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  #21  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:16 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
@feely -

Considering that you've explicitly said that you don't intend to engage in a dialogue about this, rather than put a lot of thought into it I'm just going to say that we must have very different ideas about what whipped means. Having different prospects does not mean that one person is whipped in the way I think of the term, any more than a woman would be considered whipped if her male partner gets a high paying corporate job when it might be harder for her, as a woman, to get such a job. Y'know, as long as we're being real about different realities different genders face.
Oh, yeah. The old, dating double-standards to compensate for workplace double-standards waltz. Fair enough.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 03-23-2012 at 02:24 AM.
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  #22  
Old 03-23-2012, 04:17 AM
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So you were keen on the idea to begin with and now it isn't working. It seems clear to me that you its time to come to the table and renegotiate. Her party is told to cool it or the cops will show up and yours is just getting going.

Seems about right to me that its time for change. The NRE demanding wife gets to suck it up, just as any of us who have ever had NRE in a poly dynamic have. Its just the way it all works I'm afraid....
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  #23  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:43 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
Oh, yeah. The old, dating double-standards to compensate for workplace double-standards waltz. Fair enough.
Preface: Sorry about the hijack, OP, feel free to ignore!

Who's talking about anything compensating for anything else? Not at all. I'm just pointing out that we all have advantages and disadvantages in different areas based on things we can't control and that holding each other back lifts no one up. Let me break down the analogy I'm trying to make, and understand that I'm not saying that jobs are to men as sex is to women in any way (jobs are jobs and sex is sex no matter your gender!), this was just the most easily understood area I could point to where people would accept that women have a harder time than men on average.

For a woman to say to a male partner "It's harder for me to get the sort of high powered job I want so I'd like you not to have one either so that I don't get jealous" would be pretty absurd and would not do anything to enhance her career prospects, all it would do would be to reduce his pool of jobs. Similarly, for a man to say to his bi female partner "It's harder for me to get the outside hetero liaisons I want so I'd like you not to have them either so I don't get jealous" seems like it does nothing to help achieve actual equality, all it does is reduce her sexual/relationship prospects without enhancing his.

Now if that is in fact what you need to not be jealous, and you seek out relationships that will work for you in that regard, I'm actually totally fine with that. I'm not a big fan of OPP but you seem to know what will and won't work for you and that's crucial. You do your thing, it's all good.

Where I draw the line is in saying that a man is "pussy whipped" if he lets his female partner be involved with other men, thereby, all other things being equal, having more prospects for casual sex than he does. The term implies an unhealthy relationship where one partner doesn't care for the other's needs and the other partner won't stand up for those needs.

To apply that term to any situation where one person has more prospects than the other is just absurd and kind of offensive to all the poly people, hetero and bi, who don't have gender restrictions on who can get with who but who do in fact have healthy relationships where they care for each other's needs. Again, what the heck are you supposed to do in a relationship where one partner is more conventionally attractive than the other and therefore has more prospects... is there no way to be open in that scenario without one partner being "whipped"?

Do you get what I'm saying?
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  #24  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:00 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I thought I'd mention that the guy hasn't been back since the first pussy whipped comment by Sourgirl.. days ago.
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  #25  
Old 03-23-2012, 05:14 PM
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Maybe he lost interest because of all the non-sequitors.

He and his wife are new to poly. So let's be kind. He may or may not be pussy whipped. He didn't mention an OPP (one penis policy). His wife is not dating women. She has one steady male lover/fuckbuddy (could be a serious bf, we don't know).

Sounds to me like his wife is caught up in New Relationship Energy (NRE). She doesn't seem to realize having sex with her partner once a week, and her good old hubs rarely getting any sugar is unfair.

But of course it is. Most experienced poly people make sure to attend to the romantic and sexual desires of their primary, or things can get very ugly, as they are here.

I'd recommend he renegotiate for more romance and sex with his wife. Surely she can manage sex once a week with both her husband and her lover? At least?

My gf gets turned on when she knows I have had sex with one of my 2 bfs and I always take care of her sexual cravings for me. It's only fair. Plus, it's great fun for me!

I do have a high libido and manage sex with the gf about 4x a week and once a week with each bf. Just sayin.'

And if the original agreement was that she can date locally and he can only date way out of town... first of all, why? Second of all, if it's not working, renegotiate boundaries around that as well.
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  #26  
Old 03-23-2012, 05:55 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Wow. You people have a lot of fun twisting pussies and whips. :P

In case it`s too difficult to actually read, I said he is playing the role of a pussy-whipped man, by asking for permission, instead of negotiating what he wants. The whole reason for someone to be labelled as pussy-whipped by their peers, is because they themselves DON`T see what is happening. Wake-up call. your definition may vary, but for all intents and purposes, it is designed to be a wake-up call.

One of those 'There are no victims, only volunteers' scenarios.

If it was to be mean, or make fun, it would of been said like he should find his wife`s purse, and retrieve his balls from it. Isn`t that right DH ?

However, if his wife has since seen this thread, and he is now grounded from his laptop, I`m REALLY going to label him pussy-whipped.

I`d prefer to be wrong !

Last edited by SourGirl; 03-23-2012 at 06:01 PM.
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  #27  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:32 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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wow that's considered mean I thought it was just funny ..You know I use that phrase all the time... especially with my brother in law.
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  #28  
Old 03-24-2012, 03:43 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Do you get what I'm saying?
I believe so. I've said all I wanted for now.
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  #29  
Old 03-25-2012, 05:49 AM
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Default selfishness, selfishness

Oh my she sounds selfish. Her complete lack of concern for your feelings tells me something very clearly. This is not polyamory. This is an affair leading up to the dissolution of a marriage. Sorry.
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  #30  
Old 03-25-2012, 10:17 PM
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I can sympathize with this situation. My wife is living her own secret life with multiple lovers and thinks I don't know but when the lack of intimacy is brought up she flies off the handle as if I'm asking for too much. My only advice is to find your own peace of mind.
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