Insert Witty Title Here - A Story by Kyle
I've been considering starting a blog on here for some time. I just never know what to say first. I suppose I could make this a continuation of my thread (found: here).
Since that week my wife has found someone (J) nearby that she can spend time with and I met someone (A) that lives several hours away. Although we haven't had a chance to meet, A and I have been talking for hours a day and I really feel myself connecting with her. My wife and I went to a birthday party and invited J to come along with us. This was their first time actually meeting so I gave them space so as not to scare him off and I can tell he really likes her. She says she's not super into him or anything but I think that they will get along well. He also fit in our circle of friends pretty nicely. So that's good. He also wasn't weird around me and he actually talked to me instead of being a jerk like the guy in LA (LA for short, the one that was supposedly both of our friends, but I don't want to talk about him so moving on). I even told her that maybe it's good that she isn't super into him so it doesn't end up moving too fast and she doesn't end up hurt and she can be more herself without worrying so much about everything.
My wife mentioned to me both last night and this morning that I have been on my phone a lot and talking (well... texting) to A more than she has LA and J combined. She also said she wished that she had someone she could talk to the same way A and I talk. Her and LA used to talk like that before she went out there but now they don't. I understand her frustration but this is why I kept telling her to take it slow and she didn't want that so what do you do? Just ride it out. I told her she always has me and she said I knew that's not what she meant. So then I tell her she has J and she says she just doesn't feel like that towards him... yet. The conversations remind me of couples trying to date other couples and everyone being worried about the connections all evolving at the same speed. Except our two people don't even know each other so it's even worse.
I also think she's a little jealous of how much time I've spent talking to A but when I was telling her that I felt left out she said it's because we have known each other for 5 years and she already knows so much about me. Tables are turned and suddenly she knows how I feel. She's still done more than I have with another so right now I think even if she does have a problem with it she wouldn't tell me for fear of me feeling like it wasn't fair. I have told her that life isn't fair and if she realized she really wasn't poly then we would figure it out but she says she wants to keep this up.
She also mentioned that she's cautious because she didn't know A as friends before all of this. None of us did. I thought that was odd considering LA was someone we DID know and that could have potentially gone poorly for a lot of people and we don't know J (even though he lives here). I understand her point, I guess, because A lives a little distance away. However, every single person I've been in a serious relationship with I've met online. My first girlfriend lived in Pennsylvania and I met her after several years of talking. My second girlfriend was a friend of my friend. I guess I met her at a party but she told me she had no interest in me then. I started talking to her on AIM and we dated for over two years. My third girlfriend lived 3 hours away and I started driving to see her every weekend. I met my wife through MySpace. She lived a couple hours away but was here for college. So, no, it's not something I'm concerned about. I can tell when people are feeding me bullshit and aren't really who they say they are.
But enough about everyone else, this blog is about me!
I feel like... I don't know how to explain it. I imagine all of you out there that have either cheated or wanted to cheat or just longed for something you thought you could never have know what I'm going through. It's like this burden of secrecy has been removed from your life. It's the first time in my life where when I saw someone I found attractive I didn't have to worry if the person I was with would be mad because I talked to them or looked or whatever. Mind you, since I've become an adult I have never cheated on anyone. Before then I was a juvenile and those records are sealed!
I also am happy that I finally found someone I can talk to. I've been looking since we started talking about being poly and I went on one date towards the beginning but it just didn't feel right. I'm glad I decided not to go back to her because I know she was mono and I feel like she would have gotten attached and that would have been messy if I decided to break it off. I also didn't want to hurt her like that. As so many people are quick to say, "Don't forget, you're dealing with people." A is pretty amazing and I find myself checking my phone throughout the day hoping that whatever reminder or notification I received was from her.
It helps enormously that she's poly as well and that I can talk to her about this stuff and she can give me real advice on how to handle situations. I talk to several friends at work and they say things that are clearly coming from the mind of someone that's mono. Things like, "Well, you let her go be with another man, she should do X". That's not how this works and it's not good to let them reinforce those thoughts in my head. I gave up jealousy a long time ago and I've been a great deal happier as a result. I don't need people putting it back in my head. I don't want people to reinforce my envy. It's not healthy. So when I talk to A and she says, "Why are you counting? Quality over quantity" it really strikes me. When she talks about her problems with other people, and I'm able to talk about my problems with my wife and neither of us get jealous and we're able to just give advice and be rational about it... it helps. A lot.
I'm running out of things to talk about right now without going into detail and not all of it is my story to tell so I'm going to stop for now. Maybe I'll try to write here daily to keep myself grounded and have a log of how I feel from day to day. I know some people don't like others posting in your blog but I don't mind. You're all welcome to reply if you like.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
|dysfunctional marriage, lack of communication, mending a relationship|