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  #11  
Old 03-23-2012, 11:23 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think there could be two kinds of DADT policies, actually.

One is where the couple say they don't want to know anything about the other's extramarital (or extra-partnershipal?) relationships and sexual activities.

The other kind of DADT, I think, is where they consent to one or both partners having relationships and really are fine about it, but just don't want details.
Agreed. There is such a thing as privacy.
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  #12  
Old 03-24-2012, 09:42 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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RP,
First I agree it maybe healthier to not have a DADT.

I get that its the denial and thinking behind the policy ...but I'm saying the policy itself isn't to blame. It could be executed in an honest and fair manner.

In the example you sited it sounded like this couple had a no falling in love rule that he either ignored or wasn't in his copy of the rule book . I would think that would be under the guidelines on opening up our relationship. DADT would deal with specific activities and interactions.

My wife and I had such a policy ...her saying she was going out or had a date ...or had plans all meant she was going to see her bf. She never lied. she didn't say one thing and mean another...not to me anyway ...she did lie to the kids several times.

I guess the range and scope open relationship and DADT have to be tightly nailed down for comparison. If you have an open relationship ...which means "romantic dating" and sex ...gosh hard to believe the word LOVE might pop up. Seems pretty predictable.

I guess from your point of view I had a modified or soft DADT?
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  #13  
Old 03-24-2012, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
soft DADT?
ha ha. Ya, sounds like it. It also sounds like you just had good boundaries around the details you wanted to know about and what she was willing to share. I find that to be different than a DADT. To me a DADT is about everything that a person does with another person under the realm of creating a relationship, maintaining that relationship and seeing others for the purpose of sex. To me its a policy that denies that there is anything going on at all. Kind of a "sweep it under the rug" policy, rather than an "I don't want to know details policy."
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  #14  
Old 03-25-2012, 12:30 PM
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My wife and I are at the end of a triad relationship where the wife "thought" she had a DADT agreement. As their relationship started to skid she offered him to stop seeing us which turned into a "you've been fucking them?!?! since when is seeing them fucking them??!"

A complete emotional mess for everyone. Which translated into us not being able to see each other at all anymore.

A and I have chosen to go Mono with each other per her request though she always puts that "for now" addendum on everything as the escape clause.
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  #15  
Old 03-25-2012, 01:41 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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I have one very simple problem with DADT relationships.

Guy: It's OK for me to date you/sleep with you. My wife has given me permission to do what I like, she just doesn't want to know about it.

Me: I see. Will she have one conversation with me and tell me that it's OK for me to date you/sleep with you?

Guy: Oh, no! She doesn't want to know any of my partners or anything about them or anything about what I'm up to. She just wants to be left out of it.

Me: I see. So how can I tell you do really have "permission" and aren't just cheating on her and lying to me?

Guy: Ummmm.....


I've had this conversation a LOT and I almost find it amusing now.
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  #16  
Old 03-25-2012, 03:00 PM
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Understand that. After the Gingrich "open Marriage" thing broke a news reported stated we don't date outside our "species". I pondered that for a bit. I think at times people want to try this but are ill prepared for the ups and downs of it, myself included.

In most of my cases I have followed my heart and while it has been dented sometimes seldom broken.
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  #17  
Old 03-25-2012, 03:52 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
I have one very simple problem with DADT relationships.

Guy: It's OK for me to date you/sleep with you. My wife has given me permission to do what I like, she just doesn't want to know about it.

Me: I see. Will she have one conversation with me and tell me that it's OK for me to date you/sleep with you?

Guy: Oh, no! She doesn't want to know any of my partners or anything about them or anything about what I'm up to. She just wants to be left out of it.

Me: I see. So how can I tell you do really have "permission" and aren't just cheating on her and lying to me?

Guy: Ummmm.....


I've had this conversation a LOT and I almost find it amusing now.
Yeah....

I really need to know that I am not a secret fling. THAT part is a deal breaker.

Do I need to know every detail or expect every detail of what we do to go back to my metamour? No. There is privacy.

I happen to like knowing more about my metamour, and being able to talk to her. She likes that I am willing to acknowledge that she exists and that she is important to my Love, because a previous woman that he dated liked to pretend that she did not exist...did not want any reminders that he was married.

So, anyway, the DADT stuff can apparently cone from either direction.
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  #18  
Old 03-25-2012, 04:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jericka View Post


So, anyway, the DADT stuff can apparently cone from either direction.
Yeah I have to admit being a "secret" wears on me. They have full access to me, to call, stop by, chat. My neighbors know her car, what she looks like, one even knows what the Mrs and I are up to. Cant say as I know one of her friends. I guess the frustrating part is when I want to go out on a date and nights are "off limits".
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  #19  
Old 03-26-2012, 10:24 PM
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Yeah, I have the "soft DADT" with Legs. He knows generally what goes on with Wolf, and in the past he's usually known when I go out on dates with other men (because I confirm the actual evening/night I'll be gone with him.)

But recently, he asked me to close my one-on-one sexual encounters to either him or Wolf. Poly-fi style, I suppose. I feel like the DADT may have caused this in some way, but I'm not sure.

I could never do the full on DADT. I love knowing what goes on in Legs' and Wolf's dating lives just as much I love knowing what goes on in the rest of their lives. It hurts me if they don't want to tell me things, and it hurts if they don't want to know things. I'm not saying the play-by-play; just the generality of it. "We went there; we did this; it was fun; I like her." etc.
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Last edited by Kemie; 03-26-2012 at 10:31 PM.
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  #20  
Old 03-27-2012, 02:15 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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There's a pretty big grey area, isn't there? My husband wants to know who else I am involved with, so he can avoid them. That's pretty much all he wants to know. I'm sticking to the boundaries he laid out (no PIV or oral sex) and he's trusting me to do that. He has no interest in hearing about what happens within those boundaries.

I do let him know when I am going to be with C (usually a necessity due to child care) but I don't give details. The other day I told him I was meeting C for breakfast, but not that the "breakfast" C had waiting for me consisted only of raspberries and chocolate syrup in a hotel room, with no dishes.

Since all of this is still new and evolving for us, I have had lots of conversations with C about what my husband says he wants or feels. (The boundaries have shifted back and forth several times in several months.) So even though there has never been a direct acknowledgement between them, each knows that the other knows what is what.

I do sometimes wish my husband was the sort of person who'd get excited by the juicy details, or even just the sweet and touching details, of my relationship with C, because I have no one I can talk to about it when I'm bubbling over with joy. (Even L, my lifelong confidante, gets too jealous.) But I know it has been a stretch for my husband to get as comfortable as he is with where we are now, and I love and respect him so much for it. Ours is not so much "don't ask don't tell" as "I would tell if only you would ask". I don't have any sense that things would blow up if he ever did ask for details, since he seems to be imagining more or less what happens anyway (usually more, I've found).
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