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  #11  
Old 03-24-2012, 07:12 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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I feel very strongly that it would behoove you to have him read this thread and see some "experienced" folks' responses to what you've written....

After knowing this latest bit, that the woman has a HISTORY of lying, cheating, and deception, I personally would want zero involvement with her. I wouldn't forbid my boyfriend from dating her (I don't think a person can "control" a significant other), but I would, as you've done, tell him that I would no longer be involved with him if he chose to date her. We can only control our own involvements, and I, personally, would not date someone who thinks it's okay to date a deceptive cheating liar.

Make sure he knows he can do better than this woman. And make sure he knows that someone with a history of horrible relationship decisions (cheating, lying) might well continue the same. If she could cheat with her best friend's husband, what else could she be capable of? Could she lie about her STD status? Could she have intentions to cheat with him against you?

Why don't you suggest to your boyfriend that it might be fun and worthwhile to seek out more polyamorous folks for friendship, and start trying to get to know people with greater integrity than this (scary) couple? It might just be that he thinks that polyamorous folks are rare, and this is his "only chance". But really, he can do better than settling for these low-lifes.
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  #12  
Old 03-24-2012, 07:53 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Those people sound like they are swingers. When I was on a swinger forum (before I found this awesome place) there were stories on there all the time just like this. Only, the people there werent poly so it was more jus the "ugh that guy is a pig" instead of the "I'm hurt" reaction.
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  #13  
Old 03-31-2012, 08:48 AM
genebean genebean is offline
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I so appreciate your guy's advice and perspective on things! I don't feel like I have very many options as far as people understanding the situation. We have been fighting like cats and dogs over this and I'm not sure how to deal with it...i feel so alone and lame. I have told him my feelings on the situation, but he doesn't respect them. He says that he will not engage in a relationship other than friendship with these people but he is very angry with me about my feelings and insists I talk to them. I don't really want to be around them at all and I am hurt that it doesn't seem like it phases him what was said or the obvious reasons not to trust them. He says that he is aloud to be upset but it is taking a tole on our relationship and I don't feel safe telling him what I feel. I am currently staying at a friend's for the weekend and he texted me and asked if he could have a six some with that couple, another couple and another girl. He told me that he wouldn't ask again until our agreed upon date to be fully poly and that I had the option of saying no. He also said he would not have sex with the woman. I did not feel I really did so I called him to talk about it. I asked if he would be pissed off if I said I wasn't ready and he said no, that he would understand. So I did and he became very cold and angry with me over the phone. He said that he would respect my wishes but was very upset over my decision..sorry for the long paragraph, I can't space it out on my phone!
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2012, 03:36 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I asked if he would be pissed off if I said I wasn't ready and he said no, that he would understand. So I did and he became very cold and angry with me over the phone. He said that he would respect my wishes but was very upset over my decision."

So he can't even keep his story straight from sentence to sentence... yeesh. :/

This guy has some growing up to do. He needs to examine why his words and actions don't match up and realize what a bad position this puts you in because ut means you can't trust him. I know you said you're afraid to tell him how you feel, but maybe he should read this thread for some perspective... I mean, if you don't feel like you can even talk to him, how can you two have a real relationship?
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2012, 03:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Genebean,

You can tell a lot about a person by who their friends are. Do you like and feel safe around any of his friends? If the answer is no, decide if you can live with interacting all the time with people you don't like and, more importantly, don't trust.

Your boyfriend is of course entitled to his own thoughts and feelings about that couple. He doesn't have to agree wirh you. But it is very very worrisome that you feel unsafe to tell him how you feel. That's a sign that the relationship is broken.

And while I certainly get grumpy when I don't get my way, I do not take it out on my partner! It's ok to say 'I'm bummed that I couldn't have a hot 6-some - or fuck a hot chick - because of your reluctance'. It's not acceptable to be cold or rude or passive aggressive. That unfortunately is what your boyfriend is doing.
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  #16  
Old 03-31-2012, 03:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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*I am responding to many threads recently where the original poster pulled back from posting after their SOs read the the thread and got all unhappy at what was written about them. This is not solely in response to AnnabelMore's post above.*

While many folks recommend that the other people involved read threads so they can get the OP's perspective, I suggest that you keep this to yourself. Your boyfriend will not react well and will likely demand you stop coming here. You will lose some possibly valuable outside advice and contact. The last thing you want is to be even more isolated and alone than you already are.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2012, 04:51 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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As much as it sucks, if I were in your position, I would end the relationship. I find it unlikely that you will ever feel safe living within his selfish definition of "poly" or respected by him, and that is a very tiring way to live. If he isn't willing to put the work in now, you can expect that isn't going to change.
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  #18  
Old 03-31-2012, 05:21 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
*I am responding to many threads recently where the original poster pulled back from posting after their SOs read the the thread and got all unhappy at what was written about them. This is not solely in response to AnnabelMore's post above.*

While many folks recommend that the other people involved read threads so they can get the OP's perspective, I suggest that you keep this to yourself. Your boyfriend will not react well and will likely demand you stop coming here. You will lose some possibly valuable outside advice and contact. The last thing you want is to be even more isolated and alone than you already are.
Genebean's boyfriend already has an account here. His username is polypenguin. He started two threads here, both of which complain about how slowly Genebean wants to take things, and how unfair he feels it is to keep waiting. He seems rather fixated on having sex with multiple people. Genebean's threads talk about how insecure and hesitant she feels. She's 21, Polypenguin was her first love.

Genebean, this might be the point where you both realize you've grown in different directions as far as what you want from relationships. Maybe it is over. Polypenguin is eager to fuck lots of people, and is hanging out with people who want that too. It seems he's becoming a bit of a tyrant, and sulky if he doesn't get what he wants. You should never feel like you have to talk to or hang out with (or have sex with) anyone you don't want to, just because Polypenguin is having a tantrum. When I was your age, I had to let go of a long-term relationship, and it was difficult, but necessary for me to be happy and satisfied with my own direction in life. I had to do it, because I knew I had my own growing up and experiencing the world to do, which did not match my then-boyfriend's path. You might need to let him go, too. I agree with Anneintherain, it sounds like it's time to end the relationship.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-31-2012 at 05:26 PM.
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  #19  
Old 04-05-2012, 05:50 PM
genebean genebean is offline
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Again, thank you all for your perspective and understanding of my situation. This has been one of the hardest situations I have ever been through and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I got back from spending the weekend with my friend, my bf and I had a long talk about the current state of things and a breakup was discussed, although we decided against it. He acknowledged my feelings and has said that he will not have anything more than a distant friendship with them unless I can feel completely at ease with them. We also decided we will go much slower with things and came up with a compromise we are both happy with. I am feeling much more optimistic about the situation and our relationship and I don't feel as much that I am merely treading water so to speak. We have a ways to go but we are making headway.


I know that alot of what I have said has made him look like a total d-bag, which he can be, and admittedly, I can be a real bitch, but this is just what we have been going through as of late. We are young and are prone to mistakes because of that but are trying to learn from our mistakes together, getting a few bumps and bruises along the way. I guess my point in writing this is that I hope that you guys do not judge him too harshly. He is an incredible guy and although this hasn't been his best moment he is sensitive and understanding and we love eachother alot. Thanks again!
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