Is it worth the risk?

[WalkingTheBlue]

So I talked to her last night. All of my worst fears were confirmed. She told me that she thinks I've decided to hear what I want to hear to justify what she called emotional cheating. She thinks I'm rather full of crap, and that I'm completely wrong to have feelings for another woman while I'm with her. She says that she can't be married to me while I have these feelings. She didn't wear her wedding ring today. She couldn't look at me this morning, and recoiled when I tried to hug her. I made it clear that it wasn't about loving her any less, but she told me that she loves me less now.

I feel broken now. I feel like I put all of this time into figuring out this piece of myself that I couldn't define and I reached a greater understanding of myself. Now that thing that I've realized is a part of me is causing nothing but pain and havoc. I don't think I can turn it off. I wish I could. I wish I could go back. My life is in smoldering ruins right now, and I don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us. She said she needs space. I'll give it to her if that's what she needs. I just feel so powerless about it.

[nycindie]

It won't stay like this forever. It may not be ruined, just changed.

I wonder why she feels you can share your body but not your heart. What is the difference for her? I mean, really there isn't any part of our physical beings that doesn't contain our souls and emotions. For some people, the work required to keep them distinctly separate from each other in the mind isn't as easy as it is for others. That would be my next tack in your next discussions when they happen.

You can also invite her here to join, read this thread, and share her perspective on it. Once she gets over her shock.

[AnnabelMore]

So sorry to hear that. It always blows my mind that people think it's even possible to have regular sex with someone without having to worry that emotions might develop. There are actually chemical reasons that the two are linked (oxytocin released after sex, etc), you literally can't help how your feel. It's your actions that you can control, and your actions have been 100% honorable in that you talked to your partner about it rather than acting rashly.

Having her come here might help, as NYC suggests? Or maybe she does just need time and space.

[WalkingTheBlue]

I would love for her to read some of the blogs I've been reading and see the point of view that is shared on this forum. I think it would really help her understand wher I'm coming from. She's just too shocked right now (I think). After all, I've had a while to process all of this and I'm sure she feels caught off guard. I hope in time that she is able to accept me the way that I am. I didn't ask for any of this. It's just the way I ended up feeling. I can't help that, and I can't just turn it off.

I've always viewed my wife's friendship with our friend as having the dynamic of a romantic relationship. Most of the people we work with think that the two of them are having some sort of secret lesbian affair. I know that people are going to feed into rumors no matter what, but that tells me I'm not the only one who sees it. I not sure if I'm just hoping against hope, but I think she might be feeling some of these things that I'm feeling and isn't ready to come to terms with it yet.

I've never been a one night stand kind of guy. I've only slept with three women in my life: the mother of my daughter, and the two women in question. I've never felt ashamed of the number, I've just always equated sex with intimacy. I didn't just accept every offer that got put on the table. This wasn't some macho thing about having two women all the time. I've often thought about the three of us just cuddling on the couch watching tv, and the idea brought me comfort.

Despite all of this I can't help but feel that I've already lost my wife. I told her that I won't give up on us and I meant it. Even if it is just the two of us, I'd never view our marriage as being lesser because of it. Even though I feel so lost and distraught, I will give her the time she needs to preocess all of this. I know it's a lot.

Thank you everyone. Its so great that I have a supportive community like this to express myself. I will update you as things progress.

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It won't stay like this forever. It may not be ruined, just changed.

I wonder why she feels you can share your body but not your heart. What is the difference for her? I mean, really there isn't any part of our physical beings that doesn't contain our souls and emotions. .

It's an excellent question! When a woman expects her partner to love only her, why in the hell would she participate, and in some cases go so far as to advocate, bringing another woman into their sex life? Does she really believe her partner is not going to develop feelings for the woman after repeatedly sharing the most intimate physical relationship two people can share? WHAT THE FUCK???

She ultimately causes herself and her mate a lot of heartache.

And yes, it's a particular burr under my saddle because I have found myself the secondary in this exact scenario. Sex was fine as long as her husband and I only liked each other. When it developed into love, the shit hit the fan. Silly me, I thought love was the point. (Still fairly recent. I find my emotions evolving from broken-hearted and sad to pissed off.)

