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  #31  
Old 03-20-2012, 03:17 AM
Monochrome Monochrome is offline
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I think most of my points have already been brought up, but I just wanted to second (or third, or fourth) the call for discussion.

Despite her deadline, it sounds like she is still confused over just what she wants. She wants to have you and this new guy, but cries at the thought of you having some other love interest? It sounds like she hasn't really examined her own feelings, because the inequality in that thought tells me that this is an impulse, possibly fueled by NRE (new relationship energy), and may not be a true inclination toward polyamory. There are many paths to polyamory, and many forms of polyamory, but wanting to have multiple relationships while limiting your partner(s) just isn't healthy.

Your inclination to have her move out may be a little extreme, but that is not so surprising considering her deadline. This may actually be why she put the deadline in place. I am only hearing his from you, and only a few posts really, but it seems that she may not want to lose you (and/or your children), but wants to pursue this relationship, so she put the deadline in place hoping for you to react. That way, she "just" put a deadline, she didn't break up with you, she didn't move out, she didn't create a poly situation, she just told you to make a decision...and put a deadline on that decision. Any breaking up, or "having a break," or moving out, any change at all, would be your choice. Except, not really. With the deadline of two weeks, she didn't really give you a chance to examine your own feelings, didn't give you a chance to read (and actually comprehend) any literature you find about polyamory, and she didn't give you a chance to talk with her and go over questions and concerns. She set it up so that anything that happens would be your choice. If things work out, then yay! If things don't work out, well, then it's your choice and your fault. She can blame you and absolve herself of guilt. And she may not even realize she's doing this, the whole process may be subconscious.
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  #32  
Old 03-20-2012, 04:03 AM
matellas matellas is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Let me see if I can get MC over here to give you his perspective, since he's the mono one and there may be more going on in his brain than I can guess at.
I have to say I laughed out loud at the last part : )
I think that would be fanatstic to have his opinion.

I think what is so hard for me is when I began into this relationship that I was told that we would never have a threesome and if cheated it was over. That was two years ago but I have stuck to those rules. I was told no threesomes which I obliged. I had done that a number of times before and enjoyed it but was willing to swear it off for the sake of making it work. It feels like I have learned to be one thing for us now I'm being asked to be something else.

I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.

Thank you for the answer on what I can get out of this. My thought though is this. I kind of look at this as a hunter/gather approach which I can imagine sounds totall shallow. I expend my resources to help her and she does the same for me. With a third though I'm expending the same amount of resources but only getting half from her. For example, with two small kids we are constantly cleaning up or doing stuff around our place or trying to plan for them. There is usually little free time for anything else. The time she spends now with him already and has been means that she is doing less to take care of our family's needs and the burden falls back on me. My kids are with us about 75% of the week and the other 25% with my ex. On my days off they are my whole day from 7:30am till 8:30pm. Once they go to bed I spend the time cleaning and doing laundry and plannning for the next day or even doing work for my job on my laptop. There is little time for me to myself and little time for each other. When she is spending time with him she will blow off chores that we have agreed to she would take care of and it will fall back on me. So how am I supposed to say yes to something that will add more stress to already stressfull household?

Being in two committed relationships. What happens when your the hinge? and one of the other partners now wants to take on a partner of their own? or if both of the partners want that? Do you ever just say enough we stop at this many and no more?
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  #33  
Old 03-20-2012, 04:49 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I have to say I laughed out loud at the last part : )
I think that would be fanatstic to have his opinion.
Well, you got it! MC=Monochrome, and he posted above your last one. ^^^

Quote:
I think what is so hard for me is when I began into this relationship that I was told that we would never have a threesome and if cheated it was over. That was two years ago but I have stuck to those rules. I was told no threesomes which I obliged. I had done that a number of times before and enjoyed it but was willing to swear it off for the sake of making it work. It feels like I have learned to be one thing for us now I'm being asked to be something else.
So YOU keep making agreements and changes, by YOUR choice. If you don't want to agree, that's fine, you don't have to, but looking at it as, "I did this for you, I don't want to do any more until you do something for me," is at best immature and childish, at worst dysfunctional. If her wanting to change the rules is the problem, you need to take a much closer look at how you do relationships.Not agreeing to a rule change is fine, but not wanting a rule change brought up is not. I've asked to change the rules a million times. Talking about changing the rules shouldn't be a bad thing. But demanding a change or putting a ridiculous time limit/ultimatum on changing the rules is Not Ok.

