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  #31  
Old 03-31-2012, 06:45 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is online now
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Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
Well my lover has nothing to be jealous about does he. He's the cocky type, he knows how good in bed he is and he knows that he's got what I need.

Having said that, I also have what he needs, so it works well. Yes, he has asked about my boyfriend and has said shitty things about him. He also gets a weird kick out of the fact that my boyfriend is at home, looking after my son, while we are having sex. He likes the fact that my boyfriend knows, and does nothing about it.

Unlike with my boyfriend though, I can be rude to him, and I tell him to shut up. Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me from my boyfriend at anytime. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on in a way.

He's wrong though. He couldn't.


I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that, and if I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner. I think its horrible to let your boyfriend stay at home babysitting at all after hearing this. At the very least it seems like you should have babysitting from another source EVERY TIME you have a date with your lover.

The fact that your boyfriend knows and does nothing about it? Why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship, you are on a date...is he supposed to come...kick your lover's ass or something? Is your lover poly, because that doesn't sound like it. In my life at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means partners having respect for my husband at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly, and if your boyfriend senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You also said "The problem started when my lover and I went away for a weekend together, my bf asked me not to go, but I did." You also said "my boyfriend comes first". Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread and having some other input, and seeing that your boyfriend was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with your lover after he asked you to not go... I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly but thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 03-31-2012 at 08:04 AM.
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  #32  
Old 03-31-2012, 07:24 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Hi,
I've been lurking here for a while, this is my first post.
By way of intro I'm a 40yo Australian male that had one poly relationship back in the day. I was totally not ready for poly and so I quickly ended up single again.
Whilst my poly experience is _very_ limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized weiner is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
Bear in mind that I have by no means completely moved on from this so the whole lot is probably complete bs.

Dingedheart, agreed that sounds like trouble but also agree with this
http://www.nerve.com/advice/savage-love/savage-love-35


Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
- sounds to me like he's having trouble with poly in general and that the size issue is just one symptom
- over the course of the time together his feelings have developed and deepened for you, so he probably loves you more but is also more jealous
- just because you were upfront about your other lover when you first met your boyf, & and he agreed, doesn't mean he was ok with it then or now. His issue, but if you want to your relationship to work it has to be dealt with and you may need to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Are you giving him an opportunity to be the lover he can be? Sounds like you've pigeon-holed him. Experiment a bit with him - toys, positions, kinks, etc. Given his insecurities you're probably going to have to lead the way. This may trigger some negative emotions from him around this issue. It's not much fun being emasculated by a carrot sized lump of plastic. Use this as an opportunity to work throught them, blow him, and then some other time revisit the toys or whatever, it will take patience and persistence.
- equivocating won't get the job done, he will hear your silences and even "you're different" as "yes he's hung like a horse and I enjoy sex with him a lot more", which it seems is actually the way you feel - you need to give him more to work with than this or he'll just spiral into self-loathing
- you should be honest but not brutally so

