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  #21  
Old 03-21-2012, 07:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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This perception of status .....being "the other woman" does that extend beyond the inside of your head? Being treated that way or sneaky around in the shadows may influence or fuel this competitive stuff.
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  #22  
Old 03-21-2012, 08:25 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Hi Papergrace. Yes, we have been focusing on other things. It's probably why we have lasted as long as we have. Sex is sex and although wonderful, it's not sustainable to carry a relationship based on that aspect alone. We do have a wonderful time together, share many interests, laugh and love alot. It's just hard to have faith in that when we only spend one evening/overnight together a week.

Actually, I did tell him this morning that I do need some reaffirmation in between our time together and he says he will try. And I know he will. He does love me.

And no...there doesn't have to be just One. I'm okay with two, just fear sometimes that his SO might think otherwise at some point.
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  #23  
Old 03-21-2012, 08:30 PM
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Dingedheart - yes and no. I initially wrote that thread several months ago. Since then, some things have changed, we have communicated more and resolved quite a bit.

He doesn't treat me that way, no. But I am a secret from the majority of those that they socialize with. His parents and brother know about me, as do some close friends, but I am excluded from alot because of our secret. His reasons are valid, fear of judgement of all 3 of us, him for "cheating" on his sick spouse, her for being too weak minded to put a stop to it and me as a "homewrecker" piece of trash..... We know that none of these things are true but others are not always so understanding and accepting.

So, yes, when I'm excluded, it does extend outside my head.

Doesn't help either when he tells me that quite often he would rather just be with me and his family supports that. They just want him to be happy and he wasn't happy for a very long time until we met.
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  #24  
Old 03-21-2012, 08:52 PM
nicraq nicraq is offline
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Thanks Newtoday,

Personally I think you need to check out your 'status' with him; would he value/defend/sustain your relationship if his wife does open sexually with him again. I'm not suggesting he wouldn't but I think you are wise to be unsure, and quite possibly he/you won't know until it actually happens. I suppose really I'd just advise you to be aware of the possibility and that you could find yourself frozen out. A lot depends on the strength of both your emotional tie with him and their commitment as a couple to polyamorous principles (as opposed to expediency)

"Several years later... she flinches if he tries to touch her." There are obviously powerful unresolved issues, pain and frustration going on between them as well as a powerful connection.

On the theoretical level I do think it's unrealistic to see sexual love as beyond jealousy or competition. That smacks of 60's luv'n'peace naievity. All of us, mono poly or whatever, have the contradictions of both love and hate in our make up. We want: to belong and be separate; to possess and be free; to be secure and dangerous. It will serve us to recognize and accept these contradictions, in ourselves and our loved ones. Sexuality can be wild and ruthless. That's what makes it exciting! And what makes it fraught with emotional dangers!

Talk to him, talk to his wife, talk to your friends. Recognize that any and all of you could be hurt or could hurt each other and, ideally, create a respectful friendship that will transcend it. And enjoy it all!!! X
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  #25  
Old 03-21-2012, 09:05 PM
nicraq nicraq is offline
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P.S. I don't feel as confident/expert as I might sound! just read your last posts and it sounds like you're doing great-good luck
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  #26  
Old 03-21-2012, 09:21 PM
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Nicraq, believe me, he and I have been around this topic more than once.

He assures me that if they did manage to get that part of their relationship back, it wouldn't change what he and I have. He assures me that they started down this path while they still had an active physical relationship, but 3 years ago, that stopped. He continued without her, but with her blessing.

The great thing about our relationship is that he does encourage me to tell him if something is upsetting or bothering me, and he will and DOES help me work through it. We can talk about anything... unless it's her passive-agressiveness towards me, that's off limits, he gets too defensive. In his eyes, she's perfect, sick, sweet, angelic, do no wrong. I won't make him defend that even though I know that nobody is that perfect.

Thank you for your thoughts!! I really valued your input!
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  #27  
Old 03-22-2012, 12:10 AM
nicraq nicraq is offline
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Speaking as a man it sounds like you have a great thing going, and I get his 'compartmentalising' (i.e. together once a week and not much communication between/ keeping her passive aggression off limits) not sure whether it's 'healthy' but very understandable and if you're ok with it then I'd leave well alone!

Back to your original question; yes you are vulnerable but my guess is that he really deeply appreciates what he has uniquely with you and that won't be lost if he gets back the sex life he wants with his wife (it is only my guess though). As to your feelings of jealousy I do think, ultimately, they are something you'd have to deal with carefully and respectfully of their relationship (hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic?)
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  #28  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:09 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Nicraq, I agree. We do have a good thing. But he does want me to tell him when I'm confused, troubled, rather than bottle it up inside. So I will, carefully.

I would never put him in a position to defend her, I will always be respectful. I just hope that she offers me the same courtesy. And if not, that he is just as defensive of me. He does love me, of that I am sure.

You dont sound unsympathetic at all, just honest and I appreciate it alot!
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  #29  
Old 03-22-2012, 01:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Not sure how being the secret other woman can be viewed as a "good thing going" for both parties. For him it's great. He gets to have his full time relationship with his wife....doesn't have to feel the guilt and shame of dumping her once she got sick. Maybe the nurse/caregiver role helped him and his wife with any guilt he might of had in starting such relationships. In the beginning it was biological needs being satisfied. He got 75-90% of his relationship needs met from wife and got the 10-25% physical/sex piece from others. Now that love has entered the picture all those numbers have shifted and the lines have gotten blurred a little but there's still a split.

Conversely, newtoday, has once a week face time interactions and limited intra week contact....and other women secret status with friends and relatives. Seems unbalanced to me. What's the % missing for her 40-70%??? 10-15%???


Everyone in this is really mono and is participating in poly by forced circumstance.
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  #30  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:30 PM
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Dingedheart, thank you for being my advocate here. What you stated do reflect my frustrations.

It is very unbalanced, which he does acknowledge.

Reading other threads on here, there is such a wide variation in the amount of time that people spend with the "secondaries". Some are long distance, others have busy lives, I don't know what's the norm. Really, there is no norm as long as both feel fulfilled in their needs.

Most of the time, once a week is not enough for me. Considering they live just 20 minutes away, I don't understand why he won't make more time.

I'm seeing him this weekend, I'm going to approach the subject again. I can't bottle it all inside, or I will end up leaving because it's too hard to sustain.


I am new to poly. And am very open to sharing him with his SO. I have been since day 1. I, too, agree that not all your needs can be met by one person. I tried that for many years with the same man. It didn't work. They opened their relationship before she got ill, when their intimacy pretty much died. She got sick a couple of years later. He would definitely feel guilt and shame if he left her, yes, but they started down this path long before she got ill. I just don't know that she was expecting him to fall in love, despite the fact that she (supposedly) believes in Poly. Given that, and her illness, could be the reason for this newfound passive-aggressiveness. I'm stubborn though, and keep trying to make this work for all of us.

Last edited by newtoday; 03-22-2012 at 03:36 PM. Reason: Hit Done too fast!
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