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  #11  
Old 11-24-2009, 06:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Probably safe & necessary exploration

Hey Christian,
I think it's probably safe territory to explore - maybe even necessary. I think most people have at least a little bit of both exhibitionist and voyeur side to them and it would be good for all to find out just where that part sits for you both. She may just have a strong exhibitionist side (or fantasy) that needs exploring. But it may be something else. A power thing. Dominant tendencies ? She will control your place. (All you deep into the D/s thing can add more clarity if need be).
You should find this out- may as well do it now.

You'll also learn the equiv lessons about yourself. How much of a voyeur are YOU ? How important to you is it ? How comfortable are you with her being in control of your desires ?

All good stuff to know about ourselves and prospective partners
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  #12  
Old 11-24-2009, 06:55 PM
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Christian Christian is offline
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GroundedSpirit, thank you, good ideas to think about.

I think theoretically I am a voyeur. And so maybe that would be enough for me. I suppose a part of me is also afraid i would "like" it too much.

By that, I mean I would never want to "need" it later. Or want more. I have the ability to obsess over things. But, I also dont know if i want my fears to hold her back in something she obviously wants.
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  #13  
Old 11-24-2009, 07:37 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Another thing is - even if it is "just sex", her theoretical partner (the other girl) is more than a piece of flesh. It would have to depend on how SHE feels about being watched, because what you have described is essentially a threesome. Even if you are not touching either one of them, if you are voyeuristic, watching, turned on, playing with yourself, and/or having an orgasm because of their sexy-fun-time, it WOULD be a THREESOME because there would be THREE people involved.

If that is all good with all three of you (you, Eve, and whoever the other girl would be), then RAWK! It's these little stipulations and minutiae that are supposed to cushion one person's insecurities at the expense of others that send up red flags for me.

But I don't really care since I'm not one of the people involved. You do whatever makes sense to you.

Hope you have a good one!
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  #14  
Old 11-24-2009, 09:15 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I liked how you said that being mono is what makes you be your best in your first post. Something like that. Thankyou for that.

Thankyou ygirl for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third in all this?! Its a skewed dynamic you are talking about. It would be better to find a blow up doll. Its essentially a "unicorn" you are looking for. As I agree, this would be a threesome.
I would suggest girlfriend not involve you at all at first and see where it all goes. Its her thing after all and it bugs me that she is being rather bossy and selfish about it. I get that she is putting out their her needs, but why should you be around for that?
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  #15  
Old 11-24-2009, 09:19 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thankyou ygirl for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third in all this?!
I was going to say something about that, but that's a bell I ring pretty often so I thought I'd take a break, lest too many eyes roll.
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  #16  
Old 11-24-2009, 09:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi Christian,

I am fairly new to poly, and I am bisexual. So is my primary, who is a woman. We allow each other leeway to seek out lovers of any gender (M, F, trans, queer). It would never occur to me to ask her to be present w me and one of my lovers (all of whom presently are male), to look but not touch. I mean we are open to a 3way should it happen, but it's not a requirement.

Why does she "need" your presence when she's sexing someone else?

Wouldnt it be fun enough for her, just with this hypothetical lover, one on one?

On the surface, it looks like she loves you so much, she wants you there to enhance it, or it wouldnt be fun for her. But, otoh, I am getting a D/s vibe from that. Do you know much abt BDSM? It seems like it's a turn on to her to limit your participation to watching only. Could be a form of sexual torture.

Do you feel that power dynamic in your relationship presently at all?

And the "only after marriage" thing seems a bit unusual, fetishistic. Almost ritualistic.
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  #17  
Old 11-24-2009, 10:08 PM
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Magdlyn, thank you for pointing out some other things. To answer your question, no i dont presently see much BDSM..but nor do i know a whole lot about it.

As for the requirement of me being there, i dont know why for sure, but she says it has alot to do with fidelity. As in, she feels its not "cheating" if I am there (as in at least at home)

Is this a form of "polyamory"? Or is this something else? Does anybody see this as a future train wreck or would this be a relatively safe thing to do?

By the way, thank you to everyone who has added to this conversation.
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  #18  
Old 11-24-2009, 10:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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The thing about D/s is that the submissive partner freely gives up control to the Dominant partner and gets "off" in the process of doing so. D/s is NOT about the D bullying or blackmailing the s into giving up control. Also, the D takes the responsibility of PLEASING the s within such a dynamic. Kinkiness is supposed to be FUN for everyone involved. It is NOT a healthy way to express a fundamental imbalance of power in a relationship, nor is it a way for the D to work out their issues with control or insecurity using other people as a therapeutic device.

If you are a Dominant or submissive type of personality in everyday situations and need to step outside yourself for a mental vacation, but your life-partner (or bf, gf, husband, wife, whatever) is JUST NOT INTO THAT (in other words, they are "vanilla"), there are people out there who do BDSM professionally for a fee. But this is NOT something that works if one person is into it and the other(s) are not.
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  #19  
Old 11-24-2009, 10:18 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Christian View Post
Is this a form of "polyamory"? Or is this something else? )
I'll go out on a limb and say "no" this is not poly. She said it was about sex and not about loving...Poly "amory"

If it's all about sex it belongs somewhere else. Not a judgement, just recognizing that poly does have something to do with caring about the person you are with and not just fucking them. Although there is a wide interpretation of what "caring for them" means.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-24-2009 at 10:23 PM.
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  #20  
Old 11-25-2009, 12:22 AM
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You're getting lots of good questions from the group but I have one thing to add-

If I were you,

I would work out these things waay before getting married.

Especially since you both seem to be so unsure of where your sexual lives are taking you, I'd think making sure you're sexually compatible beforehand is a must.

Ok, one more thing about marriage. When I got married, it certainly wasn't at the "ideal" time in my life, and I certainly didn't have everything worked out and prob never will, but something is sticking in my craw..

Your gf has never been with a man +
she is pushing you to marry +
once you are married, she will want to have sex with women again but not before +
she doesn't want you involved but wants you in the room, her husband, approving but not actively participating in her FF encounter
=?

Is it possible that she has chosen you, the first man she has slept with, to marry her so you can help her justify her sexuality to herself?

I could be way off,- I'm no good at math.
-R
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