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  #11  
Old 03-21-2012, 09:31 PM
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To be clear, I wasn't criticizing your relationship. At all! Your story just made me think of how sad it can be sometimes to love someone so completely and the parameters of the relationship still has its difficulties. I don't think we should keep our feelings at bay. On the contrary, I think we should let our feelings soar.

But then, when we realize we have these deep feelings, like loving someone, we attach meaning to that. We then think our behavior and the behavior of those we love must change because of those feelings. Even though things were working fine just the way it was, before we realized we were in love. And sometimes the other aspects of human relationships are very painful or unworkable, no matter how much we love someone.

That is what I meant by "overrated." I wasn't pinpointing you and your relationship, specifically, but was thinking in general after reading so many people's stories and knowing my own. Love is not enough for a relationship to be satisfying and bring us happiness. It takes so much more. How many people try to make certain situations work "because I love him" and yet there is always the possibility that it might never work, or that it was working already but now love puts a layer of added expectation over everything. It's a sort of sobering and yet freeing realization for me. But maybe I'm not making any sense to you, so I will stop hijacking your thread now. I wish I could be of more help.
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2012, 09:34 PM
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nycindie, I know that you weren't. I understand where you are coming from.

I really do like all of your comments. I get value out of every single one of them.

Hijack away! I love to hear what you have to say!!
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2012, 10:46 PM
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"He does get quite melancholy, depressed, jealous if he gets any impression that I just might be thinking about doing that. He says that he dreads the day that that happens and he loses the woman that he is in love with, me."

Considering that he loves two women, why would he assume that if you became involved with another man that it would mean he would be losing you? It makes me think that maybe he hasn't really accepted the idea of loving more than one person, and that it's only ok for him because of this special circumstance, his wife's lack of sexuality. And I can definitely see how that would make you scared.

It's not ok to be in a position where you feel like you are a very important person to him and a priority up until the second he gets her back and then who knows. You deserve better than that. I wonder if you can gently explain these things to him, maybe show him this thread, and explain that for your emotional health you have two choices at this point:
a) he tells her he loves you just as much as her and that it's not a competition and he wants to treat both of you equally, which means you stay a big part of his life even if/when she gets her libido back... I can see why he would be scared of pushing her away by saying this, but it's not fair to anyone to carry on ignoring the fact of your love and the possibility of her recovery, or
b) you continue to love him and be involved with him but actively seek out another love or loves so that you're not solely reliant in your emotional life on someone you can't count on.

Maybe that idea is too scary or maybe you don't really need it. But just remember, it's ok to be "difficult" sometimes if you're doing what's necessary for your heart. Better that you guys work this stuff out than that you suffer in silence to the point that you have to leave because it's too hard.
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  #14  
Old 03-22-2012, 12:19 AM
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Newtoday,
I was inspired to respond to you post.

"Those who matter won't mind; those who mind won't matter."

My wife and I are in a very similar situation where we are the "secret" we support, we are there all the time. When she needs a break to sort things out, to plan to focus for months we were understanding. It was not like we wanted to announce to the world our love and adoration however in a recent conversation, I said " I dont know one of your friends. You know my closest one, you have helped take down the Christmas light in front of our house. Our neighbors know your name. Our kids do not know you, but they know we talk to you every night, and are the topic of many conversations." That imbalance says to me. You do not validate our relationship in the way we want. We have a choice. Stay on the hamster wheel, or step off. At least this time. I am happy my children did not get to meet them to realize the disappointment of someone stepping in and stepping out for what ever reason.

There is much more to the story, I always shy away from telling the complete picture or offering only one side, for in this life, there are so many views, so many delicate intricacies of so many peoples lives in this it is only one view.. that one view however is my own.

- K
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  #15  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:00 AM
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Hi Annabel,

He feels as if he will lose me because he assumes that even though polyamory is common, it is not the norm and because I am solo, that i would want someone of my own full time. And that means the person I choose might not be okay with me continuing to see him or that I simply won't have time for him anymore. Either way, he likes to have me to himself. I know, it is a double standard. He says I deserve to be with someone full time. Makes me question his supposed belief system in poly as well. I never thought of it that way until now.