With the benefit of hindsight this is what I wish my girlfriends had said to me 20 years ago
- yes, he's bigger and if you force me to rate you then I enjoy sex with him more.
- size does matter and there are some orgasms/intensities I can only experience with a larger dick.
- I enjoy this a great deal, I don't want to give it up, if I did I would resent you for making me
- do you feel like it is a chore for me to have sex with you? think back on our lovemaking, do you honestly think I'm not enjoying it?
- why is it important to you that you are the best? This is the real question, and probably the hardest. The rest really is just window dressing. If you can get him to open up about it then this will be a huge relief in and of itself. As always, listening is way more important than speaking. Oh, and no size jokes, ever.
- some girls out there really seem to be size queens. But we're all different. Just because some women claim _only_ to enjoy large cocks doesn't mean we all do. In the words of Taj Burrows, the guys who only go out when the surf is massive are missing out.
- think about women's breasts - sure you like them big but does that mean that you're not attracted to women with average or smaller breasts? Breast/dick size is one piece of the larger puzzle that is sex/attraction and how attracted to a guy you are plays a huge part in how much you enjoy sex. Sounds like he's younger than your lover, doesn't hurt to tell him that even though he's less well hung overall he's more attractive.
- I love Indian and Chinese food. If I was forced to say which one I liked more it would be Indian but I would never want to give up either.
- Tell him, even if is not true, there are things you want to try that your other lover is not willing to.
- Sure there may be a thing as too small but realistically, you're well out of that range.
- I would like you to make me cum like he does and to share that with you. let's buy some sex toys and get a bit imaginative
- In a twisted way this is a blessing, as if you can overcome this insecurity nothing in the world will phase you - the guy with the 21" dick lives in fear of the guy with 22". or the smarter/taller/more intelligent guy (Insert you favourite insecurity here). Transcend this and you will be free.
- Not being insecure (esp about penis size) is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
- Having to prove to you how much I enjoy sex every time we have it is a major turn-off and so you fears are self-fulfilling.
- Sex for me is fun, please don't turn it into a bum trip - lighten up and let's enjoy ourselves.

To you, from my male perspective, I would say:
- Don't understimate how central to a mans identity this is, or how hard this is for him. Find a way to say that whilst you can't fully understand how he feels, you know this is very, very difficult for him and that you want to be there with him to work through this as your sex/relationship is hugely important to you - this goes for both size & coming to terms with poly as I suspect they are very closely related.
- Get into his head a bit - think of the thing about yourself that is both very important to you, and that you are very insecure about. Imagine he had another lover that pre-dated you that was a totally awesome in this regard. How does this make you feel? Now imagine it's a reality, and that he's with her right now.

Finally, dealing with this stuff is hard. Wishful thinking and resolve won't get the job done, although they are pre-requisites. Talk with him about trying to find things he could use to help him ovecome this.
Expose yourself a bit and tell him some of the things which you are insecure about and how you would like not to be troubled by them. Make this something you do together rather than just his problem.
In terms of what you can actually do:
- I personally found insight meditation very, well... insightful
- therapy - never tried it myself but others claim it's helpful although meditation is cheaper
- google jeaulousy and insecurity and see what you find. Although he will probably stumble upon this forum and this thread may be a little more forthright than he is ready for.

He may see looking for help as a sign of weakness. I probably would have when I was younger. Explain that being brave enough to face this and work through it is actually a sign of strength & it will make you respect him way more than anything else he could do. Man up and face your fears bucko - is the message.

Ultimately he's got to want to work through it, there's only so much you can do.
By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to either giving up your lover and resenting it or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term, he'll work it out. And as you mum taught you, lying is bad.

Anyway that's my 20c worth. Hope there's something in there for you.

Last edited by Mudita; 03-31-2012 at 04:49 PM.
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  #33  
Old 03-31-2012, 11:09 AM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I don't see how this could work long term. You and the lover getting off on some cockold type thing...at the expense of the guy watching your kid. Conscious or subconcius this will bleed through....hell it may have aready. How much contact do they have with each other. God I hope your bf never reads this thread.



I disagree, it can last long term. My own situation mirrors Aurelies, and it has worked for me, my husband and boyfriend.

I dont think she said that she gets off on the cuckold thing, it's her lover that does, and that doesn't surprise me. It's a man thing.

So what if her boyfriend is a cuckold anyway. By the way she talks about him, I dont think any of us doubts how much she loves her boyfriend and she will naturally want to be as polite about him as possible, but lets be honest about what this is about. (And correct me if I'm wrong Aurelie) He DOES NOT measure up sexually. He is NOT up to the job, and as much as he tries he CANNOT satisfy his woman. He sounds like a lovely guy and because of that, this may sound harsh................but if he's not man enough sexually, then she should cuckold him. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel.