Quote:
I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.
This may be what love is to you, but that doesn't mean that her definition of love or anyone else's will be the same as yours. You may want to look more closely at your definition, or at least talk with her about your definition versus hers. Frankly, this sounds more like adoration than love to me, but I'm not the one you're in love with so my opinion doesn't count for that much except something to think about.

Quote:
Thank you for the answer on what I can get out of this. My thought though is this. I kind of look at this as a hunter/gather approach which I can imagine sounds totall shallow. I expend my resources to help her and she does the same for me. With a third though I'm expending the same amount of resources but only getting half from her. For example, with two small kids we are constantly cleaning up or doing stuff around our place or trying to plan for them. There is usually little free time for anything else. The time she spends now with him already and has been means that she is doing less to take care of our family's needs and the burden falls back on me. My kids are with us about 75% of the week and the other 25% with my ex. On my days off they are my whole day from 7:30am till 8:30pm. Once they go to bed I spend the time cleaning and doing laundry and plannning for the next day or even doing work for my job on my laptop. There is little time for me to myself and little time for each other. When she is spending time with him she will blow off chores that we have agreed to she would take care of and it will fall back on me. So how am I supposed to say yes to something that will add more stress to already stressfull household?
Her already not keeping up her half of the duties and wanting even more time away from home is a legitimate problem. Yes, love is great but being an adult means taking care of your duties and being responsible too. Time management is definitely a hard thing with any relationship + kids, and poly just compounds the problem. It sounds like her wanting to explore with this other guy is bringing problems the two of you already had into the spotlight. The relationship between the two of you needs to be as solid as possible, with everyone being mature and respectful, BEFORE exploring poly.

Quote:
Being in two committed relationships. What happens when your the hinge? and one of the other partners now wants to take on a partner of their own? or if both of the partners want that? Do you ever just say enough we stop at this many and no more?
You can try. If everyone is open to it, then it's possible. But relationship "chains" definitely happen, too. Planning a party with poly people can get complicated, with the guest list getting out of control very quickly! But those are problems for WAY down the road. Something to keep in the back of your mind, sure, but not something I see as being pertinent to the decision you're working on right now.
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  #34  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:01 AM
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The time thing is part of many discussions on here and with the poly-couples as well. Even if feelings are relatively infinite, there is only a certain amount for time every person has on his hands. As one can best speak from the own point of view, I would say that every new person entering our dynamic would have to be as involved as Lin (my boyfriend). Meaning 100%, all in. It has proven to be the way we 'do' relationships. Because of his doubts concerning my time and availability Sward (my husband) didn't wanted two separated households and me switching between them. Our living situation is ideal for all of us, because the most of our time is spend with each other that way. We are only separated during every other night, as I stay with the respective other on those.

In regard to new persons entering our life, I am quite sure that there is a limit. If those relationships would have been outside of our nuclear family structure even sooner reached than later. At least theoretically I could imagine two other partners living with us, but that would be a rare find, as the parameters of them living with us would be a nearly similar close relationship between all of us as it already established itself with only the three of us right now. But never say never ….

Concerning your current situation: I would ask to rearrange things if you finally decide to be part of the poly journey and even if you don't you should look out for those everyday life traps you already discovered. Meaning: only doing boring things like chores with each other, communicating mainly about children and family stuff without spending some couple time to keep the romance between you and her alive. Those things she does with this guy should be done with you as well. Going out, spending some time together without the rest of the family and really important: you need to have some alone time as well on your own. That's important. If you start talking about it, you should make the time management (the current as well as the a possible future one) top priority.
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  #35  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:09 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I guess I also have another question with all this. I know this very well may sound ignorant but I hear so much about love being involved wth all these relationships but I don't remember hearing much about being in love. To me I can see the love in other people and see it in here as well, but what I know about being in love is the feeling of doing anything for that one person. That there is nothing above them. My fiance has always been my "queen." She is what makes me smile. I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that. I always want her to be happy. Which I know is contradictory to what I'm saying. Her happiness and needs are paramount but I may not give her what she wants due even though I want her to be happy,.
So she's your Queen, are you her King? It's not necessary for someone to reciprocate in order to feel love for them; but for ME, it's necessary to live with them.

