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  #11  
Old 03-27-2012, 03:45 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Jericka, you are a woman after my own heart. I love your advice. A "recovering nice good girl." What a gem.

Aurelie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your bf not to ask you these questions. If I were you, I would say, "You know, I really don't appreciate your questions. And I've noticed your moodiness every time I go out. This is the way it is. He is a part of my life, and I told you from the beginning that you have to accept that to be in relationship with me. I never asked you to stop seeing other people. If you're looking for some changes in our relationship, you need to start discussing it with me like a grown-up and stop sulking and questioning me about my lover."
Haha, he does sulk, and your right, we have to discuss this and have it out proper, sooner rather than later.

I just need to work out how I go about it.
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  #12  
Old 03-27-2012, 03:54 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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[QUOTE=Jericka;130371]You live with the boyfriend and he's acting as Dad for your little boy?

It sounds like you thought you had almost the perfect situation for a while there. As long as the boyfriend was dating others too, and not feeling jealous, everything was wonderful...

Now, though, you have to figure out what you need, what you really want, and what you can live without, because I foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

Seriously. Figure out what you need. Not, what the boyfriend needs, because that's his job to figure out.

Figure out what you need and ask for it.

This may mean you have to ditch the idea of being a nice good girl. If you don't know what I mean by this, it may not make sense yet. In our society, women are often brought up to defer to everyone else's wishes/desires/wants before even considering what they themselves might need. You have the right to run your life. You will be happier if you admit that there are things that you need to have to make you happy. You are an adult, and you can ask for these things. You may not get them from the people that you ask. Determine whether you can live with that, or if you need to move on.


That paragraph? Written from the perspective of a recovering nice good girl. That's me. It took me ages(I'm 43) to realize that I did not have to put everyone else's feelings above mine.

I'm not advocating being rude, here, but, this jealousy problem that your boyfriend has? His problem. You are not causing it. There are lots of people who could handle the situation you describe just fine without getting insecure about the sex. His problem. You can do what you can to reassure him, but, whether or not you are successful is not in your control. This is his head, and he let's in the reassurances he wants...or not. You can point him at things to read to help him. Whether he reads or understands is not in your control. You can't do it. He is the only one who can.

Boundaries are fine and wonderful things, and you aren't being mean if you stand up for yourself. If he asks how he compares in bed, you don't have to tell him anything. That's between your Lover and yourself. If he presses, you can tell him that you don't talk to your Lover about him, so you aren't going to talk to him about your Lover.

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Yes, I live with my boyfriend, and he has become my beautiful boys Dad.

Your right, I did have the perfect situation for a while, and I'm hoping that I will be able to again.

You say that I have to figure out what I need, what I really want, and what I can live without, because you foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

What can I live without? I know I cannot live without my boyfriend, he comes first.

What do I really want? I want things to be as they were.

What do I need? I think that I need them both, but if it was a choice between the two, then I need my boyfriend so much more.

I also think things will get thornier before they get better. I have to tell my bf what I want, I will not give up what I have easily, and I think he deserves to know the truth about why I want it.

Thanks for the links, they were very interesting. The one for my boyfriend, pretty much describes what he does when I'm not there. My Son and my bf always find silly childish things to do together, or sometimes they go out together. He's a great Dad.
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  #13  
Old 03-27-2012, 06:13 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'd really suggest finding a babysitter at least one of those nights each week. When your partner is stuck sitting at home on the nights you are on dates, then there can be too much free time to BE dwelling on it. That's why so many people suggest when your partner is on dates, that you go do a hobby, go out with friends, do something for YOURSELF to help keep your mind off of it if you're having jealousy or envy.

That's really great that he is willing to stay at home and babysit, but it really isn't fair for him to have to do it every single time, even if he is OK with it. I imagine he might worry he would sound like he was whining or complaining or trying to suggest you break up with your lover if he had the nerve to tell you that he didn't want to be at home and asked you to find other childcare sometimes.

I also think the way you tell him you don't want to discuss/compare them in bed..well the phrasing is so long and awkward that if somebody said that to me I would think they did prefer the other partner. I really would sit him down and say that it's different with each of them, nice with both of you, but you don't want to be discussing it because its not his business, and that you wouldn't discuss how he was in bed with your lover because you respect both of their privacy, and ask him not to bring it up again.
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  #14  
Old 03-27-2012, 03:11 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Did he take care of your son during your weekend get away?

Perhaps broach this by asking what is his motivation for wanting to know this? And what if his worst nightmare came true. (if this is his nightmare). Perhaps he should leave it alone. Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.

But he sounds more mono in thinking and he needs to know this is life identifying thing and something you can't or wont shut off for him or anyone. (At least with his dick size and staying power)

He might be making the mistake of viewing the relationship form how he feels and doesn't get,...... hopes .....wishes you felt exactly the same way...but sadly you don't.

