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Old 03-27-2012, 09:28 PM
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Question Fear; advice?

Things are going smoothly with B, though we haven't crossed any physical lines yet. Beyond a big 3-way cuddle, which is new territory but not really a big deal.

I'm thrilled with the pace & we had the "rules" talk & we're all clear on everything. It's all going well.

I'm having a bit of difficulty adjusting to the concept tho. Hubbs & I are at a very secure point in our marriage, I KNOW he's not going anywhere. He had many chances to bail, even a short separation that I demanded. He's in our marriage 10000%. As am I. Giving poly a go was a very thoughtful decision between us.

But I'm having a hard time not letting my personal past color my feelings. Hubbs is the first good & healthy relationship I've really ever had with a man. So now a part of me, deep in my brain, is just so sure that I'm just asking for the marriage to fall apart.

I know rationally that that's not an issue. We communicate so well & often. He shows me constantly how much he loves me & how IN LOVE he is with me. I'm not worried about them being lovey, or even about the sex. I'm fine with respecting their privacy. I'm not worried about lies or anything. Still cautious & will be for quite a while as this is brand new, but not suspicious.

Honestly, I think it really boils down to insecurities. I'm afraid B is "better" than me. Which, again, is irrational. I know that. But rationality & emotion are not entirely compatible all the time.

Those of you who have dealt with this type of thing, how did you handle it? I'm not asking anyone to "fix" me or anything like that. Just your experiences?
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Old 03-28-2012, 03:28 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
I know rationally that that's not an issue... But rationality & emotion are not entirely compatible all the time.
Our emotional responses sometimes take a while to catch up with what we "know."

Dude and I had a conversation a while back where we both disclosed that things were going so well but yet we both, independently, had a sense of "waiting for the other shoe to drop." (...even though the few "shoe-dropping" occasions we had experienced up to that point were more like socks or slippers slipping to the floor soundlessly) There was a sense that MrS (or me - in Dude's case; or Dude - in my case) might suddenly come out with a declaration of "I can't do this anymore." and the whole happy scenario comes crashing to a halt. (Even though we had all had multiple - "I'm okay, are you okay?" conversations)

For us that has faded somewhat, only to be somewhat re-sparked each time a new hurdle was crossed. But to a lesser and lesser extent. I still feel that way at times (usually when I am away from the boys and thinking about how unusual - outside of these forums - our situation is). I worry that MrS is harboring some secret resentment that is building, or that Dude will come to realize that sharing someone's wife is too complicated and life would be simpler with a mono GF.

Then I come home and see them together and happy...and I remind myself that the "here and now" is what I have and I should appreciate and savor it for what it is...because the future is only ever a potential.

I think that you have done as much as can be done "prepping" for these moments. You will have doubts, you will have set-backs (possibly? probably?) - but for now...ENJOY!

JaneQ
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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Old 03-28-2012, 01:15 PM
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Thanks, Jane. As it's only been a couple days, we're still in the process of really getting to know each other. We're all still wound up a bit, none of us planned on this happening & especially not that quickly.

I'm not sure if I'm noticing little things to worry about because they're becoming more apparent or because I'm just trying to find things to worry about. I'm in a wait & see mode, I guess, now.

Just enjoy for now & if it falls apart, we'll clean up the mess, learn from our mistakes, and move on. IF it falls apart. Who knows? It could be an amazing experience.
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