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  #1271  
Old 03-26-2012, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I wonder if you're feeling what you're feeling because there wasn't any closure for you when that relationship came to an abrupt halt. It seems that he's found that closure and isn't aware or doesn't have the empathy that you're still working on finding that closure. It probably doesn't help that the wounds from Leo are so fresh. I imagine that if you had crossed paths either 6 months ago or 6 months from now his stories wouldn't sting quite so much.
I think its mostly because I realized he didn't really love me as I loved him. To him it was all about sex and I was a friend of his. He had a good time and so did I, but really, when push came to shove I was just a good lay to him. I gave a lot and we had some pretty crazy times.

I realized, when I saw him that I think I invested more in what we had than he did. I think he wants to see if he can have the sex back. It won't be happening. My heart has pushed him into friend space. That doesn't include sex. Its tentative because I won't be having sex with him and I expect that he will lose interest if there is no sex involved in any kind of new friendship we build. If that happens I will be likely be hurt again. I'm so fucking predictable. At least I know how these cycles go for me.
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  #1272  
Old 03-26-2012, 05:57 AM
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Hahaha, no, you're right, I don't listen to Rhianna. I'm not even sure if I know who she is - when I see that name, I think of "Rhiannon" - the old Stevie Nicks song. I must be an old fart.
Ahhhh, but you're a lovable old fart. great song! So is the Rhianna one too.

Rhianna-Cheers (drink to that)
Stevie Nicks- Rhiannon

Ya, very different. Ha haha.
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Why in hell would he tell you about his tests??!! It sounds like he believes he's now ready to hook up with you again and is just assuming you'd want to or are always available. And he's living in the past. What a yutz. He reminds me of a time when I got together with an old boyfriend many years later and he kept telling me things I didn't want to know as if our past gave him permission to intrude on my personal space. It was very icky. And I realized what a bore the guy was and how much I had changed - no compatibility between us anymore. Thank goodness!
Yes, this is what I think is going on with him. Sigh... *head shake

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why are you even thinking about getting together with him again? You try too hard to not have people dislike you, I think. In this case, I wouldn't worry about sparing his feelings. It's been over and done with for such a long time. I'd answer him like, "Oh, no thanks, I'm not really interested" in as bored a tone as possible to let him know the thought is about a million miles from what you'd even remotely consider.
Yes, yes I do. I learned that from my mother. She was always positive that people would turn around their dislike for her, and some times they did. I do the same thing, but really, sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.

I don't think its about dislike so much as I think its a lack of interest in sorting shit out on my part. I know I don't hate anyone. I am just not interested in them after a time, or ever. My Dad used to say hate is a very strong word and should be used very carefully. It sends out a message (energy is how I see it) that is very destructive.

I can't think of anything I hate really. There is reasons for everything if I just dig deeply enough or empathize enough. It doesn't make stuff right, or good, according to my values, but it means I can let hate go fast enough to not let it sink in.

Maybe I shouldn't spare his feelings. I am curious what would happen if I told him what I think is going on. If we ever do go for a beer I will be expressing what I see happening and will be letting him know that I don't wish to talk about his past women after me or the sex life he has now. I don't want to hear any more and if he continues to talk about it I won't go out to meet him again. He is an interesting man and we have had some great conversations apart from the ones I am confused about. Maybe we can meet and it isn't as I suspect.

Am I being naive again? Probably.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-26-2012 at 06:21 AM.
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  #1273  
Old 03-26-2012, 06:21 AM
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This was an intense week in terms of stuff going on, but I am managing to hold my head above water so far.

I had a chance to be a human book last week at the local University library. I did the same event 18 months ago and came back to do it again. My title was something along the lines of not judging a book by its cover as I am a kinky, pansexual, polyamorous burlesquer. As usual the poly part was the most interesting to people. I got the chance to tell people about the calender site I host for poly events (in my sig), talked to people about what poly means to me, counsel people, tell them specifics about poly and even a little stuff on burlesque. Very fun and tiring day.

