My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

The way I tell him I dont want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I cant tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his, and he's to nice to tell him it's not his business. I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse.

Well, if you're feeling awkward to answer that, you don't have to hide feeling awkward. We always think we have to project some kind of image that we're totally together. But there is nothing wrong with letting him know his question flusters or upsets you.

I would say this: "Why are you asking me that? I don't like questions like that - it upsets me and I don't know how to answer you. You are both different and I enjoy sex with both of you in different ways. It's not about penis size, it's about the person I'm with. I'm not that shallow, so I wish you would stop asking me these kinds of questions. Now, what is this about? Why have you started to focus so much on what I do with my lover and what he's like? Don't you know how much I love and care about you?"

Also, I thought of something else I wanted to suggest to you. Whenever someone seems to be okay with a situation, and then suddenly starts asking questions and getting bent out of shape about it, oftentimes it's because they've been talking to people who judge the situation and poison them with negativity. It's possible that your bf might have been influenced by a friend or acquaintance who made comments about things like that. You know, some guys will say, "She gets it somewhere else because you're not enough of a man for her," and shit like that. So, I would also ask him if someone has been feeding him that kind of bullshit. And then tell him that those people have no right to make comments like that because they don't know you or the situation, so he shouldn't even listen to them.

[dingedheart]

I can't see how cleverly avoiding or spinning those type questions makes the problem better or go away. Answering like a politician ...a non answer, misdirection, spin does in effect answer the question. "I don't like questions like that...it upsets me" ... response... "WHY" ...why would that simple question upset you? Outside of the fact you don't want to hurt my feelings ...why ? See how this could slide.

Lets say you can say all the words right ....phrase it perfectly ...spin it beautifully ...the energy and body language...your eyes can all give the opposite message. Which could in fact cause other problems revolving around honesty in words ....basic trust issues.

The idea he's being fed something from an outside source seems like a huge leap not knowing him, his history, and friends and family. Also lets not forget HE'S NOT enough ...he doesn't need an additional third party to tell him that.... she's been telling him that twice a week and on some weekend's ...for how long? ...a year or 2?

[Brid75]

Hi Aurelie, I've lurked on this forum for a while now but have never posted until now. I'm also from London and a few years ago i found myself in a very similar position to what you find yourself in now and I wanted to give you some advice.

First off, To answer your question, yes you can overcome your boyfriends jealousy and keep both him and your lover. I have done this with my husband, it's not a given though.

It sounds like you want to continue with your poly relationship but your boyfriend isnt so keen. As its something you want, YOU need to be the one who takes responsibility for it and you need to be the one to make it happen.

So your boyfriend is messing things up for you by being jealous and asking questions about how he measures up sexually with your lover. Questions that make you feel quilty, and that you dont know how to answer You can do one of two things.

A. Allow the current situation to continue by avoiding the issue and therefore allowing it to fester and get worse.....Or
B. Take positive steps. You need to nip these questions in the bud. Short term pain for long time gain.

Reading between the lines and without getting to graphic about it, your situation is this.

Your boyfriend is the gentle, sensitive, loving type and this is how he acts in bed. You say he is good looking and in great shape and you say your sex life is good and that he is considerate to your needs. So this means that you are sexually attracted to him and he does turn you on and he does make sure you get off. It sounds to me like you have a good sex life with your boyfriend, but also, the harsh truth is that he does not and cannot satisfy you sexually, not fully.

You say your lover is very well endowed (Twice the size of your boyfriends) and has amazing self control (He lasts much longer then your boyfriend) Sex with him is very exciting and there is nothing that we haven't tried.(He is much more adventurous than your boyfriend) You very rarely go out (He can make love to you all night, multiple times & your boyfriend cant) He makes you have orgasms in a way that your boyfriend cannot and never will. (Your orgasms are much more intense with him and he gives you a lot more of them than your boyfriend can, and he can do this because of his size, staying power and natural god given talents as a stud, talents that your boyfriend does not have and cannnot acquire or be taught by you or anyone else) Am i correct with these assumptions?


O.K, lets address the penis issue first. Your boyfriend is small/average and your lover is huge? Your boyfriend keeps asking if your lover is bigger than him, and you dont know how to answer him! If he asks again, I would suggest that you tell him the truth. Theres no need to tell him your lovers penis is twice the size, just tell him that, yes, he does have a big dick. I think he knows this already, simply because you refuse to answer the question. Once you answer him he wont need to ask again. It's not the end of the world and he will get over it.

Your boyfriend wants to know how he measures up in bed when compared to your lover. As advised by others I think you should try the 'Your different, and I enjoy you both' approach first.

Boyfriend
===================
Gentle
Loving
Considerate

Lover
==================
Forceful
Domineering
confident

They sound like polar opposites to me, point this out to your boyfriend and tell him that you enjoy them both, but for the opposite reasons. Tell him thats why you need them both, and remind him that you told him that you needed your lover from the beginning.

