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Old 03-28-2012, 05:04 PM
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Lightbulb Bad at searching, Sorry. Question for triads

I'm curious to hear opinions on the "third" having biological children with a primary?

In my situation, Hubbs & I share a girlfriend. She is, at this point, considered a secondary partner. Our "legal" family is the primary & B is more casual. If you were me, how would you feel about B & Hubbs having kids together?

I have my own opinion, but I'm curious to hear others?
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:09 PM
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Um, hello, didn't you JUST meet her a few days ago???!!! She's already your girlfriend and you're already thinking about your husband fathering children with her? Have you even gone out on dates and gotten to know her yet? How well do you know her? Have you met anyone else in her life? Have you... oh, geez. HELLO!!!! Wake up!

Please tell me this is just some fanciful daydream you're having.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2012 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Um, hello, didn't you JUST meet her a few days ago???!!! She's already your girlfriend and you're already thinking about your husband fathering children with her? Have you even gone out on dates and gotten to know her yet? How well do you know her? HELLO!!!! Wake up!

Please tell me this is just some fanciful daydream you're having.
Wow. Power back a sec.

Actually this is something she's made passing comments about & Hubbs & I are just not entirely sure how serious she is about it or how soon she's imagining this happening. I'm INCREDIBLY uncomfortable with it. I feel I would never be comfortable with that idea, honestly. I guess I was kind of fishing for some insight into similar experiences anyone on here has had.

As we spend more time together, I'm getting more confused about her, actually. Sometimes she seems fine with it being casual, but then she makes comments about things like that. Those comments cause my alarms to go off; "Woah, nelly. She might be a leech." Hubbs thinks she's just excited & a tad overzealous as it's all so new. I'm trying to be patient & give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

I am NOT making any plans at this point. It's way too early. I don't really know her yet. We're spending time together, talking a lot, working on a foundation but the future talk is a little creepy this early on.

I was simply trying to get some perspective for the future, some things to think about while we build the foundation & decide if this particular relationship is really one we want long-term in a romantic sense, from been-there-done-that people.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:21 PM
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Whew!

Your first post sounded like you were already moving her in, and I got scared for you and just wanted to shake you a bit. I hope you and Hubs stay smart about it. Really, really, go slowly, okay?

If you want to learn about triads, here is a link to some threads with that tag (since you say you're bad at searching): http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php?tag=triad
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2012 at 05:30 PM.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Whew!

Your first post sounded like you were already moving her in, and I got scared for you and just wanted to shake you a bit. I hope you and Hubs stay smart about it. Really, really, go slowly, okay?

If you want to learn about triads, here is a link to some threads with that tag (since you say you're bad at searching): http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php?tag=triad

Haha, I appreciate that. Really.

This whole endeavor is a bit scary, so the straight talk on here is very helpful.

We chose the terms "bf/gf" because it's just simpler that way. Hubbs & I aren't into a lot of partners, so we would most likely be poly-fi with any secondaries, whether they be shared or separate relationships. She's green-lighted by us to still date, we don't own her. She isn't interested in that at this point though.

Part of me is kind of screaming that this talk is proof positive that this particular choice in paramour is not a good one. Live & learn. But I can be a bit hasty in my judgment, so I'm trying to allow an adjustment period.

I plan on not being physical with her until Hubbs & I can come to a conclusion on B's future plans. We've tried to talk about it but it gets awkward & she shuts down a little. She says this is her first venture into poly, too, so it very well could be nervousness & uncertainty on her own desires/beliefs/whatever.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:32 PM
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I'm glad you see "future talk" as creepy, 'cause that's what it is at this point. And don't write her off as wrong for you just yet. It's true, you need to adjust and get to know her. I would think getting together with each other maybe once or twice a week, and seeing how comfortable you all are after a month or two is a good early pace for getting to know each other.

It's also generally a good idea to be very cautious about who you let around your children before you know someone. I know that many poly's don't let their kids meet potential partners until trust and a very good knowledge of the person has been established.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-28-2012, 06:34 PM
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Thanks. That confirms that I'm not overreacting too much then.

We've hung out together the last 3 evenings. I'm hoping after the newness wears off it'll taper off just a tad. She's a single mom herself, so we all have full lives & I'd like for us all to be able to have "family" time as well as together time.

I agreed with Hubbs last night to give it a couple weeks to a month or so before making a decision. I figure that's probably enough time to see some sort of pattern.

Thanks so much for your input, Cindie. I've read a lot of posts on here & you're always very caring yet very upfront, and from what I gather from your posts, you know a little bit about the subject.
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
I agreed with Hubbs last night to give it a couple weeks to a month or so before making a decision. I figure that's probably enough time to see some sort of pattern.
Seriously, how soon would your expect "future talks", like living arrangements, marriage and kids in a regular mono relationship? Certainly not after 2-3 dates. This is no different. The first few months are for getting to know this person, then spend a few more months seriously dating to see if they would fit into your life. Now that you have been seeing each other nearly a year...
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:03 PM
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Seriously, how soon would your expect "future talks", like living arrangements, marriage and kids in a regular mono relationship? Certainly not after 2-3 dates. This is no different. The first few months are for getting to know this person, then spend a few more months seriously dating to see if they would fit into your life. Now that you have been seeing each other nearly a year...

I totally see your point. And that's MY preferred pace. But at the same time, just as with mono relationships, it's possible she is just trying to voice her ultimate ideal goals. Maybe not with us, maybe not soon, just her like "dream scenario."

Like I said, we'll see...
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  #10  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:50 AM
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Sometimes NRE can lead a person to forget to hold their tongue. However, it may be an indicator of her ability to be and/or stay appropriate. Hard to tell, this early.

I remember talking about babies with a boyfriend. He is thirteen years older than I am, and I was completely overwhelmed. He pointed out that consideration of babies is practically a biological imperative when you're having sex. He thought it would be unnatural if we didn't think about such things, even though we were both very clear in our preference to never spawn. And we were. At that point even, my tubes were already tied.

So, yah, I agree it's way too soon to give serious thought to such things. And, yah, I understand why some people think on it, and give voice to it. Doesn't have to be serious.
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