Friday Mono and I had some friends over for some cider we made from the plums on our tree out front. Derby came along, PN came downstairs and my new friend. All four of us got one well. It was a nice night. A major deal for me as Mono isn't big on anyone coming into his space.

Unfortunately Mono said some stuff that I didn't understand that we needed to process afterwards and it meant that I stayed up all night. He said that he could have a girlfriend or someone he would have sex with as he has seen me do it, so why shouldn't he. My jaw dropped. We processed that for a long time after everyone left as he has always told me that if he ever says he wants other women it means we are done. I took it as we were done. He said that isn't what he meant so then I took it as he is poly! Which would mean that I would now have to adjust my life to him being completely different from what he said he is not. Turns out... as he indicated the next morning, that he is not poly, nor are we over because he wants other women. He simply meant that he has realized, since experiencing all I went through with my break up with Leo, that I really do love more than one person at a time. He really got that and empathized with me. He had not been able to until I was struggling with losing someone that is dear to me that I love. I had a good long nap after that out of sheer exhaustion and got up later to go and do my show.

Last night was an honour. I did my burlesque thing with two of the most popular and well know burlesquers in town. One of the two has invited me to do a show with her and to join her in a number. I am on top of the world! Three months ago there was nothing going on and it looked like everything was going to be shut down. The one thing that I really feel I am good at and have a talent for that gives me so much joy was going to end... and now its all shaping up to be quite the opposite. I am getting bookings from everywhere and have to turn some down!

I was over joyed to have not only my three lovely and amazing partners come and see me, but also my fantastic metamour, and also my new friend (who comes to all my shows anyway) and his girlfriend. I was so pleased they all had a great time and we were all together.

It was a night of staying clear of the the new friends girlfriend however as she is having a hard time accepting our new friendship and is very insecure about what it means. I have told him that I won't be spending a lot of time with him when she is around until its resolved as I don't want to be in the middle of it. He has already decided to not pass on info in case she has a hard time and I don't feel comfortable with that at all... I have told him that I won't lie to her if it comes up and suggested he start making sure that he tells her stuff and just letting her lose it as that is the only way he will build integrity. It's looking a bit like I am back on the train of being the poly veteran to his newbie status... It harked of DADT to me. He had never heard that term. Red flag! I'm being very cautious.
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  #1274  
Old 03-27-2012, 05:53 AM
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Wellll, it was bound to happen. I was invited to the same party as Leo and his wife. Thankfully I asked if they would be there and could opt out even if I agreed to go before finding out. I have another party to go to so at least I could say I would see how it goes. It should be fun for them and I'm happy for them. Sad for me, happy for them. Is that compersion? I dunno.
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  #1275  
Old 03-29-2012, 07:03 AM
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I had a walk with my new friends girl friend yesterday. She wanted to meet with me all last week. I knew that there was lots to talk about. I couldn't focus on much though as I had a show coming up and I thought I would be unable to be fully present and therefore disrespectful, so I put her off. Turns out that she had a hard time with that as I texted her bf all week every day and that was kind of like spending time with him that could of been spent talking to her about some of her triggers and concerns. I think she understands now that I wanted to be sure that I was able to spend a good chunk of time talking and concentrating on her where as I met him on work time briefly, and talked to him about casual stuff through text. Well, limited stuff anyway. There is only so much you can say in a sentence or two.

It seems that this "friendship" had gone into partnership in her head and in his heart. He was coming across as us "dating" now and she was having a hard time seeing it any other way. Mono and I have been joking that he is my mock bf and she my mock metamour. Really, I might as well be dating him, the amount of work we have all put in. What can I say, I'm a relationship geek. I like this stuff. Besides, she asked if I could be a pretend girlfriend so she could work on this stuff.

We managed to come to some boundary agreements by the end of the conversation that I intend to remember. I asked that she remind me if I forget and that I will do the same. I don't want to fall into that whole thing where someone forgets and the other gets bent out of shape about it and assumes that there is something else going on. Its better to check assumptions than let them fester into something bigger than they really are. It could take time to get on track with these boundaries.

