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  #161  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:21 PM
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bastet bastet is offline
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I "knew" at a pretty young age but had no reference points. It was all friends with benefits, relationships with out major commitments etc. It wasn't until two years ago that I began to do some serious self reflection and realized that being in a strictly monogamous relationship wasn't joyful. After exploring sex parties, swinging, casual threesomes, etc it became clear that there was a key element missing: Emotional connection.

And so here I am. Discovering self anew, finding joy in new possibilities and enjoying the renewed passion sparked in my long term relationship. It's been a long trip to identifying as a person who can love more than one, from a girl who did it without definition in her youth.
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  #162  
Old 05-04-2012, 10:33 AM
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Thank you for this post.
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  #163  
Old 05-05-2012, 04:02 AM
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FWIW, what sealed "being poly" for me wasn't my wanting to have other partners.

It was the total disconnect between the norm (a couple is inviolable) and what made sense to me (...but I would totally not get in the way! Just be extra! And cute! You could both love me if you wanted!).

That's not to say monogamy ever worked well for me as a lovestyle, or that I knew how to choose well. But I couldn't have figured this out if I hadn't also known that I'd be fine sharing a lover, not just being shared.
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  #164  
Old 05-06-2012, 02:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amnesiac View Post
... as soon as I start reaching the point where I have to start to commit to something, I get this feeling that I'm "locked in" and just feel anxious and suffocated and have this really insistent worry about making the wrong decision...
First, let me say I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to respond to this anyway.

Second, you're going to have to do some "inner work" with this, if you want to be free of it. You could do this inner work with a counselor or therapist or on your own, but don't avoid it.

I recommend mindfulness meditation practice as a very significant support for any "inner work" practice or therapy. Especially Buddhist-style mindfulness on the body and breath.
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  #165  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:11 PM
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nycindie - love the blog article you posted. thanks for that!

i second most of MorningTwilight's and lovefromgirl's feelings.
PLUS, my temperament and my work/passion as an artist leads me to want to spend as much time by myself as i do with a partner, lover, or friend. WITHOUT the presence of someone emotionally close to me - whether alone in my backyard or by myself at a table in a cafe/pub - thinking my own thoughts, letting ideas and inspiration come as they will, and just generally not having nothing drawing my attention elsewhere.

for me, commitment means being there for someone when they really need you.

my best friend/partner and my small network of close friends KNOW that if they're stuck on the side of the road, i'll drop whatever i'm doing and go help them with whatever needs to be done. bail them out of jail. they can sleep with their head on my lap all night or for two weeks straight if someone breaks their hearts and that's what they really need. and i know the same is true of them. to me, this is commitment.

also - it means you and your people giving each other the freedom to be who they truly are. no need to fake, no fear of judgment or condemnation.

friends, partners, lovers, kin...no difference to me where commitment is concerned.
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  #166  
Old 05-06-2012, 08:53 PM
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To answer the original question, I don't know.

I wound up in this situation I am in, which is married and dating a girl together with my wife, quite accidentally. I wasn't sure what to make of it, and in the process of looking for answers it seemed like the poly shoe was the one that fit. All I did was go with the flow and do what seemed right.
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  #167  
Old 05-06-2012, 10:05 PM
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The OP probably isn't with us anymore, and most people probably know this already, but I wanted to say it anyway (it keeps me distracted from what I should be doing, which is reason enough):

There's nothing bad about fearing commitment, or not wanting to commit to a partner, if that's what everyone's on board with.

Some reasons why people might not want to commit to romantic relationships, other than being afraid of commitment or being indecisive:
1) Youth. Not wanting to commit to a romantic partnership at the age of 25 doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
2) Been there, done that. If you just got out of a 20 year marriage, it's okay not to want to get into another right off the bat.
3) Relationship anarchy. You are allergic to labels and defining your relationships.
4) Sleeping around. Self-explanatory.
5) Aromanticism. Plenty of aro people want a relationship that's not romantic that involves commitment, but not everyone does.
6) You just don't want to.

Not wanting to commit to romantic partnerships is not the same thing as being damaged goods or leading people on or being afraid of feelings and of growing up. If you are kind enough to let people you bump into know that you have no plans to make this bumping a regular thing and don't expect them to commit to bumping into you, you are good to go a-bumping imho.
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  #168  
Old 05-06-2012, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
5) Aromanticism. Plenty of aro people want a relationship that's not romantic that involves commitment, but not everyone does.
Whew -- 'aromanticism'. Gonna have to google that. "Romantic/ism" has long seemed a little vague to me, anyway. I mean, if it's all about literally giving/receiving flowers, chocolates ... and sharing candle-lit dinners, I'm ony just a little "romantic". But if it's about deeply involving and committed relationships, I'm way more romantic than many (or maybe most)!

Anyway, I'm amazed that there are people using the self-designation "aromantic" and yet still "committed". Wow.

Hey, wait. Most close friendships are committed and yet not romantic. I wonder if people sometimes have "aromantic" friendships that include sex! Hmm.
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  #169  
Old 05-06-2012, 10:40 PM
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QUOTE: "Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships. What distinguishes romantic relationships from a non-romantic relationships can vary diversely, but often includes physical connection (holding hands, cuddling, etc.) and monogamous partnership.

[....]

People anywhere on the sexual spectrum (sexual, asexual, grey-A, etc.) may be aromantic."



from - http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index...itle=Aromantic

=============

Thus the term "aromantic" (as defined here) is too vague to mean anything in particular. Surely it does not come down to whether one enjoys holding hands!

And I say this in part because the provided definition allows for both "sexuals" and "asexuals" to be aromantic, or romantic. So "romantic" isn't defined by sexual interest or practice in any way--as here defined. Nor is it defined in any way, really. It isn't defined by interest level, commitment level, passion level, or any discernable anything. Hmm.
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Last edited by River; 05-06-2012 at 10:43 PM.
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  #170  
Old 05-06-2012, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
If you are kind enough to let people you bump into know that you have no plans to make this bumping a regular thing and don't expect them to commit to bumping into you, you are good to go a-bumping imho.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Plenty of aro people want a relationship that's not romantic that involves commitment....
What does it mean to have a commitment while also being clear that one does not intend -- or hope -- to "bump into" again?

Perhaps I'm simply responding to a typo?
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