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  #21  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Um, hello? Why would she move in with him, or him with her, when, according to you, he "has no idea that she is thinking this?" WHA-A-A-A???

Just because it's poly doesn't mean that an attraction automatically becomes a live-in partner!

Come on, now. Telling her to move out of your place, fine, but it's way too soon for them to live together. Polyamorous relationships still go through phases of courtship and getting to know one another, like any romance does, and waiting six months to a year before even thinking about cohabiting is generally a good idea. If you agree to poly, you can do all sorts of things like not be home when she's getting ready, or she goes on simple coffee dates first but respects your boundaries limiting how physical she can be with him.

There is a whole stage of negotiating you seem to be skipping here. You also have to trust each other, and not give in to suspicious thoughts.

On the other hand, I am glad to hear that you voiced your heartfelt feelings and were able to say what you needed to. There will surely be many more difficult talks. But I wouldn't send her into his arms just yet, nor would I assume right now that you know how you will handle any of it later on. You might surprise yourself.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-19-2012 at 07:35 PM.
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  #22  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:31 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think you did the right thing in that lunch conversation...and what you suggested makes a great deal of sense to me. Have her move out ...let everyone take a break ...pull back a little to casual dating and explore how you to move forward. Really smart play...good job.


I'm little confused ... She can't imagine you dating or bare the thought you being sexual with others but it OK for her and the other guy.


Sounds like this other guy is poly ?...is that correct. If so how many relationships does he have currently? And why is that OK?
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  #23  
Old 03-19-2012, 08:24 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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No I understand about what you said and thank you. I guess I was just thinking how often it does happen where it does work out so well?
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  #24  
Old 03-19-2012, 08:57 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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[QUOTE=nycindie;129435]Um, hello? Why would she move in with him, or him with her, when, according to you, he "has no idea that she is thinking this?" WHA-A-A-A???

Just because it's poly doesn't mean that an attraction automatically becomes a live-in partner!

Come on, now. Telling her to move out of your place, fine, but it's way too soon for them to live together. Polyamorous relationships still go through phases of courtship and getting to know one another, like any romance does, and waiting six months to a year before even thinking about cohabiting is generally a good idea. If you agree to poly, you can do all sorts of things like not be home when she's getting ready, or she goes on simple coffee dates first but respects your boundaries limiting how physical she can be with him.

QUOTE]

I guess that's the thing though about sending her out of the house. I don't think I would be ok watching it go on. I feel as if having her out of the house I could actually not have to think about it and could concentrate on myself and my kids. It's this tearing feeling in my stomach and my heart to think that she would be on a date with someone else. More so they have been on dates already. I say date but they see each other every night at work, they spend time "as friends" going out to eat or getting a drink or socializing with others. My work schedule prevents me from being able to spend as much time with her as I would like to so she began to fill that time making friends from work and that's how this began. Essentially the courtship has already been happening for a few months now. Has there been anykind of intimacy? All she has told me is that they slept in the same bed once and cuddled but nothing else has happened. But they talk on the phone throughout the day and text as well. If she is being honest then the only thing missing so far is the actual physical touching from courtship. I know there is a lot more than that to be had with courtship. But know also that she has spent the night on numerous occasions with him while we were having issues between us.

I understand what your saying that I may surprise myself but I have already had to watch her get ready to go out on other occasions knowing this guy would be there. I have gone with her the night before as she goes shopping and then met up with her the next night as she is wearing the outfit she bought to go out with him. I had no idea that the tight black top she had purchased would be to wear for him the next night. I guess I feel as if I have already partly been living with her seeing someone else. It's not exactly the same and there has been a HUGE loss of communication as it washappening but that's why I feel as if her being in the house would just be the straw that broke the camels back if this is to go on. I would rather her immerse herself into what she thinks she wants and find out for sure. Not that I don't want to be a part of it but as if I have spent two years sacrificing time, money and emotions to get all the way to being able to ask her marry me and then someone else is swoping in and taking that away. I don't know if I want to feel tied to someone who doesn't want the exact same or who in her words "doesn't think she could be doing what I'm doing right now."
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  #25  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:15 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think you did the right thing in that lunch conversation...and what you suggested makes a great deal of sense to me. Have her move out ...let everyone take a break ...pull back a little to casual dating and explore how you to move forward. Really smart play...good job.


