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  #1  
Old 03-19-2012, 12:47 PM
Polywaw Polywaw is offline
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Default Polywaw gets flopswoggled

I'm not sure what flopswoggled means, I hope it's like mindboggled.

As the male half of a long-term couple (oh shoot.. what is it? 8? 7? years, something like that)... we've had our share or adventures. None have been deeper or longer term than with "R."

It was with R that my wife and I really opened our minds (originally it was a to be a R-Wife duet, but after a year or so dance of that, it changed to a triad... sorta). See, R's been in love with this guy, conveniently named Guy. Guy is a musician and sorta a small town, conservative, soldier-boy. He's a pretty good guy, but for the longest time, he was hard core monogamous. Guy and R had this on-off relationship, and ended up going back to him.

And being miserable. After he cheated (she never cheated on him, despite wanting more partners), they split, R came and had an eventful night(s) with us, and then was back on her way to Guy when he came back from the military. (He's changed!) Actually, he sorta had. He did a lot of soul searching, and they opened up the polyamorous side of their relationship, women were now on the table for both of them, as long as they talked about it with each other. (R wants guys too though, which Guy isn't quite on-board with).

So, summary of that: R is in a relationship with Guy, which cancels out our relationship with her (my wife could have a relationship with R, but that's not quite her desire, she's really looking for someone we could share). I'm more ok with R and Wife being together, compersion principle. Sure, at times, I've really wished to be in there too but...

And then you compound this with layers of heartbreak and uneasy trust on our end with R. Everytime our relationship began to heat up or get serious... she's freaked and bolted. And ended up with Guy.

There's another part of this. R is super comfortable with getting sexual with Wife. And her and I talk all the time, best friends, get along great, amazing chemisty, and have really enjoyed all of our time together. However, when it comes to sex (and I'm really meaning penetration or one on one, non threesome interaction) she's gotten super nervous and ran.

She recently told me this past weekend that she thinks of having sex with me (implied wants to heavily) she just gets too nervous in person.

She's with Guy and won't cheat on him or anything, and we wouldn't want her too. But I've largely gotten over her as I thought from her nervous reactions that she didn't wnat to to be with me. Now she's done this and it opens the gates again for those romantic feelings and desires. But it's not like she's leaving Guy, it's not like we're starting up a relationship at all.

It really comes down to this: "Oh, I know you're in love with me and have wanted this big thing with me in the past... and so just... so you know, fyi, I'd totally like to shag you."

"Uh... thank you...?"

Not really sure if I'm looking for advice, venting, or what. I've recently said on this forum, we're not really hunting or searching for our third anymore. Just strikes me as weird to be happening like this... again.

=/

Moths are drawn to lights but always bounce off, you know?
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Last edited by Polywaw; 03-19-2012 at 05:09 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-19-2012, 01:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Life is funny and brings so much unexpected, interesting things.

BTW, we have a long-time member here named River. He hasn't posted in a while but he sometimes takes a hiatus, it seems. So, if you write more about this person using that alias, it might get confusing.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #3  
Old 03-19-2012, 05:08 PM
Polywaw Polywaw is offline
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Duly noted. And fixed.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:45 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Flopswoggled... Love it.

As much as you may not want the advice, it seems obvious to me that this R is just not stable enough for a relationship with either of you.

But there are many many people in the world. Almost 7 thousand million of us. You will find others more suited. Personally, I find just letting them come to you works. Seems that when you least expect anything, new, amazing people come into your life.
Has worked every time for me anyways.

Hope at least you and your wife are happy with each other, and wish more happiness to you both for the rest of your lives. =] Enjoy what you have. Make the most of it.
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  #5  
Old 03-24-2012, 11:51 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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Sometimes, I have conflicting feelings about someone. I desire them, but I'm also not sure I want to go in the direction that sex would take the relationship, or deal with the emotional intensity that sex creates for me, etc.

It's a lot easier to express the desire part when sex really isn't on the table, for other practical reasons.

She might not realize that this sort of teasing isn't the nicest thing to do, given your history, and the fact that that sort of relationship really doesn't seem to practical. If it feels hurtful to you, then tell her.
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