It might be helpful to you to take the Love Languages quiz. It brought me a lot of insight about how I feel loved (and why the people I love make me feel loved).



I don't even have kids, but my bf would not hold up half the household chores and I wasn't willing to be a bitch or a nag, so he moved out. We couldn't be happier.
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  #36  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Concerning your current situation: I would ask to rearrange things if you finally decide to be part of the poly journey and even if you don't you should look out for those everyday life traps you already discovered. Meaning: only doing boring things like chores with each other, communicating mainly about children and family stuff without spending some couple time to keep the romance between you and her alive. Those things she does with this guy should be done with you as well. Going out, spending some time together without the rest of the family and really important: you need to have some alone time as well on your own. That's important. If you start talking about it, you should make the time management (the current as well as the a possible future one) top priority.
That's a possible benefit to you, ya know. If you did get be friends with him, and trust him; you'd have someone to stay home with kids so you could take her out on a fun date.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #37  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I have put her on a pedestal and never let falter from that.
Ahh, but you know the problem with pedestals is that people ALWAYS fall off.
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  #38  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:29 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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I don't know how to answer each and every reply here and unfortunately I think time is a little short for me today, so let me just update as to where it stands. I spoke to her after everybody's gracious comments and advice and told her that I really didn't think I would be able to do this. I would definetly go down the road and look at all the options but I'm really not sure if this is for me. I know with saying that it sounds like I had already made up my mind and that's what she said to. Then I realized it wasn't that I was against this with her it was that I was against it with him. It's that with someone who she has been sharing an open honest relationship was him and not me. I confirmed that last night when the three of us were at the bar and I ended up looking through her text messages from him. She had been promising me that he was unaware of her feelings and that nothing had nor would take place until her and I could take the time to research together and talk and build a stronger communication/relationship between us. In her texts there were messages about how much he wanted to hold her again and touch etc.
I left the bar after confronting her and him about it and went home. She showed up some time later to pack some of her clothes and go stay with him. I asked her about why she hadn't been honest about what was in her texts before and she told me that she didn't think I could handle it. She was right, to a point. I couldn't handle the thought of knowing what's going on feelling like it was behind my back but I could handle the brutal honesty and at least feel like we could have a chance to be on the same page together.
I'm not sure were we stand at this point. I told her last night that for sure that I can't make this work between the two of us and him in a poly relationship. It may be immature but I just feel too hurt and betrayed by someone who I thought was telling me everything.

Through everything I have learned and researched in the past few days I truly have a greater appreciation for what poly is about and how it works. I can't say I completely "see the light" but I feel more enlightened than I did.
All of you have been so wonderful to me in helping me better understand what this is all about. If it's ok I would like to try respoond to everyone's previous comments when there is time over the next day or two. Life is a little hectic right now and I'm just slowly trying to catch up from everything that's happening
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  #39  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:35 PM
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Just a short note: Your reaction is in no way immature, don't worry about that. The most important thing in poly next to love is honesty. This will never work if she is not able to be honest and show concern and integrity towards all. I hope you will be well and handle the upcoming stressful days as collected as possible. I am sorry that things went like that.
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  #40  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:43 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Originally Posted by Monochrome View Post
With the deadline of two weeks, she didn't really give you a chance to examine your own feelings, didn't give you a chance to read (and actually comprehend) any literature you find about polyamory, and she didn't give you a chance to talk with her and go over questions and concerns. She set it up so that anything that happens would be your choice. If things work out, then yay! If things don't work out, well, then it's your choice and your fault. She can blame you and absolve herself of guilt. And she may not even realize she's doing this, the whole process may be subconscious.
I have been doing what research I can and reading and going over what I have learned from these posts as well. This was something we were supposed to be doing together between the two of us. We even had a meeting set for Tuesday and Wednesday night of this week to sit and talk about what we learned. At the meeting I realized that I had done all the research and she had done none. Her info from what I can tell is solely based upon what she is getting from him. Not that it's all bad just a little biased to say the least. This was her idea to begin with and I would have hoped to see her take it a little more seriously than she has. As for her absolving herself of guilt well that's the way it usually goes. She is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. I absolutley love her but she will hold fast to being right and has a very diffucult time admitting when she is wrong.
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