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  #21  
Old 03-30-2012, 10:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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KM and Arrow, what's the big deal about ex's? I wouldn't care about former loves one iota, unless I knew they were lunatics. What's the reasoning behind this? I can't quite fathom why it'd make any difference.
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  #22  
Old 03-31-2012, 12:37 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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KM and Arrow, what's the big deal about ex's? I wouldn't care about former loves one iota, unless I knew they were lunatics. What's the reasoning behind this? I can't quite fathom why it'd make any difference.
Exes are exes for a reason and usually those reasons are lots of drama or they ended in a screaming match or whatever. That's not the case here so I am not concerned but if it were the case I would probably have said no. Last thing I want is my wife fighting with another guy constantly and bringing that home to me. Just her being annoyed with LA is frustrating enough. If she were having fights with someone that lived here...
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Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #23  
Old 03-31-2012, 01:26 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Exes are exes for a reason and usually those reasons are lots of drama or they ended in a screaming match or whatever.
I've never had things end with a screaming match, but have had some very unwelcome drama because of one ex in particular. Generally if it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out again. Sure, people change, but I would have to see some major difference in any of my exes or hubby's exes to want them in our lives.
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  #24  
Old 03-31-2012, 01:52 AM
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Hmm, to say ex's are ex's for a reason makes it sound like all ex's should be considered assholes. I've always hated the idea of putting down and criticizing an ex just because a relationship is over, because then it makes me look like just as much of an asshole for being with that person, if they're supposedly so bad!

I've never had any relationships end because we were screaming and fighting, nor because the other person was crazy or mean or anything like that. In fact, I've mostly had really nice breakups, even if they were sad, where we just acknowledged that it's not working and wish each other the best. I always strove to be as mature as I could regarding ending a relationship. Then we can remain friends. The most painful breakup was my marriage ending, but I am sure we will be friends again someday. I think most of my relationships prior to my marriage ended because things sort of just fizzled out. Then a year or two or more later, we meet up again and hit it off. So, I guess that's why I never understood this concept of avoiding ex's at all costs, across the board, no matter what. I think, if it feels good and right, go for it!
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  #25  
Old 03-31-2012, 02:40 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I've never had things end with a screaming match, but have had some very unwelcome drama because of one ex in particular. Generally if it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out again. Sure, people change, but I would have to see some major difference in any of my exes or hubby's exes to want them in our lives.
I'm glad you haven't. I have and those breakups are awful. Sometimes the non-angry breakups can be worse. Their breakup was because of circumstances of the time, not because of either of them or how they felt towards one another so there is a chance they could work.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, to say ex's are ex's for a reason makes it sound like all ex's should be considered assholes. I've always hated the idea of putting down and criticizing an ex just because a relationship is over, because then it makes me look like just as much of an asshole for being with that person, if they're supposedly so bad!
That's not what I meant. I meant that if there wasn't a reason they wouldn't be an ex. Usually that reason is over something bad but it seems like in your case that's not true. Good for you. I wish I could say the same.
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I've never had any relationships end because we were screaming and fighting, nor because the other person was crazy or mean or anything like that. In fact, I've mostly had really nice breakups, even if they were sad, where we just acknowledged that it's not working and wish each other the best. I always strove to be as mature as I could regarding ending a relationship. Then we can remain friends. The most painful breakup was my marriage ending, but I am sure we will be friends again someday. I think most of my relationships prior to my marriage ended because things sort of just fizzled out. Then a year or two or more later, we meet up again and hit it off. So, I guess that's why I never understood this concept of avoiding ex's at all costs, across the board, no matter what. I think, if it feels good and right, go for it!
I hope you can be friends with your husband again. And I agree with you which is why I told her its fine. She was happy I agreed because it was totally something she didn't expect.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #26  
Old 03-31-2012, 03:05 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, to say ex's are ex's for a reason makes it sound like all ex's should be considered assholes. I've always hated the idea of putting down and criticizing an ex just because a relationship is over, because then it makes me look like just as much of an asshole for being with that person, if they're supposedly so bad!
I don't think any of my exes are assholes and have been friends off and on with a few of them, but we didn't work for various reasons and I don't see the point of revisiting that.

Kyle - I think you're right that since they broke up due to situational aspects and not personality or relationship issues, it is fine to try again since the situation is different.

