Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-20-2012, 07:50 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Detroit Metro, MI
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
This. And the strength of her reaction say to me that perhaps she's had these thoughts and/or feelings and rejected them. Perhaps it's too close to home and that's why she's mad.
Often the things that bring out the most emotion in us in regards to those we love is the things that we dislike about ourselves. If she has been feeling true guilt, self-hatred, anything like that for "daring to love someone else, especially a woman" and having an "emotional affair" (I hate that phrase) then you bringing up to her the idea that you've been feeling these things to and it shouldn't be a bad thing may anger her more. It may make her feel like "I've done the "right thing" here in fighting this, why can't he do the same?" I disagree, I don't think either of you should have to fight it, but I can see that being her thought process.

When you brought it up, did you happen to focus on how happy you'd be if she felt the same way about said friend? She may be afraid that you love said friend but wouldn't be super happy about her doing so as well. I think it may (potentially) be easier if she realized that what you're thinking is more a triangle (triad) not a V with you in the middle emotionally. Acknowledging that HER feelings about your friend are at least as important and exciting as your own may go a long way if you can do so without it seeming like you're pushing the issue. Also, you may have to take into account her upbringing, her religious beliefs, and her general thoughts about homosexuality, because those could flavor her own guilt and reactions about her feelings for your friend.
__________________
Me: 30ish bi Female S: mid 20s bi MtF transsexual (presurgery)
Our Kids: D 8 yrs, boy (Mine only from prior relationship); T 2 yrs, boy; A under 1, boy

Living and Developing a relationship with L: 30ish bi Female and her husband B: mid 20s bi Male
Their Kids: Little L 3 yrs, boy, R nearly 2yrs, girl, Due November 2012

Favorite Poly thought (if you recognize help me find the source): Jealousy is not a disease, it is a symptom. To "cure" it you must identify the disease.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:06 PM
WalkingTheBlue WalkingTheBlue is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default

The more I look back, the more that I realize my wife and her friend love each other in a romantic sense. I think my wife has suppressed these feelings instead of dealing with them because of the complicated nature of them. When I forced to confront those feelings she reacted pretty much in the same way as the girl/guy from NovemberRain's story.

We've all felt comfortable saying that we love each other, even if it was said in more of a friendship sort of way. I think if my wife is willing openly discuss the issue, and take an honest look inside her own heart that this is something we could have together. I haven't spoken to our friend yet, I don't plan to for now. I'm not sure if my wife has told her about all of this yet (we all work at the same place five days a week).

My wife is talking to me again today. It felt like a lot of the tension has lifted, although there is still a noticeable emotional distance there. I asked her of we could talk tonight, and she said that we could. I think my next move would be to ask her why she feels so against it. All she has said to me is that she has to be the only one, there can be no one else. I want to ask her what she is afraid of. What she thinks will change between us. What needs she has that she feels won't be met. She might find that she doesn't have any real answers to those questions.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:16 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,414
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue View Post
We've all felt comfortable saying that we love each other, even if it was said in more of a friendship sort of way. I think if my wife is willing openly discuss the issue, and take an honest look inside her own heart that this is something we could have together. I haven't spoken to our friend yet, I don't plan to for now. I'm not sure if my wife has told her about all of this yet (we all work at the same place five days a week).

My wife is talking to me again today. It felt like a lot of the tension has lifted, although there is still a noticeable emotional distance there. I asked her of we could talk tonight, and she said that we could.
Why is the girlfriend being left out of the loop?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:23 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why is the girlfriend being left out of the loop?
Interesting question.

I would say they should definitely talk to her before coming up with a vision of how to move forward, but for just figuring out between the two of them if there's even a possibility that they can open their marriage to emotional engagement with someone else (well, to acknowledged emotional engagement, since it seems like it certainly existed before just unacknowledged) without destroying it, it probably makes sense to talk just the two of them first. That said, if they're going to see her soon they should probably acknowledge that they're working through some things so she's not like "Why are things so tense, did I do something wrong??"
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:23 PM
WalkingTheBlue WalkingTheBlue is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default

I want to talk to her. I really miss her and it kills me not to be able to bring her in on the discussion. I would love let her now and get her input on everything. Unless my wife softens on her position I don't think that I should go to her and tell her how I feel. If we get to that point, we should probably all discuss it together for the first time. As long as wife is still upset about this, talking to our friend without her consent will send her over the edge.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:53 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

It really makes me wonder how differently this might have gone down if, instead of you broaching the topic, your friend had taken your wife aside and said "I think I'm falling for you." Something to discuss, I suppose.

