Phy's story - As you like it

[Phy]

As I received this answer to something I wrote on BalckUnicorn's block and it didn't fit the general discussion there (no need for highjacking ) I will answere it here:

Originally Posted by Hannahfluke

I wonder if the difference is that you knew Lin for a while before deciding to give poly a go. A lot of people meet the new person and then move them in right away after only knowing them weeks or months. It seems like if you've been friends with someone for years that it will work better than if you barely know them.

Well this may have been a factor. What mainly helped us wasn't so much the friendship, as this had mainly only developed between Lin and me and Sward and Lin never interacted with each other besides me being present as well. What really helped were the years that went by during which we all 'kind of noticed without talking about it'. Lin knew that he was in love, I knew that I was in love two times, Sward knew that there was some kind of connection, but none of us made sure of what exactly he/she was dealing with there and all have had their time to adjust to the possibility and idea of some kind of alternative.

The idea had time to sink in. There haven't been any outside expectations or some kind of pressure applied to each individual to cope with a specific situation or feeling besides the basic ones. That's maybe why Sward was able to call Lin family, as he knew about him quite well and cared for him just because I had done so all the time already and therefore saw this special connection between us being established years before I told him about my feelings.

The other basic positive factor would be our personalities and their compatibility obviously. That part was a real simple but also amazing fit.

At least that is what I have come up with till now.

[Hannahfluke]

Originally Posted by Phy

As I received this answer to something I wrote on BalckUnicorn's block and it didn't fit the general discussion there (no need for highjacking ) I will answere it here:



Well this may have been a factor. What mainly helped us wasn't so much the friendship, as this had mainly only developed between Lin and me and Sward and Lin never interacted with each other besides me being present as well. What really helped were the years that went by during which we all 'kind of noticed without talking about it'. Lin knew that he was in love, I knew that I was in love two times, Sward knew that there was some kind of connection, but none of us made sure of what exactly he/she was dealing with there and all have had their time to adjust to the possibility and idea of some kind of alternative.

The idea had time to sink in. There haven't been any outside expectations or some kind of pressure applied to each individual to cope with a specific situation or feeling besides the basic ones. That's maybe why Sward was able to call Lin family, as he knew about him quite well and cared for him just because I had done so all the time already and therefore saw this special connection between us being established years before I told him about my feelings.

The other basic positive factor would be our personalities and their compatibility obviously. That part was a real simple but also amazing fit.

At least that is what I have come up with till now.

Sorry about highjacking BlackUnicorn's thread. I do agree that a lot of it had to do with your personalities and basic compatibility (and I think the fact that both of your guys are fairly laid back). But I do think that you laid a lot of groundwork in those years that you hadn't acknowledged that you loved Lin to anyone else. That is incredibly different than the people who move others in after only knowing them a very short time. I understand that impulse also (I'd love to have my boyfriend live with my husband and I, but we've only known each other 5 months and it'd be a really bad idea) but I don't think it's particularly wise to give into it.

[Phy]

Time for another update. First of all, I hope things keep on progressing in your case with time, Hannah, and that you are able to gain what you wish for right now. As it is a wonderful situation to be in from my point of view But you are right, everything at the proper time.

Secondly, our current situation. Things are getting busy with the preparations for the wedding of my sister. We have been shopping to find a dress two weeks ago, she picked one that makes her look elegant, sexy and simply gorgeous. Last week we went shopping again, to find shoes, accessories, a suit for my soon to be brother in law, tie, shirt and so on.

Lin accompanied us, as he was looking for a new pair of trousers. When he saw what preparations were made and how everyone was so exited about what to wear and such, he noticed that he needed a new suit as well. His family is more of the casual kind, meaning it was ok to go to such events with jeans and a jacket. Not in our case; therefore we will go shopping next month for Lin and Sward, as I found a dress as well and they need shirts and ties that match the color of my dress.

When we started talking about who should wear the tie, who the west in the respective color of the dress, my sister glanced at us with a little wondrous look, but she didn't say a thing. Everyone in my family knows how stingy I am when it comes to outfits and how I always want my partners to be 'a perfect match' clothe-wise on big events. For each of my dresses Sward owns a compatible shirt in his closet. That I was planning for Sward and Lin to match my outfit, may have given her something to think about

As I am talking about events already, Sward and I went to a ball on Saturday. It was lovely, we haven't been to one for ages. We did some ballroom dance classes some years ago, but Sward forgot most of it and he was a bit upset that this was the case. When he saw the other pairs on the dance floor he exclaimed that as soon as my sister and her (soon to be) husband would decide that they got the time (my sister is doing her finals right now), we will visit a new course with them again. I love dancing and even though he isn't a natural born dancer, Sward liked it as well when we finally started back then. I am really looking forward to late Summer

Lastly, Sward is employed again. I am hesitant to celebrate this, as the situation in his old company isn't any better by now, people are still waiting for their monthly checks and some people already left. If things go really bad, he will quit after the third missing wage, as this is the amount our employment agency will account for.

