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  #11  
Old 03-30-2012, 08:25 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I see it most often when someone is struggling with coming to terms with the new changes over their partner taking on a new one and see them as discrepancies. Even when it is an obvious situation with an unfair element like "wife is giving BJs and experimental sex to newbie but doesn't and hasn't with me for a long time". I will still see at least one person offer up the solution of finding someone new for themselves to do these things with rather than address the mess of why they have been and continue to get denied whatever it is they are troubled over. I get why people might offer suggestion of why it might have become this way and truly there will be people who point out that its a problem that needs fixed. Just wondering what the folks suggesting adding someone else to the pile are thinking. Divorce is painful. Divorce while one already has someone waiting in the wings is probably even more so. Maybe its much easier if both have someone else they are seeing - I don't know. But shouldn't people who already have a mess sort out whether the first relationship needs to end before beginning a new one? I'd imagine a mess is less likely to get fixed and/or a divorce is more likely to be the solution if they don't. I've noticed that when a relationship ends under these circumstances everyone is quick to point out the mistake in hindsight......
In that context, I think the advice of adding another person is not the best - the whole "have a problem, add a person" not being the answer deal. Now, if he and his partner had assessed the situation, decided that they would both be happy with him finding another partner (just sexual or otherwise) because they enjoy having their vanilla sex life, too, what's the problem?


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To each their own. And I don't think a day goes by on any relationship site without someone sounding off about how we're always changing and growing and becoming different somehow. You love your husband right? Are you saying that if your husband read something you posted talking about how great your C is and whatnot and felt the troubled thought of "Huh, km34 never gushes over me to anyone" and brought it to you rather than stewed on it, his reward for communicating his feelings to you would be "Whelp now you've done it; I can't even look at you the same anymore!" Don't tell me what you think of some ambiguous person you're not involved with who might be troubled over it. Its real easy to assess a situation you're not in and write off some imaginary person you're not involved with right now as unacceptable. Tell me how you'd handle the situation with your husband.
He wouldn't do that. I toot his horn to real-life people. lol If there was a real issue of a partner of mine being under-appreciated, no, I would not cut them out or think negatively of them for bringing it to my attention. I was simply saying that I show his appreciation IN REAL LIFE - where he sees it all the time, so I don't feel the need to do it ONLINE - where he would only stumble across it. I honestly can't imagine a situation in which he would feel that neglected by me. I think the fact that probably 75% of my facebook posts (still online, but "real people" in the sense that they are people we know in real life) relate to something awesome that Keith did for me is, in fact, me gushing over him. He sees me brag about him, appreciate the little things about him, and all of that stuff IN PERSON. I don't need to do it online. Now, sometimes I do when it pertains to whatever else is going on, but I don't feel the need to go out of my way and say how amazingly awesome he is, because I let him know that everyday that I'm with him.

I would hope I'm like that with anyone else that I love, as well, however if I post about how I'm forming a new relationship, I'm more likely to gush about that person because the precedent of me talking about that person has already been set. NRE makes a person much more excitable and eager to chat with strangers. I don't find it necessary with an established relationship.
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  #12  
Old 03-31-2012, 02:45 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Phy,

I thought your becoming poly was more situational.... falling in love with Lin....not actually a poly core.
It's not? So please tell me, what is a poly core to you if that isn't?

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So if sward went off found himself a new love interest and decided he preferred the one on one with this new women instead of the sharing he's forced to do now .....you would start posting profiles on dating sites to replace him? ...or fill the vacant time slot. Is that what you mean be core?
As I said: when you love you will care. If he did that, the relationship he has got with me would be mainly over because if he 'preferred' anyone over me, the feelings wouldn't be there any longer. If I would 'prefer' Lin I would never have stayed with Sward. You keep on mixing mono mindsets into poly, Dinged. There is nothing to be preferred in our case and (I think) I know that I would be able to live this in a case where Sward would find another love, as long as I feel that his love is still there.

And he isn't forced to do it, it was a choice. If anything of what we have now would pressure him in any way, I wouldn't put up with it.

To fill the vacant spot ... you think of relationships a poly person will have as some kind chemical substance or molecules that have a fixed number of docking sides that need to be filled? There would be no one to 'replace' him. Never. If he were to go, if our relationship would end, I would stay with Lin. Fullstop. I wouldn't actively look for another partner. Obviously this isn't the way I function. If something happens again, it will. But I have no blueprint in mind how many partners and what kind of partners I 'need' to be happy.

As always, I am really surprised what you are able to read between my lines that you come to such conclusions. Communication seems to always take sidetracks in our case.
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  #13  
Old 03-31-2012, 05:29 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
NRE makes a person much more excitable and eager to chat with strangers.
oh good gravy, THIS. I had dinner with a friend last night. She met me when I was coupled with Current BF. She had met First BF, they were both to our house for thanksgiving. I told her (a while ago) that I'm now with both of them. All I want to talk about is that, and while she politely acknowledges anything I say, she's clearly not interested in a conversation about it.

