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  #11  
Old 03-28-2012, 11:47 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This drives me CRAZY!!!! Husband does this to me all the time. When this happens when we are out to dinner, I've been so tempted to pick up the phone, call some random friend and say "Hey, I guess I can come right over dh is more interested in his phone than talking to me. No, we're only a few blocks from home, he can walk." Now, can I actually get up the nerve to do it.
I'm not saying I've never done exactly what she did but this was the first time she's been able to meet me for lunch without having to schedule first in the 5 years we have been married. This was totally on whim. My thoughts are that if she's willing to come in and spend time with me she should... I don't know. Spend time with me! Gah.

It made me more angry that it was LA considering she's been blowing him off for days now.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #12  
Old 03-28-2012, 11:58 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I'm not saying I've never done exactly what she did but this was the first time she's been able to meet me for lunch without having to schedule first in the 5 years we have been married. This was totally on whim. My thoughts are that if she's willing to come in and spend time with me she should... I don't know. Spend time with me! Gah.

It made me more angry that it was LA considering she's been blowing him off for days now.
Husband had legitimate work related stuff he was attending to (even if he didn't say so at the time), but it still drives me apeshit and makes me feel ignored. Really, can't it wait 1 hour? It's all about expectations and unless we state our expectations up front we can't expect the other party to be clued in on them. Have a discussion about how that made you feel and let her know that it's not always going to be the case. Maybe you guys can make a compromise, like telling each other up front if it's a "no phone" or "phones OK" time. It seems annoying and like "but I shouldn't have to...", but it does save so many hurt feelings down the road.
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  #13  
Old 03-29-2012, 01:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I wanted sex. I asked her if she wanted to do anything and she said pretty flatly, "no". Okay, so I walk away and eventually one of the kids wakes up. So now I'm sitting here waiting for the day to go by so I can talk to A. I'm trying to meet my wife's needs and I'm trying to be a supportive husband but it is difficult beyond measure sometimes. It's not that she's doing anything wrong. She's giving me hugs, kisses, dancing randomly and being playful. But she isn't attending to my needs. I want some form of closeness throughout the day.
May I point out that asking her if she wants to do anything and then walking away to sulk when she says, "no" is not stating any of your needs to her. No wonder you feel as if they are not being met. You are the one who needs to assert yourself in finding ways to get those needs met, starting with letting her know what they are!

What prevented you from putting your arms around her and saying, "I'd really like to lay down and cuddle right now," or "I want you, honey, I'm so turned on by you right now" to let her know what you were really asking for?
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  #14  
Old 03-29-2012, 04:29 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
May I point out that asking her if she wants to do anything and then walking away to sulk when she says, "no" is not stating any of your needs to her. No wonder you feel as if they are not being met. You are the one who needs to assert yourself in finding ways to get those needs met, starting with letting her know what they are!

What prevented you from putting your arms around her and saying, "I'd really like to lay down and cuddle right now," or "I want you, honey, I'm so turned on by you right now" to let her know what you were really asking for?
I didn't sulk away. I just walked away. The last 5 years are what stopped me. If she's not in the mood and says, "no" then all I'm going to do is irritate her. If she's not in the mood and gives me even a hesitant light then yes, I continue my pursuit but this was not one of those cases.

I can't even tell you how many times I've said I wanted to cuddle and she says "no, I'm comfortable" or "no. You know I don't like doing that".
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-29-2012 at 04:32 AM.
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  #15  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:08 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I didn't sulk away. I just walked away.
Oh, that's what I wrote - you walked away, not that you sulked away. When you wrote, "What do I get? A lonely computer chair," that sounds like you were eventually sulking somewhere else. BUT that wasn't my point, so don't focus on that!! My point was I thought you gave up too easily on asking for what you needed at that moment, and yet you complained that she wasn't meeting your needs. You see the irony there, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
The last 5 years are what stopped me. If she's not in the mood and says, "no" then all I'm going to do is irritate her. If she's not in the mood and gives me even a hesitant light then yes, I continue my pursuit but this was not one of those cases.

I can't even tell you how many times I've said I wanted to cuddle and she says "no, I'm comfortable" or "no. You know I don't like doing that".
That's one thing I've learned -- not to be afraid to irritate someone if it means being honest and cracking open the walls they put up, even for just a moment. My husband used to thank me afterwards for not giving up, even though he had shut down and I was bugging him at first.

So, I'm confused. In your other thread, you said that you and she had had some problems, but resolved them. Now it sounds like you've got quite a bit of resentment about her not being as affectionate as you'd like. Have other problems surfaced? Are you two in any kind of marriage/couples counseling or therapy? It sounds like that might be helpful.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-29-2012 at 08:02 AM.
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  #16  
Old 03-29-2012, 03:47 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, that's what I wrote - you walked away, not that you sulked away. When you wrote, "What do I get? A lonely computer chair," that sounds like you were eventually sulking somewhere else. BUT that wasn't my point, so don't focus on that!! My point was I thought you gave up too easily on asking for what you needed at that moment, and yet you complained that she wasn't meeting your needs. You see the irony there, right?


That's one thing I've learned -- not to be afraid to irritate someone if it means being honest and cracking open the walls they put up, even for just a moment. My husband used to thank me afterwards for not giving up, even though he had shut down and I was bugging him at first.

