Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-18-2012, 02:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Wait.... All those Ebooks didn't cover age and the cowism aspect for Proper domming....thats a surprise. . That should be under sections on throwing your weight around. . Were theses ebooks written by men? Thinking about a career change ...definitely would be interesting.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-18-2012, 03:07 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,375
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Wait.... All those Ebooks didn't cover age and the cowism aspect for Proper domming....thats a surprise. . That should be under sections on throwing your weight around. . Were theses ebooks written by men? Thinking about a career change ...definitely would be interesting.
"Cowism," "fat as a cow," what lovely descriptions.

Ah, no, Dinged, the eBooks I have were mostly written by women on how to dominate men. I found them online after it was suggested to me that I read up on it by a lover who thought I would make a good domme, which was not the first time I had been told that. After that was said to me several times, I became curious to learn more -- but D/s is really not for me.

Persephone, PM me if you're interested in some of my reading material!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 03-18-2012 at 03:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-18-2012, 03:30 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Rather than worrying about whether the new metamour calls herself a Domme or a Mistress (I don't think it implies much), or her age/size (um?), it seems like the pertinent things here are the insecurity, bitchiness, and history of bad choices. Bad traits in any metamour and traits that in combination I don't think I would find acceptable in any person who wanted to be in my intimate life, much less someone who wanted to be dominant with me.

Did your former metamour hide these aspects of herself well, or was your ex just a poor judge of character? The tough thing about your current situation is that without knowing the new metamour or even being willing to hear anything about her, there's no way for you to begin to guess if she's a similar or a radically different person.

Also, having to hear about her existence fleetingly in casual conversation seems like kind of a harsh thing to get mad at your bf for? And now he's going to have to monitor himself to censor out any possible reference to her to avoid another fight, which seems stressful. What happened to you sucks, but I wonder about the potential to create a self-fulfilling prophecy here by making him feel so uncomfortable about this that it negatively impacts his relationship with you without your metamour ever doing or saying a thing on the topic.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-18-2012, 03:42 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

I can See how from my comments you thought I missed the sharpness of your point ....I did not. I used the smilies liberally to make sure you'd get the fact I was joking around. Hey, how was your St pats?...hungover a little?


And just for the record I think you'd make a great domme TOO.

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-18-2012 at 03:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-18-2012, 05:51 PM
persephone persephone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default

You make some good points, AnnabelMore. My former metamour did indeed hide what she was very well, for a long time. As I think I mentioned, I had thought of her as one of my best friends, and so did my husband. We were both poor judges of character, by your definition. My ex is still with her almost two years later, so presumably he doesn't have any problems with her character.

The main reason I don't want to hear about my boyfriend's new friend is because I know it's just going to upset me, without accomplishing anything. He won't not date her to avoid upsetting me. We've already established that. I can't stop a relationship from happening if they both want it, and if it does happen, I have zero faith in my ability to stop anything bad from happening to him or us, from 2000 miles away. Sure, I could talk to her. If she's a good person, asking her to treat him well and respect my relationship with him is not really necessary. If she isn't, I'm just wasting my breath.

I got mad at him because he agreed to a boundary (not discussing her with me), which he then "forgot." I really don't think it should be a big deal to ask him to not discuss one particular thing with me, considering how I feel about it. It's not like I live with him and he's constantly having to leave out details of how he spent his day. We don't even communicate every day, and when we do, it's usually via instant messaging or email, where it should be very easy to censor yourself.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-19-2012, 04:14 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 352
Default

Hi Persephone,

The story of what happened to your ex is either very common, or else I know the story because I've met you and your husband in real life. (Might be the latter!)

I sympathize. I too lost an ex in a way that I am not yet totally over. And I too am terrified of encountering a similar situation, to the point that I am quick to project my issues with my ex onto a new situation.

Which is what I think you're doing here. Your boyfriend has a new friend and he might be a bit intrigued by her because she is a domme. So what?

It doesn't really make sense to assume that all dommes are evil and that she will take him away from his wife and from you.

And if that were the case, there's nothing you could do about it even if you were close by instead of 2,000 miles away.

Honestly, if he does secretly crave total submission to a domme who will control every aspect of his life, both you and his wife are better off without him.

That's what I feel is missing from your interpretation of what happened with your ex. Surely he has some blame in what happened? He chose to give up control of his life. He chose to treat you badly.

It sounds to me like he's the one with the issues. Not just the domme. You are focused on her betrayal of your friendship, but your ex treated you like garbage. There is something really wrong with him.

The domme may be manipulative and horrible, but your ex must be a deeply unhappy person to need what she provides.

Also, I think the kinky issues may be sidetracking you. Sure, sexual dominance/ sadism can create an unhealthy psychological hold over someone. But I have seen lots of relationships were one partner is emotionally controlling of the other, and the one being controlled totally changes his/her personality and abandons people who care for him/her.

