that these negative feelings will not have any place in our relationship

PITFALL : Failing to get what poly demands of us all - All of us have understood that we have what is required for an enduring relationship, reason being that the relationship is basically built on love and the emotional attachement that has developed over a period.

PITFALL : The Challenges of Poly Parenting - This is not an issue at all with us, as we see it. Our only son is planned to to go to USA for his post graduate studies after his graduation next year and most probabalt will settle down there like his uncle and my cousin has no children

PITFALL : Living in the community and avoiding any negative impact - Sine we will be living in the same building and we are related, we need not go public in our immediate neighborhood and among our friends' circle to avoid this. and it looks quite natural if i go out with my cousin or my husband going out with his wife.


We are quite mature people and we understand that we are not perfect. We do expect some adjustments have to be made as we go along and we cant be very rigid about the boundaries we have set now.
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  #22  
Old 04-03-2012, 09:03 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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Have you all worked out any boundaries? What if one of you gets pregnant?

Alexi
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  #23  
Old 04-03-2012, 09:16 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Smile Hinduism and poly

After our New Year day (Ugadi) which we all celebrated with great joy and enthusiasm, son left for coorg to visit his friend, and from there he will be going back to his college, . Now I have got a little free time to write about the decision we had jointly taken. Before that I want to tell about our religion and our religious background.
As I had already mentioned, we are upper cast Hindus and who are quite religious and ritualistic. According to our religion marriages are for life and there is no provision for divorce, even though now legally it is possible to get a divorce as per the Hindu marriage act, which was passed by our parliament after independence. In our religion, marriage is a sacred relationship, a Devine covenant and a sacrament. Marriage is a part of Hindu dharma, which once accepted, should be upheld by both through out their lives. And cannot be dissolved thro’ divorce. Divorce as a concept is alien to Hinduism
.As for as we going against religious sentiments, I have done quite bit of reading on net and based on that I found that:
The Vedas and the Hindu religion itself do not outlaw polygamy or polyandry, meaning we going poly will not be against our religion
This conclusion was based on the fallowing statements from various researchers
A)women loving and accepting two men as husbands at the same time
"The earliest known proof of polyandry comes from Sumer the Harappan civilization ". According to one researcher "the practice of polyandry, known alike to the gods and men, harks back to the age of the Rig-Veda. The Vedas, the Sutras and the Smritis, the Mahabharata and the Ramayana, the Buddhists texts as well as the Jains, Kautilya and the Kamasutra all attest its existence in early India. And the evidences of literature are reinforced by the later iconography and art and by the presence of polyandrous pockets from Tibet in the north right down to Ceylon in the South". The equivocally of the prevalence of polyandry in India in the past, especially when Draupadi got married, is very clear from earlier writings.
Polyandry has been practiced in India and is still practiced by a minority. The popular Hindu epic, Mahabharatha provides a striking example of polyandry, Draupadi, daughter of king of Panchāla being married to five brothers. Vysasa says that the custom of taking more than one husband has existed in the country since time immemorial. It is therefore historically justifiable

Non-fraternal polyandry exists among the Kota; and among the Karvazhi, Pulaya, Muthuvan, and Mannan in Kerala. In 1911 Census of India, E.A. Gait mentions polyandry of the Tibetans, Bhotias, Kanets of Kulu valley, people of state of Bashahr, Thakkars and Megs of Kashmir, Gonds of Central Provinces, Todas and Kurumbas of Nilgiris, Tolkolans of Malabar, Ishavans, Kaniyans and Kammalans of Cochin, Muduvas of Travancore and of Nairs.

As per the researchers: polyandry may be wiped out in India (but may remain in few cases in some isolated pockets) by the end of 20th century or at the end of first quarter of next century. Thus in future, it will remain only in the books, especially as ethnographic material of the past. But they might be proved wrong of the emerging trend of the skewed gender ratio
But in fact, sex-selective abortion in India and the resultant skewed gender ratio might bring back polyandry as an accepted practice in India

B) My husband and cousin accepting both of us as their wives
Rig-Veda certainly permits polygamy though monogamy may have been the rule
Polygamy was rampantly practiced in ancient Hindu society. An address by Bhishma to King Yudhishthira in the Mahabharata, succinctly endorses this fact: "A Brahmana can take three wives. AKshatriya can take two wives. There was one example of polyandry in the ancient Hindu epic, Mahabharata, Draupadi marries the five Pandava brothers. Regarding polygyny, in Ramayana, father of Ram, King Dasharath has three wives, but Ram has pledged himself just one wife.
The Hindu god, Lord Krishna, the 9th incarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu had many wives at his kingdom in Dwarka. In the post-Vedic periods, polygamy declined in Hinduism, and is now considered immoral,[9] although it is thought that some sections of Hindu society still practice polygyny, in some areas.

Based on all this and with the intention of making our relationship permanent and to obtain a religious sanctity, we have decided on on our next step
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  #24  
Old 04-03-2012, 09:28 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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Urmila, very informative write-up indeed. In Hindu Dharma there are no restrictions of any kind and they come under smritis as distinct from sruthis (eternal values). And the beauty of Hinduism is things are very fluid, in that, one can adapt to the required situation of the times we live in and evolve. It is a very dynamic process initiated in your ancient religion or way-of-life.