I suppose it all depends on the circumstances. For me, I would not want to rekindle anything with any of my exes because it was a personality or fundamental belief issue that caused those relationships to end, and those situations have not changed. If I'd had a relationship end because we were too far apart, other obligations limited developing a relationship, or something like that, I would not hesitate to give it a try again if the opportunity arose.
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  #27  
Old 03-31-2012, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
KM and Arrow, what's the big deal about ex's? I wouldn't care about former loves one iota, unless I knew they were lunatics. What's the reasoning behind this? I can't quite fathom why it'd make any difference.
I'm specifically referring to the most recent exes, both mine and his. I wouldn't be comfortable with her as a metamour because when they were together before, there was always the threat of violence and sometimes a follow-through as well on her end anytime they argued. I don't want to feel unsafe, I don't want him feeling unsafe, and I don't advocate objects being tossed and thrown around the room whenever one doesn't get their way.

I happen to be relatively good friends with my ex, and if I remember correctly my s/o wouldn't have an issue with us getting together. However I'm not comfortable with the idea. I really believe we're at our best with each other as friends and nothing more.
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  #28  
Old 03-31-2012, 11:46 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Thursday Afternoon, Friday, Saturday Morning - The Last 48 Hours

Someone cue Kiefer Sutherland and start the 24 hour beeping clock noise.

Thursday
I left off talking about my wife and B. I really shouldn't make posts from my phone because I left out quite a bit of detail and I had a lot of typos and errors that I can't fix now because it's been too long... T.T

As those of you reading have probably figured out, I thought about it some more and I'm fine with her seeing B. I've met him before, he's not a bad guy (he's not a great guy either, but hey, no one is perfect), and now that I know more of why they broke up I feel like it's not as big of a deal if they see each other again. So long as he isn't trying to shanghai her from me I'm fine with it. I also was very suspicious of how he came back into her life so I asked her for more detail. She gladly gave it, which made me a lot more comfortable. Here's how it all happened (maybe not all in the right order, I can't remember). He wished her a happy birthday on facebook and asked her how she was doing, they conversed a bit, she eventually said that she had a unique relationship that likely would not include him, he inferred that to mean that we were poly/swingers/etc, somewhere in there they said they'd like to get together and catch up, and he invited her on a road trip to Iowa.

Later that day A and I had a very serious phone conversation about where our relationship was going. Again I was gone longer than I expected or realized but it was an important conversation so it was good that I went. Long story short, there's someone she likes and that person is monogamous. They dated before but it didn't work out and if the other person gives A another shot... well, let's just say that A and I would just be friends if they got serious. It sucks, but I'm OK with it. A's happiness is important to me and if this other person makes her happy then that's what counts. I'm not selfish or greedy. I'm not going to be like, "No, you can't have one committed relationship when I already have my wife and am looking for another". That's just silly. I did ask her for a chance to show her that I'm not someone she should just let go, though. She said it would be a while before they were serious, if it even came to that, so to me that sounds like things will work out. Anyway, I'm not naive enough to think that this would be easy or that I'd get it right on the first try, so it's not like I'm super torn up over this. I kind of expected it really. If it works out in my favor, awesome. If it doesn't, well at least she told me about it instead of dropping a bomb on me when they did get serious. That would have hurt. A isn't like that though. She's pretty damn awesome.

Friday
I stayed home. I didn't feel great, but it was more because that was my last day at my current position and I hated it and I didn't want to. I'm moving to a new spot on Monday. YAY! I've said it before, but it's all I can think about. I am so excited, nervous, apprehensive, worried, anxious, everything. I know I can do it but I've never done anything like it and part of my mind is telling me I can't. I've never not been able to do a job, though, so this shouldn't be any different. Yes! Finally! We spent the day up at the park with two kids that my wife watches and my own kids. I threw a football and kicked a soccer ball for most of the day and surprisingly wasn't sore from it. I think this working out stuff is really working! Yes! I spoke to A quite a bit too, but not about anything in particular. One of our friends from Maryland showed up and we hung out with her for a while before she had to go over to her sisters for a party. I played some video games I hadn't played in a long time and overall we just had fun. At one point Katie said I had been snappy and I felt bad, because I hadn't felt like I was. So I apologized and hugged her and told her that I wasn't trying to be grumpy with her. I can't remember very many details about yesterday and I don't remember if this next part happened then or on...

Saturday
Whenever it happened doesn't matter really I guess. Iowa changed to Texas to visit B's sister. My wife and B's sister used to live together so she was up for the idea but she's not sure if she wants to go because it could be expensive and we just took on a lot more debt and she just left town for a week and she's not sure if another 3-4 days are wise right now. Depending on what happens between them she may go. I told her I felt like going far away this soon was a problem for me but if she really wanted it I'd be fine but I preferred Iowa over Texas.