It sounds like Aurelie has everything she wants, why should she give that up? She should fight for it. She has a man that looks after her and gets her and her son things they have never had. He's very loving towards them both and they both love him. She also has a man that gives her what she needs in bed. I think in this day and age, woman can have both, and if that cant be with one man, why not two?

It can only work if you have an understanding man. My husband knows he doesn't satisfy me and that my boyfriend does. He was hurt at first but he understands that he and my daughter are number one in my life, and they are. He is four times the man that my boyfriend is, except in one way, sexual. This is a hurdle Aurelie needs to get over. He knows she is having sex with another man, he doesn't like it, but puts up with it, and this makes him a cuckold. If she can break it gently to her boyfriend that she needs her lover because he gives her sexual satisfaction that he cant, thats what she should do. When he excepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with it and excepts this he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.

If he cannot except that, and he isn't understanding (Most people wouldn't be) then Aurelie and her boyfriend need to reeavaluate there relationship. If I was her, I would hang on to that boyfriend and give up her lover, but not till I had tried my best, and this will mean that her boyfriend will be hurt in the short term, but the relationship will be stronger in the long term. She needs her lover for her to be 100% happy, as I do. It doesn't mean that I don't love my husband.

Lets not forget though, that her boyfriend knew about this from the start and excepted it.

Also, her child considers her boyfriend to be his father, and he probably thinks of him as his son, they live together, and they are a family. Whats the problem with them staying at home together, when she is with her lover. He's not a babysitter, he's his Dad. Who else should be looking after the child when Mum isn't there?

Aurelie, if you go about this the right way, and you give your boyfriend the love, sex, and encouragement he needs, you CAN keep both.
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  #34  
Old 03-31-2012, 03:02 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Some questions for the OP:

How often are you having sex with your boyfriend? Also, who initiates, how often and are there any times when he initiates and you say no?
How often are you looking after your son to give him an opportunity to pursue his own interests, whatever they may be?
How often are you setting aside quality time to be with him, just the two of you?
Why are you putting up with your lover being openly disrespectful to your boyfriend? I know you say you told him to shut up, but he's still saying it.

Last edited by zylya; 03-31-2012 at 04:49 PM.
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  #35  
Old 03-31-2012, 05:50 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
Whilst my poly experience is _very_ limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized weiner is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
[...]
Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
[...]
Anyway that's my 20c worth. Hope there's something in there for you.
Mudita, that was BRILLIANT. I loved every word. It helped me, immensely. I don't have that issue in my vee, but I understand very well. I appreciate your hard-earned lessons and I'm very grateful that you shared.
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  #36  
Old 03-31-2012, 06:52 PM
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Have you considered just seeing your lover one night per week? Two nights is a lot for a relationship that's basically only sex when you have a full-time bf of your own. This could be a perfect compromise in that you still get to enjoy regular time with your lover, and your bf gets to see that you're willing to make a major concession (50% less time with the lover) for his sake. But in return he has to stop asking these invasive questions about your sex with him.
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  #37  
Old 03-31-2012, 11:13 PM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
Some questions for the OP:

How often are you having sex with your boyfriend? Also, who initiates, how often and are there any times when he initiates and you say no?
How often are you looking after your son to give him an opportunity to pursue his own interests, whatever they may be?
How often are you setting aside quality time to be with him, just the two of you?
Why are you putting up with your lover being openly disrespectful to your boyfriend? I know you say you told him to shut up, but he's still saying it.







Well, I have a high sex drive and I need sex everyday, sometimes more. As I said, my bf has a sex drive that matches my own. I have dates with my lover on Tuesday & Thursday night. I have sex with my bf every night, except on those nights. I always give my bf oral on those mornings though (Tues & Thurs) It's a habit we have got into and it's something we both enjoy. We dont have sex after my dates though, it's late when I get in, and I'm tired, I've felt guilty in the past and have tried to, but he has never wanted to for some reason. Although I understand why.