Alexi
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  #25  
Old 04-03-2012, 10:47 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alexi View Post
Urmila, very informative write-up indeed. In Hindu Dharma there are no restrictions of any kind and they come under smritis as distinct from sruthis (eternal values). And the beauty of Hinduism is things are very fluid, in that, one can adapt to the required situation of the times we live in and evolve. It is a very dynamic process initiated in your ancient religion or way-of-life.

Alexi
very true Alexi,
Only because of the lack of rigidity in Hindu dharma and the ability to adopt and evolve, based on the requirement of the time has made this ancient religion prosper for such a long time and survived even after the onslaught of external religious forces
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  #26  
Old 04-03-2012, 11:47 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Originally Posted by alexi View Post
Have you all worked out any boundaries? What if one of you gets pregnant?

Alexi
because of the complications i had, during my son's delivery and on the advice of my gyno, i cannot concieve. and as my cousin's wife has some problem because of which, they dont have children. By a miracle, if she becomes pregnant, it will be God;s gift and all 4 of us will be parenting, but legally my cousin will be father and his wife will be mother. Frankly we all hope and pray that to happen, but we all know while that odds are against it
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  #27  
Old 04-04-2012, 05:45 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by urmila View Post
Based on all this and with the intention of making our relationship permanent and to obtain a religious sanctity, we have decided on on our next step
I am a little unclear about this. Can you please elaborate?

Alexi
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  #28  
Old 04-04-2012, 06:20 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Smile next step

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexi View Post
I am a little unclear about this. Can you please elaborate?

Alexi
Hi alexi
I am writing about it and probably i will be posting that today
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  #29  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:11 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Thumbs up getting a seal of aproval

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexi View Post
I am a little unclear about this. Can you please elaborate?

Alexi
When i wrote that we want to make our relationship permanent and get a religious sanctity is that
we have decided that I get married to my cousin and my husband will get married to cousin’s wife in a religious ceremony according to Hindu rites ( Please click in link for the details http://hinduism.about.com/od/matrimo...ng_rituals.htm )
In addition to these rites, tying of a mangalasutra by the groom around the neck of bride is an important part of south Indian marriage. On the wedding day, a yellow thread is prepared by using turmeric paste and is tied around the bride's neck with three knots during the marriage ceremony while the priest recites Vedic hymns and partakes in prayers. (Later, the mangalsutra may be restrung on some auspicious day in the form of a necklace made of gold and black beads strung together on one or two yellow threads or gold chains with an elaborate pendant of gold or diamond. In an arranged marriage, the design of mangalsutra is usually chosen by the groom's family in keeping with their customs.) Since both of us had our mangalasutra with a pendant, it was decided that we will get this modified adding another pendent in the chain signifying our status of having 2 husbands. We have already placed order with the goldsmith and we expect it to be ready by April first week. Another ritual is the groom puts on the toe rings on brides second toe (Wearing of toe rings is practiced in India. It is worn as a symbol of the married state by Hindu women. They are usually made of silver and worn on the second toe of both feet. It is somewhat similar to the western culture where a married woman will be wearing the wedding ring on the 3rd finger of the left hand) We decided to leave the existing rings in place and add one more set during the ceremony(l see attached pics)

Regarding the actual marriage ceremony, we have decided to have a temple wedding in a small town in south Tamilnadu, where we know such marriages are performed. The priest will give us the auspicious day and the time, after studying the horoscopes of the groom and the bride and if we pay the money required for performing ceremony and the wedding lunch for specified number of guests, all the arrangements will be made by them. We only have to take our wedding dresses, mangalasutra and the toe rings
In the second week of April, my husband and my cousin are going to that town and meet the priest and explain that mangalasutras of their wives were snatched away by a pair of youths at knife point, when they were on their early morning walk. Since it was considered as a bad omen the wives are insisting on going thro’ the wedding ceremony again, during which new mangalasutras can be tied around their neck. And request him to fix a single day for both the pairs and informing him that only 4 of us will be coming and requesting him for conduct the marriage ceremony and provide a wedding lunch for about 25 guests, invited by the priest from the local Brahmin community.
We are hoping that the priest will be convinced with this and oblige us, thus providing us the religious sanctity for our second wedding but with different partners. By this we hope to eliminate hierarchy and there won’t be any primary and secondary relationship either. Our poly life will statrt from that day and we will keeping it private, by not revealing it to anybody including my son.

I will narrate very briefly about a few of the boundaries we have set, within which we want to live, in my next letter
Urmila
Attached Images
File Type: jpg mangalasutra- old and new.JPG (4.1 KB, 10 views)
File Type: jpg toe rings.JPG (9.7 KB, 9 views)
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  #30  
Old 04-05-2012, 11:54 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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Smile Innovative and unique

Thank you very much for your post, Urmila. Really it's a grand idea and innovative and unique indeed.

In this I am reminded of the Oneida commune experiment. Or is it the Kerista... I am not very sure.

But the fact you are going through a religious ceremony just about makes commitment to the new relationship imperative.

Keep us posted of the progress.

Best Wishes

Alexi
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