An LTR and a childhood friend...help?
Hello, all. Quick turnaround, ive looked around the site before and checked out SOME advice, but im still pretty confused, so, well, reaching out to an anonymous third party for their input. Just didnt think id be asking this quick, but my situation is pretty unique, as i guess most relationships are.
Ive been semi-monogamous my whole life. Ive catered to the ideal that two people fit together....and yet, ive cheated a couple times, when i was younger and when i was in serious LTRs. About 2 and a half years ago, i started dating G, and despite some rocky moments mostly from poor self esteem and insecurities on G's part, we have had a very successful relationship and have been very good for each other. We have motivated each other to higher dreams, where 2 years ago neither of us had any ambition we are now both in intense medical school fields with high hopes (and high paying jobs when we get out!) Weve been living with each other for about a year and a half, the last year of which has been completely on our own. With some ups and downs, which are -either- normal roller coasters in an LTR or deepset issues caused by mental disorders on G's part and different upbringing on both of our parts.
But all in all, we want the same thing - a family, to be together, maybe kids at some point. Seems healthy, and its definitely something -I- want out of my life.
Enter C. Ive known C since i was a young teenager, and have grown really close to her and her family. I never pursued anything with her because either we were unavailable or i thought she was uninterested. She has been Poly pretty much since she discovered her sexual identity, and has had a long series of rough relationships....also due to psychiatric difficulties of an entirely different sort. C is Schizophrenic, which is also degenerative. In several years, this childhood friend of mine will no longer....exist, atleast not on the same level mentally or emotionally.
About 6 months ago, G, C, and C's boyfriend M started getting much closer. C and M introduced us to Stranger in a Strange land, and it feels like something hooked. Many of the ideas expressed both in the book and in polyamory theory seem to really click. Why should we be limited to one person? I can care for someone else as much as i care for my, rather, Primary, if thats what you would call it. With my history of wanting other women, and some changing definitions of love myself, it seems like this might be the sort of thing i can get into - but keep that in mind when giving advice. I say im ready for polyamory, i feel like i am, but who really knows until they are there?
C and M can be sort of reclusive - it isnt a lack of reciprocation, or care, thats just the sort of people they are. But that is not what G is expecting out of whatever happens to form between the four of us. And the more that G pushes them, it feels like the further she gets pushed away.
But i havent been. C is still very close to me, and if anything over the past several months we have both realized feelings that neither of us had acted on before. It feels right, even like a dream come true. And this might just be an utterly, terribly selfish thing of me to say, but i dont want to lose that connection - which i am going to forcibly lose in several years anyway.
More recently, G has figured out that C and M have different feelings in regards to LTRs, and that neither me or her -really- fit into those. It has caused hardship between G and I, as she initially had encouraged my feelings with C.
It hurts very much. These were romantic feelings that i had thrust to the side long ago, thought of as an impossibility and gotten over. Now, it seems like there is a flicker of chance to care for someone ive always wanted to care more for, and the person who ive known a less amount of time but have a strong relationship with wants to end it. She understands that what she is doing right now is hurting me, emotionally, that it feels like im getting torn in two directions and the only thing i want is for people in this to be happy with each other.
G, as i have said, has a history of personal depression, medication misprescription (which cause further damage), a very strict, fundamentalist Pentecostal upbringing, and lots of repressed feelings and distinct feelings of paranoia. I have reassured her, to all ends that i can, that i do not want to leave her, or care for C more than her, and she understands that - but has a blockage at some point between "understanding it" and "believing it".
C, also, has severe mental problems. Early stage schizophrenic, a history of suicidal thoughts (but no attempts), a former history of alcoholism, and a history of personal abuse in relationships has significantly harmed her ability to connect with other people. This is a major reason why i have concluded that she is probably not going to fall for G in the same way that G has fallen for her, and expects reciprocated. Even with this combination of mental problems and social anxieties, C is still able to open up to me and still cares greatly for me. There have been times in her life that i was the only remotely positive role model in her childs life. Whatever we have, it is real...but not permanent.
I am at a total loss. I feel like i am having a rug pulled out from under me and my jaw breaking on the concrete below. G understands that what she is doing hurts me - and recently (past several days) stated she doesnt care if it hurts me, because she is "that selfish".
Despite our stable LTR, due to G's insecurities she has repeatedly tried to break up with me, for reasons ranging from i dont deserve her, or that i would be better without her, and most recently - that i dont have a sexual relationship, at all, with C unless G has the same sexual relationship. This also hurts because i have never wanted to end the relationship with G, have never suggested it and even though there was some consideration, i held off for better, and it usually got better.
Yesterday, she gave the ultimatum - No sexual relationship with C unless G gets the same, or we are over. My relationship with C is not sexually based, she even has serious restraints against it because of the issues she has had in the past. But it seems like, if me and C were to be there, at the right time, then it shouldnt matter, and doesnt affect my relationship with G.
Again, i am not even sure i am Poly. I know i agree with the ideas, and that it is a lifestyle i believe fits better for me than monogamy. But, at the heart, i feel G will only be satisfied with just monogamy. I dont want to lose her, but i dont want to lose what time i have left with C before i wont have any.
I know the first and simplest solution most people would say is - Quit dating crazy women! Hah....if only i could. If you read all of this, thank you very much for caring, and maybe even responding.
TL;DR - me and G have feelings for C, but C doesnt reciprocate the feelings that G expects, so G is willing to end something, or everything, which i am unwilling to do.