The second factor that keeps me from enjoying his new employment is the time factor. It's always hard for to adjust to him going to work again after his winter break, as our time together is severely reduced. I already spend two nights in a row with him last week and I think I will need two again this week. Maybe we will adjust our 'schedule' to the fact that Lin and I have nearly all day together and Sward and I only see each other for some hours in the evening. If I am not at one of my sport courses that evening. Then it becomes even less time we see each other.

Maybe this will become normal again, but in this new situation with Lin around and the possibility to 'compare' the time I spend with him or with Sward, the change and the discrepancy are quite obvious. Both of us were surprised that we put up with that without feeling the need to make up for that loss over the passed years. Both of us always felt the change and were a bit more attached to each other in reaction to it, but none really asked for something specific ever. Well, we will see how that develops.

[rory]

Originally Posted by Phy

Not in our case; therefore we will go shopping next month for Lin and Sward, as I found a dress as well and they need shirts and ties that match the color of my dress.

Oh please tell me you'll give us a picture of that onto your profile

Work stuff is similarly not great around here, too. Alec finally got a job in the fall, but turns out it's very much less than ideal. He would like to do something else but there's not much around for him... Plaah. Don't want to go into it, just saying, I symphatise.

[Phy]

Originally Posted by rory

Oh please tell me you'll give us a picture of that onto your profile

Hehe, why not; I will look for a photo to show you how the end result looked like

Originally Posted by rory

Work stuff is similarly not great around here, too. Alec finally got a job in the fall, but turns out it's very much less than ideal. He would like to do something else but there's not much around for him... Plaah. Don't want to go into it, just saying, I symphatise.

Sorry to hear that. I really hope that things will turn out for the better soon. This situation is just getting on our nerves.

[Hannahfluke]

Thanks, Phy, for the good wishes. I'm not sure that my boyfriend will ever live with us. He's trying to buy a house so I'm hoping it'll be near us. Right now he rents a room in a house about 5 minutes away, which is nice. It'll be better when he gets a house, more room to spread out, less feeling of everything being temporary for him. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to leave a bit of stuff at his house and not feel like I'm taking up his limited space.

[Phy]

Not much time passed, but a lot has happened. I can't say that I feel at ease and thoroughly happy right now.

First of all, related to the last entry: We rearranged our plan for the nights, I am starting to spend two nights in a row with Sward from now on, as we miss each other too much during our busy weeks. This will last as long as Lin and I get to see each other on a similar regular basis as right now. That was an improvement, even though, Sward realized that he had started to get into similar emotional states, as you would normally expect from women during 'those special days of the month'. When he himself noticed what was happening to him, he had to laugh about it. He could get into some moody states from time to time, but the poly situation seem to have enforced this trait of his. But it is manageable, as he said, he himself is mostly effected by it and working to fix his mood swings. I would categorize this as a small problem, but I will keep an eye on it.

For my personal situation, all I can say is that I am stressed. Big time. By the end of the month my papers should be handed in to get my certifications and such to register for the finals. One of my profs is on vacation and will be here after Easter, too late to make it on time. I will see how I am going to manage that. I need to finish another paper by tomorrow and send it by mail. Some of the office hours are during my time for work … need to borrow the car from my mother to get there and be back on time for my tutoring job, even though the car is 'half-broken' as one of the breaks is making some issues... Yeay, fun!

The biggest and baddest news I received was yesterday. My mother came over to talk to us and the moment she came through the door I knew something happened. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. All we know up to now is that it spread through both breasts and already settled down in her left lymph node under the armpit. I think I am still in some kind of shock. I lost my uncle last year, cancer had spread through his whole body, it had been too late for him. I try to keep my calm, we don't know yet how bad it is in the case of my mother, but I tend to be too emotional in 'normal' situations already, I am not doing well on that front. I am really relieved that I am not alone during the day right now, as Sward is working all day. Having Lin right here to distract me has helped a lot. I am utterly scared about what we may know at the end of the week.

[Mya]

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! Try not to lose hope just yet, it might not be as bad as in your uncle's case. *hugs*

[Phy]

Thanks alot. I will accompany my mother to the hospital today. I hope for the best outcome.

[SNeacail]

Hugs!