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  #1  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:08 AM
Cstevens Cstevens is offline
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Default Looking for advice. New to everything.

Hello everyone,

My name is Cody and I'm going through a tough time right now and was hoping to get your advice. I've been separated from my wife for over a year now because she fell in love with another man and I refused to share her, she still wants me in her life as her husband and lover because she loves us both...I've been distraught about this whole situation until I found this site. I'm looking for help and support as well as wanting to delve further into the poly lifestyle.

So I guess that makes me in an open marriage? Some of the terms and different descriptions I've read have confused me. If anyone can help me I guess I would also be interested in having another relationship with another woman...I don't know what term that is thought. Sorry I feel like a lost and confused idiot at the moment.

Yours Truly,
Cody

Last edited by Cstevens; 03-20-2012 at 05:01 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:02 PM
Cstevens Cstevens is offline
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I believe this time I edited my introduction to be appropriate for this part of the forum...
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  #3  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:27 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and Welcome,

Have you dated any women since the separation? Are dating anyone now?


Why do you think you want to delve into the poly lifestyle?...to replace what you lost? ...or out of fairness?
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Old 03-20-2012, 06:33 PM
Cstevens Cstevens is offline
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I've dated a couple of women and yes I'm looking into it because not only do I want her back I still want myself to be happy and I've always had the feeling that I can't only be with one person. Because one person might not be able to fill all the desires in ones life.... that's kinda hard to explain. I need another to help fill the facets that my wife could not. And to find someone that is perfect for me in every way seems impossible. That's why I'm looking into a poly lifestyle.
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  #5  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:59 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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if you had to put a % on it ...how much is wanting to get back with wife and how much is enriching and supplementing you life?
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  #6  
Old 03-20-2012, 07:38 PM
Cstevens Cstevens is offline
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Thats a hard question. I honestly would be at about 30/70...
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  #7  
Old 03-20-2012, 10:43 PM
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OkNewbs OkNewbs is offline
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Quote:
I've been separated from my wife for over a year now because she fell in love with another man and I refused to share her, she still wants me in her life as her husband and lover because she loves us both...
Quote:
I've always had the feeling that I can't only be with one person.
These don't mesh for me... If you've always felt this way, why is it not ok for her to have the same feeling you say you've always had?
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  #8  
Old 03-21-2012, 01:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How long did you date your wife before getting married?

what were your prospective ages then.

How long were you married? Any kids?
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  #9  
Old 03-21-2012, 02:22 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cstevens View Post
I've been separated from my wife for over a year now because she fell in love with another man and I refused to share her, she still wants me in her life as her husband and lover because she loves us both...
So, have your underlying feelings about sharing her actually changed? Perhaps the "refusing to share" was a knee-jerk reaction to an unfamiliar situation and, upon reflection, the thought of it doesn't bother you as much as you thought it should? Did you think that her loving him would change how she felt about you, and now, looking back, you see that it didn't - she still wants you as her lover-husband the way she did before?

(My husband was in a similar position a little while ago, I'm asking these questions because we have had a number of conversations about his "conversion" and about how his initial reactions weren't necessarily on concordance with his true thoughts and feelings once he took them out and examined them.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cstevens View Post
I've been distraught about this whole situation until I found this site. I'm looking for help and support as well as wanting to delve further into the poly lifestyle.
I hope you find the help and support you need here. Had you and your wife discussed polyamory or open marriage before she fell in love with the other man? Is this something that you want for yourself? Agreeing to poly out of desperation may not be the strongest foundation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cstevens View Post
So I guess that makes me in an open marriage? Some of the terms and different descriptions I've read have confused me. If anyone can help me I guess I would also be interested in having another relationship with another woman...I don't know what term that is thought.
There is a glossary around here somewhere - one of the thread stickies I think. Ultimately the terms are not important - they are just useful tools when trying to describe your situation to someone else (like the people on this forum). What is important is communication and agreement between the people actually involved in the situation. From what I understand polyamory is one configuration that an open marriage can take (swinging, for example, would be another - although these are not necessarily mutually exclusive).

Are you interested in having a relationship with another woman RIGHT NOW - or at some point in the future? It seems like you might have enough on your plate figuring out your relationship with your wife at this point and your new flame might not appreciate being drawn into a situation with the potential for so much drama when you two haven't figured things out between the two of you yet. (Just a thought...)

Just for informational purposes in terms of terminology - if the relationship structure is:

Other Guy only in relationship with your wife who is also in relationship with you who is also in relationship with girlfriend who is not in any other relationship.

- then on this site that would be referred to as a N or a Z, if the other guy or your girlfriend has an additional girlfriend/boyfriend that would make it a W or M, if it's just Guy-wife-you that's a V - which is enough letters to make alphabet soup After that it gets complicated...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cstevens View Post
Sorry I feel like a lost and confused idiot at the moment.
I think many of us can empathize with that sentiment at times - I know I can! The journey to unlost and unconfused can be difficult but rewarding...enjoy the journey.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-21-2012 at 02:27 PM. Reason: spelling
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  #10  
Old 03-22-2012, 02:11 AM
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FrankLee FrankLee is offline
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Default When my wife left me...

... for another man, I would have very much appreciated her making the same offer to me that your wife has to you. She didn't of course, but if she had I would have gladly accepted.
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