Most of those relationships are not kinky--they just involve a manipulative person and an insecure person. (That's part of what happened with my own ex).

What I mean is, I don't think it's the kink that made your ex lose himself. I think he was already lost and unhappy. His domme just pounced on that and convinced him that what he needed was her.

It might help you to meet more people who are kinky but perfectly nice, healthy, caring people? I mean, you clearly have some experience with the kinky community, but you might try harder?

For example, I am seeing a perfectly nice guy who happens to enjoy doing sadistic things when he is in bed with masochistic women. (Which I am not, but it doesn't disgust me to hear about what he does with other women). He is not the least bit controlling or manipulative or hurtful.

On the other hand, he is not kinky beyond the bedroom, and I don't understand the D/s 24/7 dynamic. So maybe that's totally different.

I guess I just think you are going overboard in your hatred of dominants?

However, I'm also wondering why you seem drawn to guys who have submissive tendencies. It does sound like your new boyfriend is intrigued by and attracted to the domme. But the common factor in the equation here is you.

If you like sub-ish guys, maybe you should get back into /more into kinky stuff yourself? If you were an excellent domme, they wouldn't leave you for a horrible domme!

Just some thoughts.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-19-2012, 06:23 AM
Alleycat's Avatar
Alleycat Alleycat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Are these aspects really pertinent at all to whether someone doms well or not? I'm not a domme or into the BDSM scene, but I am a plus-sized woman over 40. Is that automatically a negative thing in your eyes when looking at someone's abilities to be accomplished at something?
Pertinent? Interesting question.
In the context used, neither trait implies any kind of proficiency or lack of proficiency. In this case it was mentioned as traits that I commonly observe associated with someone who uses the "domme" title socially rather than equating said traits with their playtime skills or lack therof.

However if your asking about Pertinence; Then I would say no, neither trait is pertinent or directly indicative of performance or accomplishment.

As for the second part of your question; No, not automatically. Depending on context of course.

Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:03 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
It doesn't really make sense to assume that all dommes are evil and that she will take him away from his wife and from you.

It sounds to me like he's the one with the issues. Not just the domme.
Agreeing to this. I am a dominant woman and I don't treat people as this situation seems to of been played out. To me there is no justification for assuming that I have all mighty power over what any sub I come across does. I don't take slaves though. Maybe thats the difference? I don't have any respect for that dynamic beyond my private life. In the real world people need to take care of themselves. I like to be a guide, a confident and a partner that walks hand in hand with them, but why would I want to take on the responsibility of "controlling" their real life? I never got that part about D/s situations. It seems like far too much work and drama. I prefer to keep it simple. Ya, probably not wise to use the same brush for every domme/mistress.

It seems like he has some issues with taking control of his own life. If he isn't able to work that through with a domme/mistress then she isn't doing her job right if you ask me... to me its all about taking control in moments so that the sub can take control in the real world. Its like a release. I dunno. This guy would not be someone I take on. Unless he is willing to work on his shit.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-19-2012, 05:21 PM
persephone persephone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default

Thank you so much for your post, MeeraReed. That one helped me even more than the other good ones I've gotten here so far. I do think I've wanted to blame what happened to my ex on the kink in the relationship, but yes, that relationship is also a combination of a manipulative person and an insecure person, and I needed a reminder that such a pairing can be toxic to others in the relationship even without kink.

I also know that I've been inclined to blame my former metamour for what happened, not my ex. I really loved him deeply and it just hurts me less to blame her than him. But you're right. He did treat me like garbage.

I am pretty sure I am not a domme. While I've played at being one a little, I find it much hotter to give up control than to have it in most cases. I'm also not very kinky, I have found very few kink-related things that really excite me. I tend to be attracted to sweet, sensitive men, I don't like cocky men or "bad boys" at all, but my partners haven't all had submissive tendencies. If anything, my husband is sexually dominant, not at all submissive, and I love that about him.

Anyway, I have some happy news. I was talking with a female cyber friend yesterday whom I have known for years, and whose judgement I trust and respect. It turns out that she knows the woman my boyfriend is interested in personally, from back when she lived in the same city and they both participated in the kink community. She told me not to worry about my boyfriend's new friend, that she is a very ethical and responsible woman, and I could be assured that she would neither meddle in my relationship with boyfriend, or hurt him seriously during a play session.

I plan to tell him that I'm Ok hearing about her and their friendship now, although I'd still prefer that he not discuss anything sexual or kink-related he does with her with me, should they get into a physical relationship down the road. Since I know almost nothing about his sex life with his wife (and I've actually been curious about that, but he's volunteered very little about it), this shouldn't be a problem for him.

A big thanks to everyone here for their support and input.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, control, d/s, domme, metamour concerns, power imbalance

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:49 PM.