Anyway, to the OP, I'm very sorry. I think your wife was totally out of touch if she believed it was possible for you to keep sharing sex with your friend and never develop deep feelings for her. I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot and the mutual friend were a man, she would find herself in the same boat as you are now ~ with feelings for him.

[WalkingTheBlue]

I can honestly say that if the shoe were on the other foot, had I not prepared myself like I have, I might have reacted the same way. I also know that I love her enough to eventually try to understand her better. To try and see things through her eyes. I truly think she might try to do just that. It's not a definite, but I know her well enough to know its possible. I am trying to have hope right now, but I am preparing myself for the worst.

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue

I can honestly say that if the shoe were on the other foot, had I not prepared myself like I have, I might have reacted the same way. I also know that I love her enough to eventually try to understand her better. To try and see things through her eyes. I truly think she might try to do just that. It's not a definite, but I know her well enough to know its possible. I am trying to have hope right now, but I am preparing myself for the worst.

I truly hope that she will try to understand.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

Please let us know how it turns out. I hope so much that she comes around. I can't believe that she'd say she loves you less now!

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by WalkingTheBlue

I've always viewed my wife's friendship with our friend as having the dynamic of a romantic relationship. Most of the people we work with think that the two of them are having some sort of secret lesbian affair. I know that people are going to feed into rumors no matter what, but that tells me I'm not the only one who sees it. I not sure if I'm just hoping against hope, but I think she might be feeling some of these things that I'm feeling and isn't ready to come to terms with it yet.

This. And the strength of her reaction say to me that perhaps she's had these thoughts and/or feelings and rejected them. Perhaps it's too close to home and that's why she's mad.

I had a girlfriend when I was in my early twenties (all of them). She was the love of my life (I mean that like all you read in romances and fairy-tales. She was it.). She was often mistaken from behind for a boy. She had very narrow hips, and for a time, very short hair. She often wore jeans and high-tops and a leather jacket. She would go ballistic when people mistook her for a guy. Many, many years later, I learned from a mutual acquaintance that was a man now. I cried that night, because it felt like my gf had died. I had the tremendous luck and pleasure to run into him the grocery store parking lot one day. He was every bit as hot as I remembered, but so odd to see him gray-haired.

Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time thinking on his transition. And one of the thoughts was about the anger at being mistaken for a guy. It actually made sense to me after awhile. I realized that he must've been terribly traumatized by actually being a man, when his body and society said he was a girl. To think that someone could see inside would have been tortuous, I think.

So, I just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective. It is possible that when she's able to process some of the initial shock and anger and whatever, that things could change.

hang in there.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

This. And the strength of her reaction say to me that perhaps she's had these thoughts and/or feelings and rejected them. Perhaps it's too close to home and that's why she's mad.

I had a girlfriend when I was in my early twenties (all of them). She was the love of my life (I mean that like all you read in romances and fairy-tales. She was it.). She was often mistaken from behind for a boy. She had very narrow hips, and for a time, very short hair. She often wore jeans and high-tops and a leather jacket. She would go ballistic when people mistook her for a guy. Many, many years later, I learned from a mutual acquaintance that was a man now. I cried that night, because it felt like my gf had died. I had the tremendous luck and pleasure to run into him the grocery store parking lot one day. He was every bit as hot as I remembered, but so odd to see him gray-haired.

Anyway, I spent a fair amount of time thinking on his transition. And one of the thoughts was about the anger at being mistaken for a guy. It actually made sense to me after awhile. I realized that he must've been terribly traumatized by actually being a man, when his body and society said he was a girl. To think that someone could see inside would have been tortuous, I think.

So, I just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective. It is possible that when she's able to process some of the initial shock and anger and whatever, that things could change.

hang in there.

This is incredible! Thank you for sharing this story! It's very true.

When I was younger I'd say things like, "I *wish* I were attracted to women. they're SO PRETTY. But I'm just not." And I really believed it.

But I was terrified that someone would think I liked girls - even though I didn't *know* I liked girls.