So we agreed that regardless of what is going on between me and him, I am still friends with her and that just because she is not on my radar right now doesn't mean that I don't care about her or don't want to be her friend. Things ebb and flow and right now he is the one that can offer me the things in a friendship that I need right now (I talked about this in an earlier thread I believe). Later it might be that she does or that she finds others to be friends with and I am left waiting to hang out. Life and friendships are just like that and it doesn't mean that I think less of her, just there are other things going on right now. She wants to build our friendship and really, this is certainly doing just that. Just maybe not in the way she was thinking it would.

We agreed that if she doesn't know what is going on and is concerned that I might be being dishonest that she ask about it. If she thinks he is she will ask. There will be no more purposeful or assumed deception going on (she was going to ask him if he would agree to this boundary also).

We agreed that he needs to be supported and that we can come together to do that. This is all new to him (friendship? This is where the lines got blurry) and his past has left him in a position of being confused about what is okay to talk about and what isn't. What is okay to feel and what isn't. He seems to live in fear of being in trouble and I suggested that she thank him for telling him what his plans are or what he has done with me and leave it alone rather than cause more fear by bringing up her own assumptions and fears (this is where checking in will help I hope).

Lastly, when there is an issue that is bigger than just a quick check in we will meet up to talk about it. If it can be covered in an email or a text then we will do so, but if its a larger issue then I need to know a bit of detail as that is where I have fear. I have a hard time not knowing a bit of detail before meeting someone to "talk." Also, we will arrange to hang out and just have a good time too. After all, does it have to be all about process?!

So, day one on this and I haven't talked to him at all. I told him that I needed a break as I needed space. I feel very un-trusting of this situation and not ready for it. I told her yesterday that I am still struggling with the loss of Leo and that getting wrapped up in a couples issues and drama is a bit much for me right now, especially over a friendship. I don't know what the hell I am doing in this or how I got here. I don't feel at all like I want to be the guiding force behind their relationship dynamic and I could easily become that. I have more experience in relationships and I fear that I will either fuck up and it will be all my fault or that they will break up and it will be all my fault or that it will be quite obvious that I don't really want to hang out with them because I am over whelmed and not ready for more work on relationships and it will be all my fault.... basically I am not over believing that everything is always all my fault as I am not over believing that with Leo and his wife.... I don't think I want to get into anything with anyone, even acquaintances and people I come across let alone people who are my friends and are becoming potentially more than that. Sigh, I took the day off to decide what to do and really I don't know.

In the last few days I have been yelled at by people a couple of times over stuff that they either assumed was true about me and didn't bother to check out, or blew up because I was trying to be helpful in some way. I wonder some times why I don't blow up more over this stuff. I did nothing but sit like a dear in headlights and avoid in these situations. I used to stand up for myself. Now I see no point in trying. People decide what they want to decide regardless of what I do and say and how I am. They decide on a scale between a goddess on a pedestal to a babbling idiot that doesn't know what she is talking about. I can't think of how to budge them into realizing that I am struggling just as much with my humanity as they are and that just like them I change and grow and understand things differently all the time. What makes them think that they can speak to me in the way they do? Do I have a sticker on my head that says "Its okay, yell at me. I don't deserve respectful conversation and questioning?"

I have given up on the title of dominant woman these days. I'm done with the whole BDSM thing for now. I have found it has not helped my image in the community I am in and I don't want the title of Mistress I have bestowed on myself. To me that is all going underground where it is safe and cozy. I feel as if I have been places in a position of being like other doms that bark out orders to everyone just because they can and its expected. There are so many fucked up doms out there. I don't want to be associated. I wonder if I would be treated more gently if I kept my D/s life to myself more. I have spent a life time doing my best to put myself out there and making my self vulnerable as someone that is confident and secure in who I am and now I seem to be taking all that back...