When I go on my dates he always used to wait up for me though, and although we would not have sex we would always kiss and cuddle and hold each other before we went to sleep, or sometimes I would take a bath and he would help me. He's always asleep when I get back now, or he pretends to be, and he always has Max in with him, so I can't talk to him or hug him without Max being in the middle and waking him up. I miss him not waiting up for me, it sounds silly but it meant a lot to me that he did. It's selfish, but for me to spend the night having sex with my lover, and to come home and have my bf waiting up for us to cuddle and show each other affection, in a none sexual way, meant so so much.

We both initiate, he is very demonstrative and we are always on the sofa together, hugging or me sitting on his lap and we kiss a lot. (Drives poor Max mad, so we both then start smoothering him with kisses and tickling him till he squirms )

I never, ever say no to him, and I never will. He never says no to me either. The only time I refuse sex is when I'm on my period, this applies to both of them.

My bf does what he wants, if he goes out with his friends he does not need my permission, and the same applys to me. We are both laid back people. He has plenty of other interests.

I look after my son all the time, I work part time, and spend as much time with my boy as possible. The three of us spend lots of time together. It's good, and I think we make a really tight loving family. We love being together, the three of us. My bf and son are so loving towards each other, and as my son has never even seen his biological father, he now has something that he never had before, my boy adores him, and this is very important to me. My bf and I do go out together alone also though, and always make the effort to put time aside for it. We have seperate friends, but all my lot love him. I love him.

My lover said some macho nonsense about my bf, thats just the way he is. I do not tolerate it. It happened a few times, it does not happen now though, he knows it upsets me.
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  #38  
Old 03-31-2012, 11:23 PM
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Has your bf ever told you why he stopped seeing other women and is focused only on you now? Can you gently encourage him to date other women again? This might help.
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  #39  
Old 04-01-2012, 03:36 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Has your bf ever told you why he stopped seeing other women and is focused only on you now? Can you gently encourage him to date other women again? This might help.
As I said in an earlier post, I have asked him and he told me that he doesn't enjoy it, and that he has never really enjoyed casual sex outside of his relationships. He could easily get girls if he wants, but he doesn't. I have encouraged him, but he says that he just wants to be with me. I know for a fact that he did go with a few girls, I also have the feeling that sometimes when he said that he had, he really hadn't. I guess I put pressure on him to do it, I thought that he would want to, I think lots of men, if given permission from their wife/girlfriend to have sex with as many girls as they like would jump at the chance. My boyfriend is not like those men though. Truth is, I told him to do it because it made it easier for me to do what I was doing.

The only thing that would work for him is if he had a relationship like the one I have with my lover, something that is more than just sex. Different girls all the time wont work. He says that going out and meeting girls at a club, having never met them before, and taking them to a hotel room for sex is not for him. He has to get to know a girl and like her. In hindsight that is not a surprise to me. When we first met, and started going out, he took a lot longer to get me into bed than I actually would have wanted.

The thing is, if he did have another relationship like I have, and he loved someone else as well as me, I know that I would be crazy jealous.

Dont think that I dont know what an awful hypocrite that makes me, I do.

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-01-2012 at 03:41 AM.
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  #40  
Old 04-01-2012, 03:49 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Have you considered just seeing your lover one night per week? Two nights is a lot for a relationship that's basically only sex when you have a full-time bf of your own. This could be a perfect compromise in that you still get to enjoy regular time with your lover, and your bf gets to see that you're willing to make a major concession (50% less time with the lover) for his sake. But in return he has to stop asking these invasive questions about your sex with him.
At the moment I'm not sure of anything, only that I dont want my boyfriend unhappy. If it means I see my lover twice, once or not at all, then so be it.

I want both, I'll be honest, it turns me on to have two men. A poly relationship with these two is something that means a lot to me. I will try to keep both, but only if my boyfriend is o.k with it. He's not at the moment, and that has to change.
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