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  #11  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:14 PM
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My apologies. He has a lot of reservations about me being intimate (physically or otherwise) with another man. We've discussed it & it mostly stems from fear of losing me. I told him I can & will respect those boundaries.
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:42 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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To be save I'd say he better get prepared for the eventuality of you wanting to be with men. A couple reasons for that. 1...the inherent double standard. And the lack of a good argument after the fact. 2. ...love is love ...with out gender. 3. Love and feelings ....(loving feeling).. they get rolling and not something that can be controlled. Love gets in the air 4. Slippery slope.


Do you think that the emotion infidelity has been healed? What did the 2 of you do to get past that?
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2012, 03:14 PM
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I agree love doesn't necessarily apply to one gender or the other for all people. He is very straight, so he doesn't quite get loving men & women both, but he tries to. I think in time he may become more ok with the idea of men, he's not there now though. I feel like it's rooted in fear & maybe a little jealousy. That's something I cannot push, or I may cause resentment for one or both of us. But I believe (naively?) that if he is shown thru baby steps that I love him, always will, and have no desire to leave, he may come around.

Can you explain "slippery slope?" In what ways?

I think it has been healed as much as possible. He still has worries about telling me things sometimes. He worries I may think interactions mean more than they do, or I'll emotionally react instead of processing it first. That is an issue I'm working on & believe can only be proven by testing. His reluctance to share things at times, can nudge my suspicious nature, but I'm honest with him about it & explain my thoughts/feelings at the time.

A week or so ago we had a discussion & it was clear he was keeping something back, but I had no idea what it was. I explained to him that I could see something was eating at him & I don't like not knowing what's going on because it makes me suspicious. "If it wasn't a big deal, there's no reason not to tell me. So it makes me feel like there's something major you're hiding." We do tend to have that talk on a fairly regular basis, but it's always due to something minor or that can't be helped. The instance I just mentioned was worry over an upcoming promotion. Nothing to hide from me, he just didn't want to put more on my plate than I already had to deal with.

We are both young, and he had a fairly sheltered upbringing with minimal stresses. Not that he was pampered or anything, but he didn't have to be an adult before his time, if that makes sense. I had the opposite and was forced to grow up very quickly. Due to that difference, there are some adjustments & learning that continue to happen & I'm sure always will. People, situations, life, ideals... everything changes, and you have to change as well or get left behind. I mean to say, we are a work in progress & we always will be.

I'm just trying to figure out how to work together to make sure we're both as fulfilled & happy as possible, while minimizing casualties.
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  #14  
Old 03-19-2012, 03:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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In my opinion it's really really difficult to stop these snowballs once they start rolling down the hill. Once you walk through that door coming back could be impossible for one or both.

Your first paragraph reinforces the point I was trying to make ...that's the slope ....baby steps ...slowly acclimate or desensitizing and he may come around. The goal would be 100% equality and him coming around. I'm saying he should know that's the long term goal and any all negotiations have that under current. I thought it might make it easier or less painful to just acknowledge the eventual truth.
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  #15  
Old 03-19-2012, 04:25 PM
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I've noticed something around the board in siggys & am beginning to wonder if maybe it'd be more our speed... Is it truly possible to have one mono partner & 1 poly, without things falling apart??
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  #16  
Old 03-19-2012, 04:38 PM
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Yes it's possible ....and yes it's been done. Does it have a high success rate? I don't think so. Lots of factors to muck things up.

I think when it works its personality driven.

Which one of you would remain mono?
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  #17  
Old 03-19-2012, 04:49 PM
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IF that was how it went down, he would be mono. But IDK if he really is, or is just scared to be different, or upset me, or damage our relationship... etc etc.
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  #18  
Old 03-19-2012, 10:50 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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As one of those mono/poly sigs- in my experience the mono person has to be poly-supportive and agree that it is possible for some people to love more than one person at a time without it being cheating (as opposed to just tolerating a situation in order to not lose a relationship with the poly person). In my hubby's case, his brain just (so far) doesn't leave him the option of loving more than one person. He can be attracted to other people, but thus far I'm the only person he's ever fallen in love with. If that were to ever change, just because I'm poly myself doesn't mean it'd be any easier for me to get used to the new situation. TGIB and I are both poly but we both have times of feeling envy, at least, and wanting more time and not wanting to share, etc. From my pov the success or failure in most relationships, mono or poly, comes down to all parties being willing to put in the time and effort to find whatever answers/solutions will work. But you can't MAKE the other people put in that time and effort- you can only be willing to yourself and just hope that everyone else is also willing to. It's kind of a lot to take on faith, if you think about it. I think admitting that lack of control is hard for a lot of people- like somehow if YOU do all the right things/make all the right decisions (yeah, right, but for the sake of argument) then the situation should automatically work out because of how hard YOU tried and how much effort YOU put in, but ultimately it doesn't work that way.

Sorry, this ended up a little more negative than I intended, but I wish you the best of luck! (I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old, so I totally understand your worry about your kiddo but didn't have any answers to offer since I'm in the middle of it myself!)
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  #19  
Old 03-19-2012, 11:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
As one of those mono/poly sigs- in my experience the mono person has to be poly-supportive and agree that it is possible for some people to love more than one person at a time without it being cheating (as opposed to just tolerating a situation in order to not lose a relationship with the poly person). In my hubby's case, his brain just (so far) doesn't leave him the option of loving more than one person. He can be attracted to other people, but thus far I'm the only person he's ever fallen in love with. If that were to ever change, just because I'm poly myself doesn't mean it'd be any easier for me to get used to the new situation. TGIB and I are both poly but we both have times of feeling envy, at least, and wanting more time and not wanting to share, etc. From my pov the success or failure in most relationships, mono or poly, comes down to all parties being willing to put in the time and effort to find whatever answers/solutions will work. But you can't MAKE the other people put in that time and effort- you can only be willing to yourself and just hope that everyone else is also willing to. It's kind of a lot to take on faith, if you think about it. I think admitting that lack of control is hard for a lot of people- like somehow if YOU do all the right things/make all the right decisions (yeah, right, but for the sake of argument) then the situation should automatically work out because of how hard YOU tried and how much effort YOU put in, but ultimately it doesn't work that way.

Sorry, this ended up a little more negative than I intended, but I wish you the best of luck! (I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old, so I totally understand your worry about your kiddo but didn't have any answers to offer since I'm in the middle of it myself!)
Thank you for the reply!
It all makes sense, and is kind of where I'm at with it all. Just wish there was more I could do! Haha.
As far as poly-supportive, I think DH wants to be, but I still have my questions about what's really going on... so in a holding pattern for now.
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