So, I'm confused. In your other thread, you said that you and she had had some problems, but resolved them. Now it sounds like you've got quite a bit of resentment about her not being as affectionate as you'd like. Have other problems surfaced? Are you two in any kind of marriage/couples counseling or therapy? It sounds like that might be helpful.
Ah, I misread and yes I suppose I did give up easily but I've been assertive in the past and it usually leads to fights.

In the other thread I said we had resolved them because I was told she was doing better. After the trip it seems like that's no longer the case. We plan on going to counseling as soon as we have money but she's dealing with stuff that's more than just me.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #17  
Old 03-29-2012, 04:45 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Wednesday - In The End

What was initially a crappy day got a bit better after the kids went to bed. Katie and I worked out as usual and then I decided to go for a very long walk. I had planned on walking anyway but it turned into an hour+ walk. I called A during this time and we talked about (redacted). Eventually I realized I had been gone way longer than intended so I went home. When I finally went inside Katie seemed upset that I had been gone so long do I asked her and she said if she had gone on a walk for an hour I would have been upset. I let her walk away and then later said, "maybe I got mad in the past but you went to LA for a week and I was fine. I think one hour walking around town isn't that big of a deal". She found that comforting. So, awesome!

At some point during the day I talked to my wife about visiting A as well. She seemed more receptive than I expected. Right now my expectation is to set something up for July or August. Yay!
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #18  
Old 03-29-2012, 11:33 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Thursday - One Day to Millions

This morning I woke up to my wife snuggling up against me. She claims it was because she was cold but she was holding pretty tight just for warmth. I love mornings like this. As I started to get ready I realized I forgot to file my taxes yesterday and told Katie to remind me. We had a brief argument because she has reminded me before and I didn't immediately go do them. I quickly ended it by telling her that I needed them done today and that I wasn't trying to tell her what to do or yell at her or anything, I just needed her help remembering. We kissed and I left for work 15 minutes late. Whoops.

Work today was stressful. There's nothing really that I can say except that people are stupid and constantly delete access from my team that we need in order to function. So I figured out what happened and how to fix it, but due to a very large problem that happened about a year ago, it will take 2 days to re-enable this access. Meaning I won't have it back before it is time for me to leave my department and start a new job. Awesome.

When I got home my wife was especially affectionate. Yay! I could tell she actually wanted my attention for the first time since she's been back. I ran an errand real quick and then came back and ate supper with my wife. As we were finishing up she said she had something awkward she wanted to tell me and then got shy and bashful. So I pressured her and she said, "What's the rule on exes?" and I said the name of her most recent ex and she blushed and looked away. Wow. Flash of jealousy and rage. I haven't felt like that in almost 10 years. The following ran through my head in less than a second's time: Really? The guy you dated before me? The guy you ran away with for a week because we were getting too serious too fast? The guy that you say nothing happened with during that week and I trust you because I love you and you're my wife but suddenly he's back in your life and you want to be with him from time to time? He wants to take you to another state for a weekend? The guy I thought you didn't get along with? WHAT IS GOING ON?! My mind flew through a mix of emotions from sad to angry to jealous to whatever else. I contained it, which is something I haven't been able to do before. I turned to walk away and told her she could do whatever she wanted. She said, "This is why I didn't want to tell you yet." so I turned back around and started to talk to her but I froze. She asked me what was on my mind and I said he was the one she basically left me for and this is the first time I've ever been jealous over her or anyone in a long time. She called herself a slut (jokingly) and it helped calm me down. We talked for a minute and I told her about my concerns for our affection and she insists that most of the time it's just because she's a couch hog or whatever. She also said we just had sex a few days ago. A few days feels like so much longer than a few days...

She ended up telling me that she wants to meet up with him and make sure that he's still the same guy and not a jerk. I told her I don't want another LA scenario because I don't want her to be upset for feeling used. I also told her that I don't think she should see LA romantically again because of what happened. She didn't say she wasn't going to see him again but she seemed to consider it. I'm fine with her seeing him again as friends or whatever and if something happened that's fine. I just don't want it to be do planned because I feel like she's being used and when she's not overwhelmed with emotions and stuff so does she. Anyway moving on, she basically told me that she wants me to go visit A when she goes out of town with him for a weekend, if she decides to go. Oh i guess i forgot to mention how it all started. He apparently asked her to go to another state with him without knowing our situation. *suspicious*

More to come later...
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-29-2012 at 11:59 PM.
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  #19  
Old 03-30-2012, 12:30 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
So I pressured her and she said, "What's the rule on exes?"
Oi! This has been our one steadfast rule during our entire relationship: NO EXES. Granted, all of our exes are from high school, so it is just so easy to revert back to our insecure teenage selves when we think about anything too intimate occurring with any of them.

Another random thing about the lack of cuddling/physical intimacy - Keith and I were going through a bit of a dry spell at one point and decided that even if we didn't want to have sex we still needed to be intimate. So we started giving each other 4 nonsexual hugs every day that lasted at least 15 seconds. It worked wonders! Just setting aside that little bit of time every day to be close to one another was great. Now when either one of us feels neglected or one person has been distracted with NRE or texting friends or anything, we just implement nonsexual hugging a few times a day for a while.
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  #20  
Old 03-30-2012, 09:18 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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About exes: I'm not sure how settled you are in your feelings about it but before we made the decision on poly I insisted they were off limits. Things have a possibility of getting real messy real quick and I'm really not built for that potential disaster.

km: That's an awesome idea, I wish I'd known about it sooner. I'm very much like Katie in that regard and while he's used to it I know my s/o would appreciate such a gesture. Thanks for sharing.
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