My parents kidnapped my kids for the day/night and our friend and my wife hung out in town shopping all day so I was pretty much by myself. I got some errands done and did some chores to make my wife happy and spent a while typing this long thing. I also spoke to A quite a bit, mostly about me visiting. She's not sure due to the other girl, but I'm pro-Kyle and feel like they aren't seeing each other yet so there's no reason I shouldn't. Even if it's just as friends. I could control myself. I'm not a pig. I'm around attractive girls every day and I don't force myself upon them. It's her life, though, and I'm really trying not to force the issue no matter how badly I want to meet her.

I think that's it up until this point. I've been avoiding part of what's going on in my life... but after tonight I'll be able to talk about it. It's a secret though! So excited. Muwahahaha.

PS: During these three days I was told that I was allowed to break one of our "rules" with A. Well it wasn't so much of a rule as a "You need to be comfortable with this person first" and she said she was OK with it so I'm excited if it actually happens.

Also, I had sex twice. Yay intimacy. We also cuddled on the couch and kissed a lot. It's been a great couple of days.

I didn't throw that stuff in the story because trying to remember the order of events over 48 hours is hard. So I need to post more often.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #29  
Old 04-01-2012, 08:08 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Saturday - Saturation Overdrive

I'm frustrated. I don't know what causes it but sometimes I get in these shitty fucking moods that drive me up the fucking wall. I think it's a combination of things that normally wouldn't make me angry but they secretly build up and then jump out and stab me in the fucking eyeball when I'm not expecting it. God damn ninja frustrations. I have a short temper as it is and when I fight it I usually lose. So fuck. Now what? Oh yeah, I nearly type something hurtful here. Erased.

So the thing I wasn't talking about just in case my wife stumbled on here was Katie's surprise birthday party. It was a sex toy party so girls only. We all went to my friend's house to surprise her, ate, and the boys left to go back to my house. They're only a block away so no big deal. The boys and I play magic: the gathering the entire time and it's mostly fun even though some games are frustrating. I get easily irritated when I don't win but I need to learn not to be such a sore loser. Anyway, throughout the games I was mostly fine even though I fucked up and left my phone somewhere else so I hadn't realized A has texted me and I lost about an hour of time talking to her. Shoot.

Back up the story a little, right before we went over I asked A to tell me yes or no on seeing her in April and to stop making excuses. Excuses I can deal with all day long. A firm yes or no is something I just have to accept. She said no, it's too soon. I understand but it's been chewing at me ever since. During the nerd event I said some shit I regretted although I think it bugged me more than her and then I said sorry for being all pushy and... Ugh. I just really, really like her and our talks and everything. I'm falling head over heels for this girl and I can't figure out why. I asked her to promise me that no matter what we would be friends and she told me not to be silly and then I told her I wanted to meet no matter what. She agreed to that as well. I'm tired of my best friends being people I've never met and I've told her so much about myself recently that I can't see us not becoming best friends even if that's all I can have. I brought up our camping plans and she said as of now that's still on. So good news as far as that all goes, I just need to learn some fucking patience.

My wife texted me somewhere in there and said the party was over and everyone was heading to the bars. By everyone I meant the girls. I wanted to go. No, that's not true. I wanted to be around girls. The testosterone in the room was getting to me. No one was being stupid and we were having a good time but I'm tired of having good times. I want romance. I want affection. I want a LOT more than my wife is willing to give me even on her best days. I feel like even though... Fuck. I don't know. I feel frustrated that when I want hugs or kisses that I'm annoying her. I'm a touchy feely guy. I connect with people by contact, and it's killing me to lay next to this beautiful woman and wish that she were more open to all of it. But she's not. But she's perfectly fine going off with other men because she knows they don't want that. They just want sex and then to be left alone and she knows that's not what I want. Sure I want more sex than what we have too but more than that I want the attention.

I'm rambling and it's late and I'm being dramatic. I need to end this.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #30  
Old 04-01-2012, 04:57 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Kyle, I'm sorry that you're feeling frustrated.

I think you really need to look at your relationship with A. In one post you say:
"Anyway, I'm not naive enough to think that this would be easy or that I'd get it right on the first try, so it's not like I'm super torn up over this. I kind of expected it really. If it works out in my favor, awesome."

and then in the next: "I'm falling head over heels for this girl and I can't figure out why. "

I have had some bad experiences with falling in love with guys I'd met online.. before ever meeting them in person. Its so very very easy to fall for someone who's not in your daily life, who you've never met, who you can project everything on. It seems (and maybe I'm wrong) you use the contact with her as a comfort because things with your wife are not going well. (and because your wife has this new and exciting prospect). But you don't know for sure A is a comfort.. because until you meet her in person (even though you talk to her on the phone) she's not really real. I understand she's real to you, because she's such a major part of your life right now, I'm just pointing out the dangers of falling for someone you've never met... because I've been there, done that, and it wasn't fun
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