This mind set difference needs to be discussed so you each don't waste anymore of each others time trying to change the other.
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  #15  
Old 03-27-2012, 09:37 PM
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I'm not a big fan of telling people to "deal with it." If I can offer ways to get to a place where they feel better or are on a path that works better I will because it shows a level of care that I like to show.

If I were in your situation I would give little details, stick to my boundaries as best I can and stay empathetic to his. I would also do a tag search here for "jealousy" and read up on how he might deal with it. Maybe read it with him.
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  #16  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:36 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'd really suggest finding a babysitter at least one of those nights each week. When your partner is stuck sitting at home on the nights you are on dates, then there can be too much free time to BE dwelling on it. That's why so many people suggest when your partner is on dates, that you go do a hobby, go out with friends, do something for YOURSELF to help keep your mind off of it if you're having jealousy or envy.

That's really great that he is willing to stay at home and babysit, but it really isn't fair for him to have to do it every single time, even if he is OK with it. I imagine he might worry he would sound like he was whining or complaining or trying to suggest you break up with your lover if he had the nerve to tell you that he didn't want to be at home and asked you to find other childcare sometimes.

I also think the way you tell him you don't want to discuss/compare them in bed..well the phrasing is so long and awkward that if somebody said that to me I would think they did prefer the other partner. I really would sit him down and say that it's different with each of them, nice with both of you, but you don't want to be discussing it because its not his business, and that you wouldn't discuss how he was in bed with your lover because you respect both of their privacy, and ask him not to bring it up again.


Well, we dont have any trouble getting a sitter for Max, and My bf does go out with his friends sometimes when I'm with my lover, last night he went out to watch the football. He really does enjoy spending time with Max. You may be right though and it's something I will talk to him about.

The way I tell him I dont want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I cant tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his, and he's to nice to tell him it's not his business. I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse.

I dont know, my head is in such a mess about this now.
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  #17  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:43 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Did he take care of your son during your weekend get away?

Perhaps broach this by asking what is his motivation for wanting to know this? And what if his worst nightmare came true. (if this is his nightmare). Perhaps he should leave it alone. Don't ask questions you might not want to hear the answers to.

But he sounds more mono in thinking and he needs to know this is life identifying thing and something you can't or wont shut off for him or anyone. (At least with his dick size and staying power)

He might be making the mistake of viewing the relationship form how he feels and doesn't get,...... hopes .....wishes you felt exactly the same way...but sadly you don't.

This mind set difference needs to be discussed so you each don't waste anymore of each others time trying to change the other.


Yes he looked after my son when I was away.

I'm going to talk to him about this all soon, as it's really starting to bother both him and I. Maybe he needs to hear the truth, I dont know.

He was sulky and moody again yesterday at dinner before I went out, to the point where both his mother and Max noticed.
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  #18  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:49 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm not a big fan of telling people to "deal with it." If I can offer ways to get to a place where they feel better or are on a path that works better I will because it shows a level of care that I like to show.

If I were in your situation I would give little details, stick to my boundaries as best I can and stay empathetic to his. I would also do a tag search here for "jealousy" and read up on how he might deal with it. Maybe read it with him.

Yes, I agree. Even though he knew about my relationship with my lover before we became a couple, lots has happened since then. He has shown me and Max so much kindness, and there is no way I could ever tell him to just deal with it. I love him and also care about him and want to make this as easy as possible.

Little details, yes that might be the way.
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  #19  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:51 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Thanks for your kind advice everyone.
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  #20  
Old 03-28-2012, 05:57 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
The way I tell him I dont want to discuss/compare them in bed sounds awkward because I feel awkward. What do you say to someone when they ask if your lover has a bigger dick? I cant tell him the truth, that it's twice the size of his, and he's to nice to tell him it's not his business. I fumble over my words and I think that makes it worse.
You know what I would say if I couldn't be assertive and say "I don't think it's your business, and I don't think of you in terms of penises, as you are just both lovely people who I enjoy spending time with" in a healthy way, and I thought I'd already made my initial partner feel he was inferior by my hedging, but I felt compelled to be honest and respond to his query?

I'd say "His penis is bigger or thicker than yours (choose one if it is both...) but penis size doesn't mean better lover. YOU have/do X in bed that I find more satisfying. THEN I'd say it makes me really uncomfortable discussing it and that I didn't want to bring it up again. I think that there is no reason that partners shouldn't feel like they are on an even playing field. and it doesn't matter how much one partner is better at an activity than another, unless partner A loves said activity and partner B HATES said activity, playing favorites or ranking partners is a losing battle.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 03-28-2012 at 05:06 PM.
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