He may not settle for this, he might want a simple, who do you prefer in bed, me or him? My husband wanted to know this. If your boyfriend wants the same, I suggest that, again, you tell him the truth. He will be hurt (My husband was) but, again, it's not the end of the world and he will get over it. (My husband did)

It will put an end to your current situation, and the two of you can rebuild, and decide what to do from there.

You also say that you love them both. Lets put sex to one side for a minute. It's important, but it's not everything. Reading your posts you say this about the two men in your life.


Boyfriend
==================
Kind.
Funny.
Charming.
Gentle.
Easy to be with.
Great fun.
A great Dad.

Lover
==============
I love him in spite of myself.
I dont like him that much
Other than sex, we dont have much going for us.

Aurelie, it sounds to me that you love your boyfriend a whole lot more, and I've got to say, by your description of him, he does sound special, a real keeper. You say that he has shown both you and your son great kindness and that he looks after you both and that he is very demonstative and affectionate to you and your boy. You say he comes first, and so he should. It's not just about the love you share together, but also the love that your son shares with him.

Tell your boyfriend that he comes first, tell him you love him more and keep telling him until he knows it and feels it. Return his affection and reassure him with your words and actions and then reassure him again. I promise you, his jealousy is about more than just sex. Make sure that he knows that you, him and your son are a family, and that your lover or nothing else will ever change that.

You say he has a sex drive that matches your own, make sure you dont neglect him and he never goes without the sex and love that he needs.

I hope that you can keep your lovely boyfriend and that your love blossoms and that your son continues to get the great Father he has now. I also hope that you can keep your lover and that he continues to give you the sexual satisfaction you deserve.

I have done just that, and you can also.

Good luck.

[Brid75]

Also, you were with your lover before your boyfriend. How does your lover feel about him? Jealous?

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Brid75

Also, you were with your lover before your boyfriend. How does your lover feel about him? Jealous?

Well my lover has nothing to be jealous about does he. He's the cocky type, he knows how good in bed he is and he knows that he's got what I need.

Having said that, I also have what he needs, so it works well. Yes, he has asked about my boyfriend and has said shitty things about him. He also gets a weird kick out of the fact that my boyfriend is at home, looking after my son, while we are having sex. He likes the fact that my boyfriend knows, and does nothing about it.

Unlike with my boyfriend though, I can be rude to him, and I tell him to shut up. Also, he will say that if he wanted to, he could take me from my boyfriend at anytime. Like I said, he's arrogant. It turns me on in a way.

He's wrong though. He couldn't.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Brid75

Hi Aurelie, I've lurked on this forum for a while now but have never posted until now. I'm also from London and a few years ago i found myself in a very similar position to what you find yourself in now and I wanted to give you some advice.

First off, To answer your question, yes you can overcome your boyfriends jealousy and keep both him and your lover. I have done this with my husband, it's not a given though.

It sounds like you want to continue with your poly relationship but your boyfriend isnt so keen. As its something you want, YOU need to be the one who takes responsibility for it and you need to be the one to make it happen.

So your boyfriend is messing things up for you by being jealous and asking questions about how he measures up sexually with your lover. Questions that make you feel quilty, and that you dont know how to answer You can do one of two things.

A. Allow the current situation to continue by avoiding the issue and therefore allowing it to fester and get worse.....Or
B. Take positive steps. You need to nip these questions in the bud. Short term pain for long time gain.

Reading between the lines and without getting to graphic about it, your situation is this.

Your boyfriend is the gentle, sensitive, loving type and this is how he acts in bed. You say he is good looking and in great shape and you say your sex life is good and that he is considerate to your needs. So this means that you are sexually attracted to him and he does turn you on and he does make sure you get off. It sounds to me like you have a good sex life with your boyfriend, but also, the harsh truth is that he does not and cannot satisfy you sexually, not fully.

You say your lover is very well endowed (Twice the size of your boyfriends) and has amazing self control (He lasts much longer then your boyfriend) Sex with him is very exciting and there is nothing that we haven't tried.(He is much more adventurous than your boyfriend) You very rarely go out (He can make love to you all night, multiple times & your boyfriend cant) He makes you have orgasms in a way that your boyfriend cannot and never will. (Your orgasms are much more intense with him and he gives you a lot more of them than your boyfriend can, and he can do this because of his size, staying power and natural god given talents as a stud, talents that your boyfriend does not have and cannnot acquire or be taught by you or anyone else) Am i correct with these assumptions?


O.K, lets address the penis issue first. Your boyfriend is small/average and your lover is huge? Your boyfriend keeps asking if your lover is bigger than him, and you dont know how to answer him! If he asks again, I would suggest that you tell him the truth. Theres no need to tell him your lovers penis is twice the size, just tell him that, yes, he does have a big dick. I think he knows this already, simply because you refuse to answer the question. Once you answer him he wont need to ask again. It's not the end of the world and he will get over it.

Your boyfriend wants to know how he measures up in bed when compared to your lover. As advised by others I think you should try the 'Your different, and I enjoy you both' approach first.

Boyfriend
===================
Gentle
Loving
Considerate

Lover
==================
Forceful
Domineering
confident

They sound like polar opposites to me, point this out to your boyfriend and tell him that you enjoy them both, but for the opposite reasons. Tell him thats why you need them both, and remind him that you told him that you needed your lover from the beginning.

