Polys not jealous?

[onoma]

Originally Posted by redpepper

If I was not jealous then I would question how much they mean to me. I would question how much I mean to them if they were not jealous sometimes too.

I got into a fight with my girlfriend a few weeks ago because after a dream she brought up the poly thing, and I said I wouldn't be jealous if she slept with someone else but would be upset that she did so when I'm not allowed. She got upset that I wouldn't be jealous, and I really didn't understand... and still don't.

I think on a fundamental level I don't understand jealousy the way most people do. To me it's just a negative emotion...

I would never think I didn't care about someone just because I wasn't jealous. I think I'd only be jealous if I couldn't "partake," as it were. I judge how much I care about someone based on what I feel like doing for them. I find myself doing more for her than I would for myself, and giving up time with friends or other things I enjoy. What should her spending an hour with someone else matter?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by onoma

I think I'd only be jealous if I couldn't "partake," as it were.

That sounds more like envy than jealousy.

I'm not a terribly jealous person either. I will feel a twinge of it but I can fairly easily analyze it and get myself out of it. I would never consider jealousy a gauge for measuring how much I care. Jealousy is connected to insecurity. Caring is connected to love. One does not necessarily correlate with nor corroborate the other.

[redpepper]

I don't think jealousy is negative at all. I don't think its an emotion either. In my experience its a cluster of emotions.

(Besides that I don't think any emotion is bad. All of them are useful and tell a story of us. As I don't think anyone is bad either, I don't think their emotions are as well)

People seem to deal with their jealousy as they do snakes, spiders, rats and other creature they might find scary. People fear jealousy sometimes. Snakes aren't negative to me and neither is jealousy negative. The fear of it needs to be over come maybe, but they aren't negative. If someone were to feel jealous that I was spending time with someone else then I would think, "oh, they are needing to face their fears. How can I help them with that? How can I help ease that fear for them?" I wouldn't see it as negative, just part of their journey with poly and life in general.

[noob]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Jealousy is connected to insecurity. Caring is connected to love. One does not necessarily correlate with nor corroborate the other.

Yeah, not necessarily, but for some people insecurity is a mainstay of attachment (namely, people with insecure attachment styles). For me, attaching to someone is fraught with insecurity and anxiety at fear of losing them. Deep caring (which comes out of attachment) is therefore fraught with insecurity. And, because I agree that jealousy is based in insecurity, jealousy is just going to come up for me--if I care about someone. If you're a securely attached type of individual, then I'd imagine anxiety and insecurity do not attend your feelings of falling and being in love to the same extent. Unfortunately, although attachment style can be learned about and considered, I don't think it really changes in the span of a lifetime. Maybe someone can prove me wrong, though. I'd like to be wrong.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by noob

...for some people insecurity is a mainstay of attachment (namely, people with insecure attachment styles). For me, attaching to someone is fraught with insecurity and anxiety at fear of losing them.

Sure, of course. I think that attachment in adult relationships is always rooted in insecurity, so isn't it better to love and care for people without attachment? Isn't attachment usually evidence of codependency? Attaching oneself to another is usually fueled by expectations and unrealistic hopes.

It is quite different from the kind of attachment babies undergo with parents.

Originally Posted by noob

Deep caring (which comes out of attachment) is therefore fraught with insecurity.

I disagree that deep caring comes from attachment. To me, deep caring develops as you get to know someone well, and comes from love, or a loving place inside us. And love is not the same as attachment.

Originally Posted by noob

And, because I agree that jealousy is based in insecurity, jealousy is just going to come up for me--if I care about someone. If you're a securely attached type of individual, then I'd imagine anxiety and insecurity do not attend your feelings of falling and being in love to the same extent.

What does "securely attached" mean? It seems to me that it is just an illusion to feel any security in attachment to another person. I read "securely attached" as clingy, possessive, and dependent. Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you mean by it, but I think jealousy probably thrives in attachment. I strive to free myself from attachments in order to love as fully and deeply as I can. If I feel myself getting attached to someone, I realize I have some self-examination and inner work to do to get free of that. To me, love and caring is imprisoned by attachment, and getting free of attachment means love can grow in that freedom.

Originally Posted by noob

Unfortunately, although attachment style can be learned about and considered, I don't think it really changes in the span of a lifetime. Maybe someone can prove me wrong, though. I'd like to be wrong.

Well, there are lots of books, articles, and websites on attachment, and love without attachment, etc. I just Googled around and found a few goodies (short articles) that offer some food for thought.

http://high-road-artist.com/1124/an-...ut-attachment/

http://www.healingphilosophy.com/200...f-anthony.html

http://blog.self-improvement-saga.co...t-infatuation/

http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

Also, have you seen this thread? : Attachment in secondary 'ships

[mercury]

polys can be jealous.

I got involved with a guy whose girlfriend wanted a polyamorous lifestyle. She swears up and down that she is biologically polyamorous and can't just be with one person. I was the one who went into the relationship (with him, her boyfriend) with a monogamous mindset "giving polyamory a chance." In the end, she experienced more jealousy than I did. In fact, I wanted to hang out with her and be friends with her, but she couldn't deal with it and has essentially forbidden him to see me.

