The difference between love and friendship.

[lacunacoil]

Originally Posted by StarTeddy

What I realized was that for me, friendship is not qualitatively different from love, but that both lie on the same continuum. To me, the things that make a good friend are the same things that make a good lover, and if I get along really well with a friend, that feeling turns into romantic interest... But for him, it's not necessarily like that.

What do you guys think?

I think most people see it more like how he does. Probably because society forces people to box all of their relationships into certain categories or something?

I'm more like you, though also very different I think; it's not necessarily that every good, close relationship grows into a romantic relationship, but since I already love all my friends, it's only a matter of how far we'll have our relationship grow and how we choose to express our individual type of love.

I guess my point is that each relationship with someone is a wholly unique thing, and whatever labels we do or don't put on it, it's only about what works for you and the other person. To me, the way your friendship-romance continuum works seems a little sad. (I don't mean to diss it at all. I would just feel alienated without the ability to have close relationships with people who I can't have romantic relationships with.)

Anyway, don't mind my ranting. Love and live on. (:

[Scott]

Originally Posted by lacunacoil

I think most people see it more like how he does. Probably because society forces people to box all of their relationships into certain categories or something?

I'm more like you, though also very different I think; it's not necessarily that every good, close relationship grows into a romantic relationship, but since I already love all my friends, it's only a matter of how far we'll have our relationship grow and how we choose to express our individual type of love.

I think I work that way as well.

Originally Posted by lacunacoil

I guess my point is that each relationship with someone is a wholly unique thing, and whatever labels we do or don't put on it, it's only about what works for you and the other person. To me, the way your friendship-romance continuum works seems a little sad. (I don't mean to diss it at all. I would just feel alienated without the ability to have close relationships with people who I can't have romantic relationships with.)

Anyway, don't mind my ranting. Love and live on. (:

I agree that just because you have a close relationship with someone doesn't mean it has to be a romantic relationship. I don't think that StarTeddy meant this either; she did say that her feelings of attraction didn't have to be reciprocal.

[StarTeddy]

Originally Posted by lacunacoil

To me, the way your friendship-romance continuum works seems a little sad. (I don't mean to diss it at all. I would just feel alienated without the ability to have close relationships with people who I can't have romantic relationships with.)

It is pretty sad, to be honest. The type of person I am is highly desirable among the kind of guys I hang out with, so even if I don't develop feelings, my friend usually will. My three closest friends at the moment all have some type of interest in me. The last time I had a purely non-romantic friendship was in high school, and she was a woman. Even then, she was crushing on me hard and I had to turn her down because I don't like women.

I wonder, actually, if some of this confusion happens because of the way I show my affection. I took the love languages test earlier today and my main one is touch, by a long shot...so the way I express love, even to my friends, can come across as "coupley", and probably why I get strange urges to cuddle with some of my friends, even though I'm not sexually attracted to them. This was actually something that got me in trouble with my ex-best friend; I was always so touchy with her that she thought I was leading her on!

[Scott]

Originally Posted by StarTeddy

It is pretty sad, to be honest. The type of person I am is highly desirable among the kind of guys I hang out with, so even if I don't develop feelings, my friend usually will. My three closest friends at the moment all have some type of interest in me. The last time I had a purely non-romantic friendship was in high school, and she was a woman. Even then, she was crushing on me hard and I had to turn her down because I don't like women.

I wonder, actually, if some of this confusion happens because of the way I show my affection. I took the love languages test earlier today and my main one is touch, by a long shot...so the way I express love, even to my friends, can come across as "coupley", and probably why I get strange urges to cuddle with some of my friends, even though I'm not sexually attracted to them. This was actually something that got me in trouble with my ex-best friend; I was always so touchy with her that she thought I was leading her on!

Interesting point. I frequently think that our society is touch starved, myself included. In such a society, the mere act of touching someone may get them to read into things or at the very least awaken sexual desire. There is another point as well- where is the line between a "normal" touch and a "sexual" touch?

[SimonSays]

I believe that both love and friendship is about trust

Friendship is how much you trust someone with your own private information and how much you believe they have your back, a friend is a person you will be vulnerable around.

Love is how much you will change your life selflessly for someone else because you WANT to (not because they demand it). When you love someone completely, i believe you would sacrifice willingly for their happiness without being asked or told, only because you place their needs above your own. The love for a child is as pure as it gets I believe, you would sacrifice all and anything for your child, even your life. The love I have for my wife of 20 years is truly unconditional and also like that, I would give almost anything for happiness. We have other people in our lives we love at different levels. Some I would take a day and help them move in spite of that feeling like torture. Some I would leave my job and start a company with. Our trinogamous partner I would sacrifice home, money, my own needs, for her happiness as well having her move in with us was a huge leap of faith in the relationship with her, I think that's love. Leaps of faith, leaps of vulnerability, the willingness to make leaps of honesty and trust in someone.

[rory]

Originally Posted by SimonSays

Love is how much you will change your life selflessly for someone else because you WANT to (not because they demand it). When you love someone completely, i believe you would sacrifice willingly for their happiness without being asked or told, only because you place their needs above your own.

Holy crap, do I ever disagree! I don't know if you mean that literally as strongly as you wrote it... I hope not. But if that is done by one person in the relationship, it leads to them sacrificing to the point of resentment or feeling like they don't know themselves anymore. If it's done by both persons in the relationship, neither will be getting what they actually want.

I think a healthy and loving way is to view a loved one's as equally important to one's own. Even in the case of a child, it is also in the best interest of the kid for its parent to take care of themselves as well as the child. With a child you are responsible for the child's needs and of your own. But in a partnership, even as needs are seen as equally important, each adult is primarily responsible for getting their own needs met, but the loving thing to do is to not be in the way of the other adult getting their needs met, and to help whenever possible.

I think seeing partner's needs and wants as equally important to one's own needs and wants is a lot. I think seeing them as more important is too much. I also think seeing one's own needs and wants as fundamentally more important than other person's is too much to the other direction, and selfish. That actually goes for any relationship, whether aquintances or friends or partners. Obviously, recognising the importance of other people's needs and wants doesn't mean that you need to put all your energy into making sure they are met. Usually partnership involves some extent of pooling of resources (whether financially or time/energy-wise), so often all strive for something that is more important to one than the others, and that is great. I simply don't think it's healthy to sacrifice one's own needs (or too many wants) in the process if they for some reason aren't compatible.

[Bunny]

I have similar feelings. I have trouble keeping platonic friendships. It feels completely normal to me to go to bed with a friend and still feel platonic friends...that doesn't make sense! But what's a friendly 69 between friends? It doesn't feel normal to not be allowed to touch my friends. When I was in monogomous relationships I would end up not hanging out with my friends because being a good girlfriend meant not having romantic or sexual feelings for other people. I ended up feeling isolated, lonely, and needy on my boyfriend. My preference for social interaction is very high and no one person has ever met it. I'm much happier being poly! XD