So I hang out here, with y'all.


Regarding topic, there's no mention of solo poly folks. I sort of feel like one. I had 'broken up' with Current BF; indeed, told him to GTFO of my house. (okay, it's an apartment, and we shared the rent) He only moved to the next building over. But we were busy working at separating.

I think your thoughts are interesting, Vincennzo, and I'm glad for the thread. I also think the online sample size is likely small, and inclined to see more troubles than happys.
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2012, 06:16 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
... All I want to talk about is that, and while she politely acknowledges anything I say, she's clearly not interested in a conversation about it.

So I hang out here, with y'all.
I love this... lol I just wanted you to know that!
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2012, 07:28 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I want to thank the OP for this post, it's given us all a lot to think about. DH and I see a lot of arguing over what is a want and a need and how feathers get ruffled quickly. For us, this made perfect sense. See we came from a mono relationship into poly. It's not the smoothest transition for mono couples. Especially when one remains mono. It's incredibly hard on DH simply because of all this 'need' talk.

See all the resources are 'only move into poly if you really want to!', meanwhile having been on and both been moderators on, poly/mono resource lists we see more and more people moving into poly because of only one partners 'need'. The mono partner feels trapped for so long because they get told they just need to work through their jealousy, they need to find compersion, they have no control anymore. The other relationships must just find their own pace and way! DH himself and I by proxy, have actually gotten abusive emails and comments from so called 'poly activisits' who will happily and rudely explain how 'unenlightened' DH is because of the rules and boundaries WE have set up for ourselves.

The point for us was this. A need can not be negotiated. You NEED x amount of water a week or will die. You can not negotiate this. You can't say, "Well, what if I just go with y amount for a while and see how it goes?" You will die. You NEED food, you NEED a place to survive the harsher elements. A NEED is nonnegotiable.

Meanwhile, poly is a want, a desire. You may greatly desire the ability to have more than one romantic relationship, even feel as though you are unwilling to sacrifice that desire. However, it is not a need. And when you tell a partner who has been under the (correct) assumption that the relationship you were in together is monogamous, telling them you NEED to be poly is akin to telling them, "I'm going to have other people, either with your consent or dumping you and getting it elsewhere."

It may come to that in a mono relationship, but it's a horrible, horrible, place to start negotiating and working together towards a solution. It is not a NEED, saying so is manipulative and holding the mono partner hostage. Then telling them to be happy about it because their partner will be happy! It is a great desire. So let's see how we can negotiate it into our lives. Those negotiations don't stop, they evolve as both evolve into comfort levels and better communication.

You will find DH and I RARELY give advice linked to poly resource sites for this reason. The people running those sites have had personal interaction with us that tells us they have no sense of empathy for people in situations other than their own. They overwhelmingly tell us we are wrong in how we negotiated poly, and that even with my consent and agreement, DH is simply not taking into account my NEED to be poly. All the while the NEED of DH to go slow and respectful to our relationship and his feelings is ignored.

That difference between NEED and DESIRE/WANT is important. One can not be negotiated.
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  #16  
Old 04-01-2012, 12:01 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Hey thanks for the feedback. It often feels like there is a white elephant in a room (or forum) of poly folk. I'm wondering why this or that and its never what anyone wants to hear or talk about. I just mentally farted and derailed the calming mantra someone has been chanting for three months every time their A is off with C.

When it was me seeing someone while my husband sat at home I felt very guilty. And then I felt frustrated. He was after all, the one who idealized poly from the beginning. I let the residual resentments I felt from him even posing the idea of an open relationship go unchecked. It was exactly this that fueled me to stop feeling guilty. So I know well how applying the whole "go do it too" advice goes. Now I'm the one at home some nights and I'll admit I am not as stoic about my struggles as he was.

But what he is doing that is so very awesome is taking it upon himself to give me a "normal" weekend before I am desperate for it and have to ask. I'll come home from work on a day he has off to favorite food stuffs already prepared; errands he knows I was going to have to do the next day already ran. Him explaining to me without me having to bring it up how anyone he doesn't see everyday gets the easy road to making a good impression and how much he appreciates that I make that good impression to him all the time even when I worry that I'm old news. Him making sure I know exactly why he is with me and why our relationship is what he needs - not sex with other people. Basically all the stuff I DIDN'T think to do when I asked to be open after four years of monogamy and complete unwillingness to even talk about any other relationship style. I only saw in hindsight that I was practicing it with resentment. The guilty feeling came back and I have chosen to stop till I feel I can meet someone and be in a relationship with a free mind, just enjoy it as something I want to do and not something I'm doing because I can or because my A is doing it. Not to mention that my C got hurt in the mix of me realizing what I was doing. I don't want to do that again to anyone.
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