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Old 03-19-2012, 09:26 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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Default Deep in his heart am I loved less?

I have been a polyamorous "marriage" for lack of a better term with a man and his wife for nearly five years. He has been legally married to her for 13 years and has children with her. We get along like a big loving family and in general things get along swimmingly. While she is the alpha female (and this is fine by me, it is not my personality anyway) the idea is that we are both equally important and have our roles and are loved equally. In my insecure moments when I question him he says thatt he loves us equally but differently-which is fine. He also states that while she would never do so if she said that she no longer wanted me around that he would never leave me (although I question the validity of this as she has the trump card of having children with him). Sometimes, however in my heart I believe that he loves me less and that he goes out of his way to make her feel special, loved, and appreciated in ways that are almost imperceptable but there nonetheless. I fear that perhaps I'm being sensitive and paranoid but I'd appreciate your insight. What are the small telltale signs that one partner is not truly loved and needed as much as the other? Please, please give me your thoughts. I need them. Thank you.
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30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

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Old 03-19-2012, 12:23 PM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
. Sometimes, however in my heart I believe that he loves me less and that he goes out of his way to make her feel special, loved, and appreciated in ways that are almost imperceptable but there nonetheless. I fear that perhaps I'm being sensitive and paranoid but I'd appreciate your insight. What are the small telltale signs that one partner is not truly loved and needed as much as the other? Please, please give me your thoughts. I need them. Thank you.
You've asked him.. He's given you an answer. You are questioning the answer because you feel their relationship, and the children are binding them together. HE gave you an answer and you don't believe it. You'd rather spend time worrying about tiny ways that he says he loves her.

"almost imperceptible"? So he glances at her? He touches her briefly?

I can imagine it is hard for both women in this relationship. "Who do you love more?" will just make you jealous of their relationship.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Enjoy what you have. Love. He's trying to give you reassurance... in your insecure moments... and you're making a big deal out of it. IF he said he loved you exactly the same, you'd know he was lying (as I did when my mother said the same thing about me and my sister).

Work on your confidence. You're making huge assumptions about little things.. he looked at her a certain way.. (maybe he was checking for spinach between her teeth...)

It sounds like you've got a wonderful relationship.. things are going well.. now enjoy it. Don't over-think it.
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If there are things you'd like him to do to let you know you are loved as much, tell him. Maybe he just knows what she needs because she is so familiar to him. He might not realize that you're feeling like you get less from him than she does.

Are you familiar with the book, "Five Love Languages?" Here, you can take an assessment test to see what "language" you need to receive indications of someone's love. The choices are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:56 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Men are generally more straight forward about this sort of thing than women; so when he gives you an answer; believe it.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:43 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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You will always notice little differences if you are looking for them, and you will never be able to know what they mean. Rather than compare, ask if there is anything he's not doing for you that would make you feel more loved/secure. I know I'm not answering your question, but there is truly no way to answer it as every relationship and every love is different.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
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Old 03-21-2012, 05:24 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Wow, do I wish I had the answer to that!

I don't know what your living situation is with them, but speaking from my own experience, when you are not living with them, it can be very easy to feel slighted, excluded, insecure at times.

All I can say is that every piece of advice given to your thread is absolutely right, have faith in what he tells you, express your feelings to him, and try try try to not doubt in something you already know, he DOES love you. But those insecurities will happen, take a deep breath, and try not to react. Write your thoughts in a journal, chances are, they will pass. Until the next time...
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