I think it's kind of backwards.

I don't think of it as jealousy so much as insecurity. She must think I'm going to displace her or something. I don't know. All I know is that I can handle knowing she's around. I think very highly of myself and think whatever I bring to the table for him, she can't provide. And whatever she brings to the table for him, I can't provide. No need to be jealous or worry about being displaced.

[nouryia]

Originally Posted by redpepper

When I am jealous its usually because there is some kind of change or adjustment to our dynamic because someone new is in our lives. I struggle with my partners trying to make space and time with others as it usually means its taken from me. I struggle with their gleeful NRE when we used to have that at some point. Only natural I think. I get threatened that their partner is a new shiny thing in my partners life and I am just that ol' faithful boring thing in their life. I get scared that really our relationship is over and I am not ready or feeling that way.

It's reassuring to know that feeling jealousy is 'okay', even as poly. Sometimes I think I'm not allowed to feel it (and feel ashamed when I do), or that I should strive to eliminate it completely. Well damnit, it doesn't work that way! I too will likely feel threatened if/when one of my partners starts to 'fall for' a new person. FWB situations/casual sex partners, I can usually handle. Sharing what I feel is my space and time in my partners' life to make room for another, as well as having to face the 'gleeful NRE' (as you put it) that will inevitably come with said new love, now that's going to be much harder to fathom and I hope I can find a way to work with it.

Originally Posted by feelyunicorn

I find polyamorists online (I`ve never met an example of the species IRL) are exceptionally educated about a couple things:

a) the ability to feel feelings (including jealousy);

b) the ability to know the difference between feeling something and acting;

c) the ability to take responsibility for their own feelings;

d) the ability to communicate their feelings;

e) the ability to create boundaries;

IMO, if you have experience in the above, jealousy is not a problem. It may rather be a blessing.

I think that working on developing C) and D) is going to be key for me. I'm working on learning to take ownership for MY jealousy (whenever it rears its ugly head) and find a way to talk about it in a non-confrontational way.

I tend to bottle negative feelings up (until I inevitably explode), plus I have a hell of a time expressing those feelings without being overly emotional. From past experiences, that has the effect of putting my partners on the defensive and isn't conducive to good communication. Jealousy is neither a mono thing or a poly thing, it's a human emotion. I'm trying to find ways to cope with it in a constructive manner...being poly will only give me more opportunities I s'pose

[Fayerweather]

I've always been a jealous/possessive person. Through polyamory, those feelings have not only decreased to be replaced by loving compassion and joy, but I've learned valuable lessons in how to deal with my jealousy. It's still here, still poking at me from time to time, but these days I handle it on my own in a healthy manner, or I clearly and responsibly communicate it to my partners.

Polyamory turned out to be the perfect thing to help me grow and heal the wounds I've carried for most of my life. It has changed me irrevocably and for that I am grateful.

[DarayTala]

I'm a polyamorous person in three relationships, one of which with my monogomous fiance. I've had poly relationships for almost all my life, and have dealt with feelings of both jealousy and envy, which were at times difficult and destructive, but lead to me learning a whole lot about myself. My monogomous fiance of almost five years has never been jealous of my involvement with other people. The only times he has been upset by my relationships with others is when someone who I or we were very close to for a long time turned around and wounded us deeply. Even then, he realizes that not every relationship is always rainbows and butterflies and that for myself the possible pain and heartbreak is worth it for the chance at loving and being loved in return.

A lot of people are constantly amazed at Andrew and how he doesn't seem phased by jealousy or envy, despite not having other partners of his own. Really, he loves seeing me happy, and knows that loving others brings me happiness. Time isn't an issue because I devote the time to him that he wants, and time I'm with another partner is time he can pursue interests we don't share or visit his friends. He also has formed friendships with some of my partners over the years and a lot of time is spent all together. He would no more get jealous of them then he would of me having close friends.

Personally, a lot of my own struggles with jealousy stem from past situations in which I was lied to, cheated on, or manipulated. I understand these and try and reign in the negative feelings when they come and reassure myself that my past is not my future. I also see envy as an indication that maybe I am missing something in my relationship, and a chance to improve my relationship with my partner without taking away from other relationships they are in.

Anyways, I think jealousy is sometimes natural, but also often a manifestation of insecurity, fear, or past betrayal. I also think that some people feel less jealousy then others, whether because they've been hurt less, are more secure in themselves and their emotions, or are just hardwired differently. Its no stranger then some people having a more fiery temper or being bubblier. The real defining factor is how you deal with it.

[smokymtngirl85]

Personally, I have been poly all my life.

That being said, I am an extremely jealous & possessive person. I am in a dual relationship and both of my guys are naturally monogamous (by choice, I don't force). But they handle their jealousies in order to allow me to be who I am as a person. It does make some things complicated sometimes but we work through it.