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  #11  
Old 04-01-2012, 01:11 AM
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You're not "the bad one." The hard thing for any person, whether mono, poly, bi, straight, gay, whatever, is time. And when we meet a new love, we want to delve into that because oxytocin, the love hormone, is a powerful. And adding a new relationship is never easy. You wouldn't be saying all this unless you really cared about him and his well-being.
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  #12  
Old 04-01-2012, 05:04 AM
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I know you are all right, that it takes time etc...
But I am stressing out so much that sometimes I think I am going crazy.

Is it like that just for me?? I just ant to cry all the time

----
What I wanted to say about the other side; of his needs.
We are also into bdsm, him more, me less. We sometimes bring other girls to play with, he'd say they are for me as I am bisexual, but I am not that interested, I am very picky (can't have sex/bdsm play with people I am not attrackted to + silly people who I don't connect to during conversation) at first I'd be mad, making faces and all, but then I realized that it is what he needs for himself (he is submissive in bdsm, I switch). Anyway I started letting him do thing because I know he still loves me At first I thought "am I not enough? how could this be??" but it makes sense, sometimes we need something else.
But he refuses to understand me as I understand him because my case involves feelings for another person.

How can I explain to him that beteen me and him nothing changes? (without bringing terms like polyamory, another partner, etc...)
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  #13  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by insanity View Post
How can I explain to him that beteen me and him nothing changes? (without bringing terms like polyamory, another partner, etc...)
why would you want to?

I suggest reading some threads on jealousy and having him look at them too. You can find them by doing a tag search.

I can't see how this going on and a wedding is going to ease your stress. Weddings are super stressful and so are poly dynamics. I agree with Dinged, call it off until this is sorted out or take a break from the girlfriend. Do you want this marriage to work out? It means a deeper level of commitment. You having threesomes just to make him feel better is not going to keep you together. Working on his jealousy and getting into a routine where you have alone time with her away from him is going to keep you together in my opinion.
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  #14  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:26 AM
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Can't show the forum to him for two reasons, the main one is that his English is not good enough, the other one is that I don't want to shove words down his throat such as polyamor, secondar relationship, whatever, etc..

I don't believe in weddings, I think after the wedding nothing changes, we are commited to eachother now as we would be later on, this is just an awesome party (and to please the parents on the way). So there is no need to wait with the wedding, it will just add more stress.

I want to really get to him without pushing it too much,
I've seen here few good advices, but I'd like to hear more opinions, pesonal experiances.

I do look around the forum, but still, would like more responses if it is possible
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  #15  
Old 04-01-2012, 03:25 PM
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What's his native language? And where do you guys live?
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  #16  
Old 04-01-2012, 05:05 PM
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You keep mentioning not pushing him too much or using language that includes certain words such as poly. What's wrong with using a language that works around this stuff? That is why it has been created and formed.... so people can use it to express themselves.

If you love this woman and love him, then why are you not willing to face up to the hard stuff and start creating a better situation for all of you? You seem resistant to any suggestions. Your commitment to both of them seems kind of half ass to me. Like you want to brush it off and hope it goes away without you dealing with it. Even your coming here to write about it and seek advice seems half ass. Do you want our suggestions or are you here to prove everyone wrong and that you'll be just fine? It sounds like you aren't fine or you wouldn't be here.

Have you read any threads on jealousy? I am finding that you want a quick answer for something very complicated and involved. This is not something that you can just plaster up and forget about. Jealousy runs deep. Its not a matter or saying "just get over it."

If it doesn't work for him to read stuff because of whatever reason then find out for yourself and share what you find. You seem to just want to dismiss it all and not talk about it. I highly doubt that you will get to the bottom of it if you aren't willing to talk about it in some way that moves him forward into solving some of his issues. There is a reason he is jealous. Its not coming out of thin air. Jealousy is made up of many emotions that stem from years of experiences and traumas and you seem to just want to brush that aside.

As to the wedding. Why marry if you aren't into it? You are getting married for your parents? What?! Are you serious? Why? You seriously think this is going to work if it is for someone other than yourself?

I sense a large portion of denial in your posts. It makes me wonder how much you actually deal with some of the hard stuff in life or respect that others go through stuff. Does your fiance feel the same way about this wedding? I'm completely baffled as to what you are here for at this point.
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  #17  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:58 PM
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LotusesandRoses; we live in Israel, we speak in Hebrew here (his native language is Hebrew, mine is Russian..)

redpepper; you are right about most of the things, I might say "no" to suggestions here at first, but then I come back, reread stuff and it seems like a good idea to me..
He asked for now not to call it names, so i respect it.
However, today I let myself tell him in a more clear way that I like her (won't say love or in love now, since I haven't stated it to her anyway...) it is hard for him to understand how can I still love him the same and like her...

He said he needs time to process..I hope he gets it soon..

About the wedding, yeah we are both okay with it, it is all good, the problem is not there.
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