He may not settle for this, he might want a simple, who do you prefer in bed, me or him? My husband wanted to know this. If your boyfriend wants the same, I suggest that, again, you tell him the truth. He will be hurt (My husband was) but, again, it's not the end of the world and he will get over it. (My husband did)

It will put an end to your current situation, and the two of you can rebuild, and decide what to do from there.

You also say that you love them both. Lets put sex to one side for a minute. It's important, but it's not everything. Reading your posts you say this about the two men in your life.


Boyfriend
==================
Kind.
Funny.
Charming.
Gentle.
Easy to be with.
Great fun.
A great Dad.

Lover
==============
I love him in spite of myself.
I dont like him that much
Other than sex, we dont have much going for us.

Aurelie, it sounds to me that you love your boyfriend a whole lot more, and I've got to say, by your description of him, he does sound special, a real keeper. You say that he has shown both you and your son great kindness and that he looks after you both and that he is very demonstative and affectionate to you and your boy. You say he comes first, and so he should. It's not just about the love you share together, but also the love that your son shares with him.

Tell your boyfriend that he comes first, tell him you love him more and keep telling him until he knows it and feels it. Return his affection and reassure him with your words and actions and then reassure him again. I promise you, his jealousy is about more than just sex. Make sure that he knows that you, him and your son are a family, and that your lover or nothing else will ever change that.

You say he has a sex drive that matches your own, make sure you dont neglect him and he never goes without the sex and love that he needs.

I hope that you can keep your lovely boyfriend and that your love blossoms and that your son continues to get the great Father he has now. I also hope that you can keep your lover and that he continues to give you the sexual satisfaction you deserve.

I have done just that, and you can also.

Good luck.

Your right, we cant go on like this, and it's me that has to get things right.

Your assumptions about my boyfriend and lover are also correct.

Your also right about me loving my boyfriend more than my lover, and I do always give him the love and sex he needs, and we are both very touchy feely with each other. When I talk to him this week, I will make sure that I let him know even more than usual just how much both me and Max love him, because we are a family.

Thanks for you advice, it really makes sense to me, and I think that I will do as you advise.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Well, if you're feeling awkward to answer that, you don't have to hide feeling awkward. We always think we have to project some kind of image that we're totally together. But there is nothing wrong with letting him know his question flusters or upsets you.

I would say this: "Why are you asking me that? I don't like questions like that - it upsets me and I don't know how to answer you. You are both different and I enjoy sex with both of you in different ways. It's not about penis size, it's about the person I'm with. I'm not that shallow, so I wish you would stop asking me these kinds of questions. Now, what is this about? Why have you started to focus so much on what I do with my lover and what he's like? Don't you know how much I love and care about you?"

Also, I thought of something else I wanted to suggest to you. Whenever someone seems to be okay with a situation, and then suddenly starts asking questions and getting bent out of shape about it, oftentimes it's because they've been talking to people who judge the situation and poison them with negativity. It's possible that your bf might have been influenced by a friend or acquaintance who made comments about things like that. You know, some guys will say, "She gets it somewhere else because you're not enough of a man for her," and shit like that. So, I would also ask him if someone has been feeding him that kind of bullshit. And then tell him that those people have no right to make comments like that because they don't know you or the situation, so he shouldn't even listen to them.

No I dont think he has been influenced by a friend or acquaintance. He would never tell anyone about this, he would be to embarrassed about it. He may be thinking he's not man enough to satisfy me though, but it would have been something he had thought himself. We have seperate friends, and only my two best friends know, and they would never say anything to anybody.

My friends are pissed off with me though, because they really like my boyfriend and think what I'm doing is cruel.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

I can't see how cleverly avoiding or spinning those type questions makes the problem better or go away. Answering like a politician ...a non answer, misdirection, spin does in effect answer the question. "I don't like questions like that...it upsets me" ... response... "WHY" ...why would that simple question upset you? Outside of the fact you don't want to hurt my feelings ...why ? See how this could slide.

Lets say you can say all the words right ....phrase it perfectly ...spin it beautifully ...the energy and body language...your eyes can all give the opposite message. Which could in fact cause other problems revolving around honesty in words ....basic trust issues.

The idea he's being fed something from an outside source seems like a huge leap not knowing him, his history, and friends and family. Also lets not forget HE'S NOT enough ...he doesn't need an additional third party to tell him that.... she's been telling him that twice a week and on some weekend's ...for how long? ...a year or 2?

I think your right, I'm no good at lying anyway, not to him. And me not answering him, or fumbling over myself, just means he will keep asking.

[Aurelie26]

Once again thanks everyone. I'm going to have a good talk with my boyfriend this week.

Hopefully, it will go well. I'll let you know.

[dingedheart]

I don't see how this could work long term. You and the lover getting off on some cockold type thing...at the expense of the guy watching your kid. Conscious or subconcius this will bleed through....hell it may have aready. How much contact do they have with each other. God I hope your bf never reads this thread.