Is it appropriate to ask...

[opalescent]

RP,

I don't know if one can say that swingers don't communicate about multiple partners, safe sex, fluid bonding etc. because they seek casual connections. Many swinging communities emphasize talking and negotiating, including agreements on safer sex. Don't mistake casual for not giving a shit or that wanting casual sex means communication doesn't happen. Good communication is central to poly relationships but communication isn't exclusive to poly. Commitment and emotional connection are often reasons why people want to communicate well but they are not essential. Really only respect and basic care for the well-being of another person are necessary.

[nycindie]

Yeah, I've always imagined that swingers probably communicate very well and perhaps even in a clinical, straightforward way about safety and stuff like this exactly because of the general preference not to involve emotions. I've never been to a swinger event but read a lot about them and safe sex was always mentioned. When sex and bodies are approached as part of a recreational activity or sport, so to speak, it makes sense that one would be diligent about the health of the "equipment."

And actually, when emotions are involved, it's easier to overlook these things if one is caught up in NRE daydreams and fantasies, and is afraid to hurt anyone's feelings by asking the questions they'd rather avoid.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by opalescent

RP,

I don't know if one can say that swingers don't communicate about multiple partners, safe sex, fluid bonding etc. because they seek casual connections. Many swinging communities emphasize talking and negotiating, including agreements on safer sex. Don't mistake casual for not giving a shit or that wanting casual sex means communication doesn't happen. Good communication is central to poly relationships but communication isn't exclusive to poly. Commitment and emotional connection are often reasons why people want to communicate well but they are not essential. Really only respect and basic care for the well-being of another person are necessary.

Fair enough. I said I didn't think it was standard. I guess I thought so because swinging tends to be couple centric sport sex. I imagine that its a different kind of communication but what do I know though. I didn't have any communication when I did some swinging. That doesn't mean my experience is everyones. *shrug.

Originally Posted by nycindie

I've never been to a swinger event but read a lot about them and safe sex was always mentioned. When sex and bodies are approached as part of a recreational activity or sport, so to speak, it makes sense that one would be diligent about the health of the "equipment."

Geez, this wasn't what I experienced. Everyone was drunk and fucking regardless of communication or safe sex. A pussy was free and open? It got a cock in it. Most of the time using the same condom as the last fuck. I have heard since this experience that this is not the usual, but it does happen.

[Cleo]

I'm about to be fluid bonded with one of my lovers (just waiting for his test results...)
I told him this:
if we fluid bond, it means I expect you to practice safe sex with other women.
But I expect you to tell me if you had unprotected sex with anyone, so we can go back to protected sex. But you don't HAVE to tell me if/ when you've had protected sex with someone.

It all comes down to trust, I guess.
The weird thing is that because I know him, and because the nature of our relationship, it would surprise me very much if he had safe sex with with someone and not tell me. But if he did, I would not be allowed to sulk about it, because I told him, in so many words, that he did not have to tell me.
My assumptions don't matter, the only thing that matters is what we agreed on.

[Cleo]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Geez, this wasn't what I experienced. Everyone was drunk and fucking regardless of communication or safe sex. A pussy was free and open? It got a cock in it. Most of the time using the same condom as the last fuck. I have heard since this experience that this is not the usual, but it does happen.

I was in the swinging life style for some time (though only with 'home dates', never in clubs) and there were a couple of times when guys said "oh I don't mind, just go ahead" - meaning have intercourse without a condom - I never did.

[PolyCurious4]

I think this has enlightened more for me about the poly community vs swinger. Swinger IS very couple centric. There is communication but it's different. Clinical is a great way to say it. Because the goal is sex it's gotten out of the way right away . There's the initially get to know you', do's & dont's etc... That conversation is where protection & safety is discussed. We always inform the prospective partner that protection is a must. I've only had one experience where the male mentioned that he had vasectomy & preferred not to use condoms. I nixed any possibilities with this couple because he made it clear he often plays without protection & exclusivity made no matter. Beyond that one experience every couple or single person has been tested regularly and only played with condoms. So there is a communication about safety.

But because it is only about the physical & all the parties & clubs that many swingers attend the assumption is they may have more than one partner. This is why the discussion is so important about how they normally behave themselves. There is no emotional connection to me/us so no discussion about being exclusive. We had sought out a more "friends with benefits" sort of arrangement but it was difficult to find & when we did wasnt long standing.

So in an arrangement where poly is on the table and early fondness is being felt it does feel odd to ask because I do understand autonomy is important & we hadn't come to an agreement yet for exclusivity.

We are seeing them tonight so we'll be having a chat.

I think because Hubby & I have a little crush we feel like fish out of water - so I've posted a lot lately about this couple. I'm so thankful for this sounding board.

[PolyCurious4]

Thank you all so much for the great feedback & advice.

I was able to address my concern. Evidently I need to quit over thinking things & act the same as I would in any other intimate relationship as well as stop basing my decisions on my experiences in the swinger culture.

It was no big deal. His response to my concern was "of course" and he shared as I had originally thought they are not seeing anyone else & are enjoying where things are going with us. He has responded to any question or concern fantastically & has reassured me that as awkward as some questions are to ask its important to communicate. So this whole fear of talking about certain things is completely mine.