Funny thing is that my new friends gf told me she noticed her bf was quick to respond when I asked him to do something she perceived was for me. He was quick to please me and he did. . She was pleased because she saw the sub in him. Sub potential. My nature will shine through regardless of what I do, I know that, but I am hoping that it will be softened and become more approachable in terms of negotiating space if I stop calling myself "Mistress." I don't need to claim that description. I can live it without the D/s and BDSM community. I can live poly without them too. Fuck em all really *shrug.
(not letting the bastards get me down... )
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  #1276  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:49 PM
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“Intimacy: An ongoing process where two or more caring people share, as freely as possible, an exchange of their thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, experiences and time, in an atmosphere of mutual acceptance, commitment, tenderness and trust.”
(this may or may not involve sexual intimacy)

Someone described intimacy this way in one of the groups I am in. I liked it and intend to continue to strive for it. For some reason it brought me hope today. So I am re-posting. My heart is healed little by little
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  #1277  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:50 PM
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I like that a lot.
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  #1278  
Old 03-30-2012, 05:50 AM
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Another great talk today with my new friend. I texted his gf ahead of time to let her know I was meeting him and she encouraged me to tell him she was really glad. This was a marked change from being angry about it before.

We went over a lot of what the gf and I talked about when we met up and I went over how we all needed support to make this a friendship work for all of us. I don't think its going to be too big of a struggle from here on in, but if it is I will be very forward with what is going on for me and if I find that patience and pacing don't work then I will have to consider not being either of their friends as I don't have a lot of energy to spend on the situation.... really though, the discovery that I find it hard to trust due to fear, she finds it hard to let go of control due to fear and he finds it hard to let go of lieing due to fear means that we can all work together to build something around that rather than against it. Support each other by reassurance and create something positive for all of us. Getting rid of all fear.

Once that was discussed he seemed much more relaxed and sat closer to me and talked more in depth about himself than he has before. I got a chance to see what kind of potential there is for him to be a really loyal and supportive friend and how I can support him. I left feeling very content and fulfilled that I am amongst friends that understand me and want what I want, more intimacy like I talked about in my last post.

When we parted he held on to me tightly for a good long time. He was shaking and we breathed together for a time. It reminded me of one of my autism clients that requires hard and long hugs in order to ground and release his energy until he is calm... I let the moment go where it was meant to and it ended with him holding me firm on the shoulders and giving me a quick and thankful kiss. It was a loving moment of gratitude and I was left feeling humbled and blessed to of received such a moment.
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Old 03-30-2012, 08:19 PM
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...the discovery that I find it hard to trust due to fear, she finds it hard to let go of control due to fear and he finds it hard to let go of lieing due to fear means that we can all work together to build something around that rather than against it. Support each other by reassurance and create something positive for all of us. Getting rid of all fear.
Ahh, darlin' -- be careful of having that as a goal. Sometimes fears never go away, especially if they are rooted in our long-ago past, where we figured out our strategies for living. You could spend the rest of your days trying to get rid of fears. I've learned (and continue to learn) that it's more valuable to acknowledge and face our fears, and take action in spite of them. Have you ever read the book, Feel the Fear But Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers? You may want to check it out; it was recently revised.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:22 PM
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Ahh, darlin' -- be careful of having that as a goal. Sometimes fears never go away, especially if they are rooted in our long-ago past, where we figured out our strategies for living. You could spend the rest of your days trying to get rid of fears. I've learned (and continue to learn) that it's more valuable to acknowledge and face our fears, and take action in spite of them. Have you ever read the book, Feel the Fear But Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers? You may want to check it out; it was recently revised.
That book is like a bible around our house. Maybe I didn't say what I meant coherently? What we intend to do is feel the fear and do it anyway. Perhaps the fear will dissipate? I have known it to, but your right, sometimes it never goes away.

Keeping my head up though. Baby, baby, baby steps. Will the other shoe drop? Will I actually find that this "friendship" is worth something more? Those NRE days of getting to know someone are so deceptive. I wonder how he will feel when he sees what I am really like when the rose coloured glasses come off. My heart is prepared for the worst and kind of laughing it all off. I hope that isn't mean some how.
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