Completely New To This and Need Some Advice

[matellas]

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

So YOU keep making agreements and changes, by YOUR choice. If you don't want to agree, that's fine, you don't have to, but looking at it as, "I did this for you, I don't want to do any more until you do something for me," is at best immature and childish, at worst dysfunctional. If her wanting to change the rules is the problem, you need to take a much closer look at how you do relationships.Not agreeing to a rule change is fine, but not wanting a rule change brought up is not. I've asked to change the rules a million times. Talking about changing the rules shouldn't be a bad thing. But demanding a change or putting a ridiculous time limit/ultimatum on changing the rules is Not Ok.

You are correct in the thought that me not wanting the rule change is an immature. But please understand that in all my relationships they have been monogamous from the start. More so the love has been monogamous. The sex in the end I can handle and enjoy possibly as I have never thought that humans were destined to only sleep with one person and only have chemistry with one person. But when the rule change has to do with intangible such as feelings and love that's on another level. More so I have been stubborn in this situation just due to the way that it has all come out and come apart as well.

[dingedheart]

Did she ever come and read this thread?

Is she moved entirely out now ?

[matellas]

Originally Posted by Phy

Just a short note: Your reaction is in no way immature, don't worry about that. The most important thing in poly next to love is honesty. This will never work if she is not able to be honest and show concern and integrity towards all. I hope you will be well and handle the upcoming stressful days as collected as possible. I am sorry that things went like that.

Thank you for your thoughts. All in all the few days I spent learning about poly and working on being open with her have been some of the best I can remember in regards to communication. I forced myself to be open and honest about every little thing with her. It wasn't easy but it helped make great strides in us being better with each other, even if it did come to a crashing hault. If nothing else I know I can take away how much brutal honesty is important in any relationship.

[matellas]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

That's a possible benefit to you, ya know. If you did get be friends with him, and trust him; you'd have someone to stay home with kids so you could take her out on a fun date.

Lol, funny you say that becuase that's exactly what she was saying to me as well.

[matellas]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Did she ever come and read this thread?

Is she moved entirely out now ?

She never read any of the thread. On (Sunday?) when I found her book The Ethical Slut, she said that she got the book because everything she found on the internet was garbage. Though she read about 10 pages out of the book and stopped and was done.

As for her moving out, she picked up a few things last night. That went terrible. I tried talking to her last night when she came home after we had been both been drinking heavily. She just kept telling me that I told her to get out and that's what she is doing. I told her let's talk about it first and go from there and in the process I got slapped upside the head, punched and kicked for standing in her to the bedroom. My fault for trying to stop her from going in but she shuts down and won't listen when she gets angry. I never touched or did anything physical I just kept begging her to stop when she started hitting me. I'm at work for most of the day today and she's off all day. There is this app on our phones were you can check in at different locations for points and see where your friends are checking into. She isn't checking in but he is. I'm sure they are together and the last place they were was at lunch just an hour ago after getting coffee. So after that they may be going back to our place and clearing it out. I guess I will find out when I get off work tonight and go home ...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by matellas

...I really didn't think I would be able to do this.

...I was against it with him. It's that with someone who she has been sharing an open honest relationship was him and not me. I confirmed that last night when the three of us were at the bar and I ended up looking through her text messages from him. She had been promising me that he was unaware of her feelings and that nothing had nor would take place until her and I could take the time to research together and talk and build a stronger communication/relationship between us. In her texts there were messages about how much he wanted to hold her again and touch etc.

I left the bar after confronting her and him about it and went home. She showed up some time later to pack some of her clothes and go stay with him. I asked her about why she hadn't been honest about what was in her texts before and she told me that she didn't think I could handle it. She was right, to a point. I couldn't handle the thought of knowing what's going on feelling like it was behind my back but I could handle the brutal honesty and at least feel like we could have a chance to be on the same page together.

Oh that sucks! All this bullshit she was handing you, while she had already cheated and betrayed you!

See what putting people on a pedestal will get you?

She sounds very selfish and like someone who only wants what she wants and is unable to see that there are other things in this world that are more important than getting her way. I feel sorry for her.

You will be okay. I hope you are able to take care of yourself and your kids, and move on. She sounds like the only thing she can offer you is drama and pain.

[matellas]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh that sucks! All this bullshit she was handing you, while she had already cheated and betrayed you!

See what putting people on a pedestal will get you?

She sounds very selfish and like someone who only wants what she wants and is unable to see that there are other things in this world that are more important than getting her way. I feel sorry for her.

You will be okay. I hope you are able to take care of yourself and your kids, and move on. She sounds like the only thing she can offer you is drama and pain.

Thank you for your words. She is someone who honestly can be a little selfish but can be the sweetest person in the world also. At this point I wish her the best and hope all works out for her. Pedestals are something that people can fall from and she actually told me to take her down from hers a long time ago.

My kids are the most important thing to me. The other effect in all of this is that the kids look to her as their mom since my ex wife is not really a mother to them.