I'm little confused ... She can't imagine you dating or bare the thought you being sexual with others but it OK for her and the other guy.


Sounds like this other guy is poly ?...is that correct. If so how many relationships does he have currently? And why is that OK?
Thanks for the support. I honestly didnt mean for it to come out then and it kills me to watch her cry especially from my own words but I couldn't help but get it all out to her at once.

As for her having diffuculty with me being with another girl I think in her mind again that she has this very utopian? view of how this should work out. But only when it is concerning her. That sounds worse than I mean it to though. I think she was thinking that we could all be friends and it would all work out.

This guy as far as I know has no other relationships. He moved here from Colorado with his ex wife and kid and her boyfriend. Supposedly they were all living togther until he started running out of money then she (ex) kicked him out. I guess he never sees his daughter much anymore and his daughter calls the boyfriend dad and calls him by his frist name. From the few talks he and I have had he has said he was involved in a other relationships with swingers and alluded to being in a poly relationship at one point. That's about as much as I know about him though on that.
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  #26  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I don't think I would be ok watching it go on. I feel as if having her out of the house I could actually not have to think about it and could concentrate on myself and my kids...

I guess I feel as if I have already partly been living with her seeing someone else... I would rather her immerse herself into what she thinks she wants and find out for sure. Not that I don't want to be a part of it but as if I have spent two years sacrificing time, money and emotions to get all the way to being able to ask her marry me and then someone else is swoping in and taking that away. I don't know if I want to feel tied to someone who doesn't want the exact same or who in her words "doesn't think she could be doing what I'm doing right now."
Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with your idea to ask her to move out. I'm just saying it seems premature if she then moves in with him. I wouldn't encourage her to do that. I would think she should find a friend to stay with or be on her own while she decides what to do. What growth can be gained by going from one shared living situation into another when she's trying to come to terms with what she wants? I don't see how it will help her. But I guess if she isn't living with you, then it's really up to her and this is a moot point.

I can totally understand that you are protecting yourself after everything you've put into this relationship. Good for you. If she does move out, would you still want to work on it, or would you consider it over?
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  #27  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:42 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with your idea to ask her to move out. I'm just saying it seems premature if she then moves in with him. I wouldn't encourage her to do that. I would think she should find a friend to stay with or be on her own while she decides what to do. What growth can be gained by going from one shared living situation into another when she's trying to come to terms with what she wants? I don't see how it will help her. But I guess if she isn't living with you, then it's really up to her and this is a moot point.

I can totally understand that you are protecting yourself after everything you've put into this relationship. Good for you. If she does move out, would you still want to work on it, or would you consider it over?
Her moving in with a friend I don't think is the most viable option. The problem lies in the fact that she is always concerned what people will think and her friends from work would ask why she was staying with someone else. I don't think she would want her family to know either. Though they are states away, same as mine there would be the concern that they would find out through others and if we did go back to each permamnently then dealing with the fallout from what had taken place would decimate how they look at her. Her living with him wouldn't be much different then it was just a month or two ago when she was staying there almost every night and spending almost all her time with him. I would see her maybe when she decided to come home while I was feeding the kids lunch, say hi to them for a minute, then retreat to the bedroom to take a nap. The kids and I would leave for the day and come back in the evening and there would be remanants of her getting ready to back out and clothes missing from the closet from what she had packed to go out with him and other friends.