I am going to have that conversation with him this weekend about why he hasnt told his SO about the true depth of his feelings for me and why that scares me. As well, I am going to express my discontent that he apparently lives us both yet I am only entitled to one visit per week. I can make do with that sometimes but not always. This week, for example, I am struggling, and asked to see him tonight but he refused as he will already be away from her 2 nights this week when he works night shift , and is seeing me on Saturday. It hurt my feelings. Obviously it's not so equal. 1 night versus 6, you can see where it can get competitive and resentful.

What it also does is put me in a bad position. I only see him once a week and I want that visit to be great! How can we talk about the heavy stuff and work that out without ruining our one good night? Ugh

Maybe I should try to put myself back out there and see who I find. This obviously isn't working for me lately. I feel kinda ripped off.
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  #16  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:08 AM
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Hi B,

Thanks for your feedback. It's interesting to hear of this from the other side.

As the "secondary", I feel excluded from their lives quite often. They don't want the world to know and their reasons are valid, so I respect that. But it does suck sometimes. I have asked him if he struggles with it, keeping someone he loves a secret from the world. Wouldn't he wish I too was there beside him, meeting his friends, sharing in the fun? He says he dies. It's hard.

In your situation, maybe it's her way of guarding her heart. The way I wish I'd guarded mine sometimes. When you're solo and on the outside looking in and the couple that you are involved with, despite what anyone says, at times it's a very scary, lonely place.
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  #17  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:32 AM
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Poly isn't the norm, but there are also plenty of awesome people practicing it. There's no reason you can't seek out someone who can give you more time and focus, maybe even a full-time "primary", who would also be ok with your married bf. You CAN have your cake and eat it too! It's just harder and it might take longer to find the right fit.
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  #18  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:16 AM
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Annabel, I know that you are right. Honestly I struggle with trying to feel for more than one person at once. It's not that I can't, I do understand that people can. It's just that my tome is soooooooo limited between my kids and career, my life, that I don't have the energy or time to devote to getting to know another man. What free time I have, is either late at night as my kids sleep or every other weekend when they are with their father, and then I'm with my guy. And honestly, he is the only one I am interested in being with.

I have often thought of seeking others but the thought is exhausting to me. I have dated every form of loser you can think of, my guy is a diamond in the rough, I just want him. That doesn't mean I don't want to share him, just maybe a little more frequent for me. .
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  #19  
Old 03-22-2012, 08:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
To be clear, I wasn't criticizing your relationship. At all! Your story just made me think of how sad it can be sometimes to love someone so completely and the parameters of the relationship still has its difficulties. I don't think we should keep our feelings at bay. On the contrary, I think we should let our feelings soar.

But then, when we realize we have these deep feelings, like loving someone, we attach meaning to that. We then think our behavior and the behavior of those we love must change because of those feelings. Even though things were working fine just the way it was, before we realized we were in love. And sometimes the other aspects of human relationships are very painful or unworkable, no matter how much we love someone.

That is what I meant by "overrated." I wasn't pinpointing you and your relationship, specifically, but was thinking in general after reading so many people's stories and knowing my own. Love is not enough for a relationship to be satisfying and bring us happiness. It takes so much more. How many people try to make certain situations work "because I love him" and yet there is always the possibility that it might never work, or that it was working already but now love puts a layer of added expectation over everything. It's a sort of sobering and yet freeing realization for me. But maybe I'm not making any sense to you, so I will stop hijacking your thread now. I wish I could be of more help.
Good points Cindie.

I was never of the belief that love was enough for a relationship, which is why I had to end my last one. Learning about poly too, has allowed me to feel more free in acknowledging the feelings that I do have for others, but I don't feel forced into attaching a final destination. I just enjoy the feeling of being, of loving them and feeling loved by them too, even if certain things remain unspoken and 'taboo'.

Sorry for the continued hijack new! lol.
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