Of course the problem with the fact that your wife may have feelings for your friend is that if your friend has deep feelings for you but only sees your wife as a friend, your wife might feel doubly betrayed and jealous... but again, no way forward except through discussion...
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 03-21-2012, 01:25 AM
OkNewbs's Avatar
OkNewbs OkNewbs is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 59
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue View Post
All she has said to me is that she has to be the only one, there can be no one else. I want to ask her what she is afraid of. What she thinks will change between us. What needs she has that she feels won't be met. She might find that she doesn't have any real answers to those questions.
Just a thought: My husband is fine with me with a woman, but not a man. At least for now. His fear is that a man is "true" competition. A woman has obvious attributes that my husband just cannot bring to the table. So it's different. She may be insecure & feel that (as I did at first) the friend will be "better" somehow than she is & she'll lose you.
__________________
Steph: Wife, Bisexual, 24 year old mom to 1
Patrick: Husband, Straight, 23 year old dad to 1


Currently exploring Poly together, our latest adventure.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 03-22-2012, 04:03 AM
WalkingTheBlue WalkingTheBlue is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, me and my wife have actually been talking a lot lately. As it turns out she talked to our friend about what happened. The friend was as pissed off and upset about it as my wife was. I had apparently misjudged their friendship a great deal.

I talked to our friend today, and she basically told me that she is glad to have me as a friend, but my feelings for her could never be returned. She wasn't mad about it though, she was quite compassionate and understanding towards me. She said that she knows that I cant help the way i feel. I told her that I hope the three of us can go back to being friends again, and she said she would like that. I loved her as a friend first, and now that I have some measure of closure on it I know that those feelings can go back to the way they were.

My wife and I have been really open with each other and have achieved a level of honesty we've never had before. We've always been honest with each other, but she was able to finally tell me something she had kept inside for years. It wasn't anything related to the original matter, but it gave her the courage to say it. If nothing else, some good has come out of this for us.

I have decided that even though I am inclined for the poly lifestyle, I can be perfectly happy with my wife in our monogomous marriage. She has decided that she can't live that kind of way, and I don't want to be without her.

She has also been more open to learning about polyamory. She's still not comfortable with the idea of trying it out, but she's growing more comfortable with understanding the way I feel. She even asked if she could read this thread (which I let her, of course). All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about us right now.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 03-22-2012, 04:39 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,239
Default

Wow! It just goes to show that you can go way far in your own imaginings when you're seeing what you want to see and don't know the real score.

Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear that it sounds like things are going to be ok all around, and that you and your wife are walking the path of honesty together. You overcame your fear of disclosure, and she overcame her fear of hearing you.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-05-2012, 10:34 PM
WalkingTheBlue WalkingTheBlue is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default

Ok, so it's been a while. Things have been pretty quiet until the past couple of days. Over the weekend my wife told me that our friend (for simplicity's sake I'm just going to refer to her as K) felt uncomfortable around me and actually asked her if she would mind if didn't attend a party that K will be throwing in the near future. Of course I was heartbroken that one of my best friends didn't want me around anymore and I decided to write her a letter.

My letter basically stated that I understood why she felt awkward and I didn't begrudge her for it. That I didn't want to come between the friendship of my wife and K, but I also felt like I was losing a true and dear friend. I left the letter in her locker at work yesterday morning. About an hour afterward she knocked on my window and told me to call her, she seemed upset. I was kind of confused because I wrote that letter to put some closure on the subject. I called her and she told me that it wasn't that she didn't want me around, but that she was keeping her distance from me for my wife's sake. She said that I was very important to her and that she cared about me very much, and that there were things she wanted to say but wasn't sure that she should. She said that we should talk, I told her I would call her when we were out of work last night.

So, I called her and we talked for a while. It turns out that she has felt the exact same way about a poly amorous relationship between the three of us for some time, before I even brought it up. That she loves us both and she's never felt more comfortable around two people in all her life. She never thought she would end up feeling this way about two people at the same time, especially one of them being a woman. We told each other that we missed eachother and we both wish things could be simpler. That we could all just be.

She told me that she wasn't going to tell my wife about the letter, she thinks it will just make things harder for her. She told my wife what she said because she was reacting to her reaction, saying what she felt she should say to ease my wife's pain. It's not something we're ready to tell her yet. My wife just isnt ready to hear it. She's going to keep being my wife's best friend, and we're going to keep our distance from eachother for a while. We're going to try to play it cool. Easier said than done.

So now I know how K really feels, but I can't say anything. It's not my place to say how she feels. I hope that someday we can all be in a place where she feels like she can let the truth be known. Maybe if my wife knows how she really feels, and that it's not just about me or anything she might be open to the idea. I have hope now, but it keeps gnawing at me because I have to keep it inside.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
triad, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:44 AM.