I wouldn't consider it over though. I would consider it that we have slowed down to casually dating if she was to move out and see him. There could always be the possibilty of us working it out but there is also the reality that too much has happened and too quickly. More so than that this relationship has taken place in way that was suspicious and hurtful instead of out in the open. I'm not saying no to anything but I know I need to also come to terms with how this feels and how it makes me feel. It's like I had told her yesterday as she is crying in the car telling me she's sorry for making me hurt. I had said "No matter what someone is going to get hurt in all of this. It's just a matter of how much." There is more to it than that but the gist being that I'm already hurt, she's hurting now and if she doesn't go with this guy he will be hurt and so will she, but if she does go with him and I don't agree then I'm hurt and if I leave she's hurt and so on and so forth.
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  #28  
Old 03-19-2012, 10:15 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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It sounds to me like she needs to accept that people do indeed get hurt, especially when they make themselves vulnerable to another in a relationship. But they also heal, and the point now is where she wants to be while healing is happening and when it's finished.

If she truly wants to keep her relationship with you, she needs to let go of the idea of a deadline, period. If he's not a cowboy (someone who tries to split up an already existing couple) and truly is interested in a relationship with her, he can wait. They can wait. The utopia they may be envisioning could be possible- I'll pretty much have mine in June once my partner moves to the same city as my husband and myself- but it takes TIME. My husband and I have been slowly making the journey from open relationship to poly for FOURTEEN YEARS. TGIB and I have been on our journey together for over two years. Fast can work, such as in Phy's situation, but most of what I've seen shows that making poly work, especially starting with an already established monogamous relationship, takes honesty and communication (duh) and TIME. If she's not willing to give the time, then it seems to me she's not really interested in making poly work.

Reading "The Ethical Slut" is a good step, though. Hopefully now that you know about it you can benefit from it as well.
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  #29  
Old 03-20-2012, 12:53 AM
matellas matellas is offline
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You make some great points about the need for time and not having the deadline. Fourteen years is a huge amount of time but in the end anything that is good is worth the wait. As for her wanting to make poly work I'm not sure if it's her wanting it to work or just wanting it to work with him. I guess it is one in the same. But in the end as selfish as this sounds, what do I get out of all this? That's selfish at the least. I want her to be happy with or without me but I want to be happy to. Is it about selflessness in giving up to make the partner happy?
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  #30  
Old 03-20-2012, 01:20 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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No. You shouldn't have to give up who you are or what you want out of life any more than she should have to. That's another reason you BOTH really need TIME: time to process, to dig at your feelings of jealousy to find out where they're rooted and determine what it is you actually want and expect out of a relationship rather than just what you're used to being told you should want/expect by the rest of society. Poly may be something you can accept in your relationship, but it may not be. The key right now is you don't and can't know without spending a lot more time thinking about it. It most likely will not take you 14 years to come to a decision- MC and I did no reading at all, we took baby steps and discussed and took baby steps and discussed ad nauseum. But we were already somewhat used to throwing off social conditioning (ex-Catholic and ex-Jehovah's Witness, as well as me identifying as Bisexual) so we knew it was all about what we wanted for ourselves, what worked for our relationships and what would ultimately make/keep us strong. Since we had a common starting point it made everything a LOT easier. There was no dramatic "coming out" because he knew from the very beginning that I was unwilling to limit my connections with others but could keep those connections within certain agreed-upon boundaries for the sake of his comfort.

Back to the point, you get out of this what you get out of any relationship: a partner who loves you and is happy to build a life and future with you. What you need to figure out is if you CAN be happy building that life with someone who also has strong connections to a least one other person. I know that right now you feel like the thought of her being with someone else would tear you apart, and maybe that feeling will last, but maybe it will fade with time, too. I know at the beginning of this journey neither MC nor I ever thought I'd be in TWO committed relationships, but things change. So that's another reason for time. You open up the possibility to adjust and adapt to new ideas.

Let me see if I can get MC over here to give you his perspective, since he's the mono one and there may be more going on in his brain than I can guess at.
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