Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #261  
Old 03-19-2012, 08:38 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I've been thinking a lot today and tonight about how my history of abusive relationships might have sort of prepped me for that. I know how to deal with abuse, I know how to love people who constantly hurt me.
Oh yeah, abuse preps for more abuse, that's for sure. But knowing how to love somebody despite them constantly hurting and harming you is not really a good thing. It may not be a bad thing either, but that requires very good boundaries. Ones that don't allow the harming. You can love from a distance and sometimes that's the only healthy way.

For me abuse isn't something that can be outweighed with anything. I, for myself, have decided I will never ever put up with it now that I have a choice. Nobody deserves abuse, and nothing makes it justified (not even when there are two abusive people together, because two wrongs don't make a right). You can understand an abuser, and I do think it can be a good thing (allowing to let go of anger/resentment), but it is only a good thing if the understanding doesn't convince you that the abuse can continue. You're not doing anybody any favours with that, not even the abusive person.

I'm concerned for you and I wish you well. Take care of yourself.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #262  
Old 03-19-2012, 12:32 PM
Polywaw Polywaw is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Oh yeah, abuse preps for more abuse, that's for sure. But knowing how to love somebody despite them constantly hurting and harming you is not really a good thing. It may not be a bad thing either, but that requires very good boundaries. Ones that don't allow the harming. You can love from a distance and sometimes that's the only healthy way.
I agree about abusive relationships. I'd like to point out that abusive people usually hold a lot of anger against themselves and others that runs pretty deep, and it is possible to get over this (possible, not common).

I've also noticed with some people in my life, they go through some dark times and get borderline abusive, if their partner remains compassionate and loving, it's possible to pull them through. More often than not, however, the abused believes they can fix the abuser when it's more than just a dark spell over the abuser. Sometimes people just... aren't meant to team up together.

I suppose it was said best to me in this manner: Love brings out the best and worst in us. It's really easy to hate and mistreat the people you love when things go downhill. At that point, I'm not sure it's salvageable.

I'm really happy to see someone going through it having a sensible head on their shoulders.
Quote:
Yup, I've been thinking I need to try to solve this situation like I solved it the last time: downsize, distance and deinvest. Atm the positives of this relationship are not outweighing the negatives.
Good luck, BU.
__________________
Him: the active-posting part.
Her: the brains of the operation
We're a young 20's couple seeking a third female to complete our triad.
Reply With Quote
  #263  
Old 03-19-2012, 03:04 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,183
Default

I have a friend who was in a very abusive relationship for over ten years. He was extremely possessive and dictatorial toward her, and yes, he would even beat her with an extension cord. She told me of a time when she had to run out of her apartment in bare feet and her nightgown to get away from him, in the middle of downtown Manhattan. He once trashed her apartment and carved the word "Betrayal" into her antique wardrobe when she had gone on a trip out of the country and he imagined some affair she wasn't having.

Today they are good friends. In fact, he introduced her to her current husband, a good man to whom she is happily married. Her ex's health is declining and she will sometimes do things to help him out. They are all past the abuse, and any possible bitterness. I had a hard time with her forgiveness of him; I was angry that she forgave him, because I couldn't. She is at peace with all of it.

BUT, she couldn't have gotten to that point if she had stayed with him and tried to work it out or teach him love and humility while under his strap and enduring the pain. She HAD TO end it, she HAD TO leave him, she HAD TO confront him with the reality of what he'd done to hurt her. She also had to look at why she put up with all that. She needed distance to do that -- so she moved to another hemisphere, actually -- and learned how to love herself better. Then she found love in that country with someone else for a time. This was a period of personal growth for her. She did not come back to the states until she knew he couldn't and wouldn't hurt her anymore. I think there was about five years of no contact between them before she could see him again and he made amends. That was huge because he'd never acknowledged that he was abusive before that. And then he became seriously ill and she forgave him. Not only because she had never stopped loving him, but also because she now had a strong sense of who she was, and she wasn't someone who put up with abuse anymore. So she had stepped through that door to the other side.

So, my point is, that you do no one any good to tolerate abuse, but it is possible to enlighten other people by taking care of yourself. However, you don't do it for him or anyone else -- Cookie may never wake up to see the harm he is doing to you. YOU have to wake up and put yourself in a truly safe place, without all the wistfulness and wishing things were better than they are.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-19-2012 at 07:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #264  
Old 03-19-2012, 04:56 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,232
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I think I need to work on drawing personal limits for what is acceptable behaviour towards me and what is not, and stop reinforcing the negative behaviours .
You can do it!!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #265  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:09 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

A brief update before our trip:

We communicated with Cookie. I communicated what I want and expect of him and he said that he wants that also. Hooray for communication! He was/is worried that he is expendable since I already have Vanilla and that he should try to find a primary also and not rely exclusively on me, but doesn't believe there is a better match out there for him. And he's mainly scared of being left alone, if/when I realize I don't need him anymore.

Vanilla is much relieved now that she feels her problem is not with poly but with this particular metamour.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #266  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:17 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,556
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
We communicated with Cookie. I communicated what I want and expect of him and he said that he wants that also. Hooray for communication! He was/is worried that he is expendable since I already have Vanilla and that he should try to find a primary also and not rely exclusively on me, but doesn't believe there is a better match out there for him. And he's mainly scared of being left alone, if/when I realize I don't need him anymore.
BE CAREFUL!!!!! Listen to Vanilla when she is getting bad vibes about Cookie. Don't let yourself get caught up in the abuse because he is currently having a little pity party.
Reply With Quote
  #267  
Old 03-20-2012, 08:22 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,183
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
he... doesn't believe there is a better match out there for him. And he's mainly scared of being left alone...
Lucky you.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #268  
Old 03-23-2012, 09:37 PM
Bucephalus1965's Avatar
Bucephalus1965 Bucephalus1965 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 9
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Similarly, near as I can tell, the road to & through poly is rarely smooth...there's lots of speed bumps, potholes and detours...
.
LOL so is monogamy.. sorry the ball was in the air I just had to swat at it.
Reply With Quote
  #269  
Old 03-30-2012, 12:16 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Big news

We're engaged! Yay for me, yay for us, yay for Vanilla!

My mum warned me that often when people make a big commitment to each other, like getting engaged, married, buying property or deciding to try for kids, the relationships might experience some turbulent times, because of all the fears and insecurities around making such a big, visible commitment. Vanilla's been really down lately because of what she sees as our waning sex life. I see that the problem lately has been more of recurrent infections she's had, which have also significantly altrered her sexual response. I'm trying to learn how to touch her all over again and I'm fumbling.

To fight back Lesbian Bed Death, we've settled down three nights a week for sex, and marked them on our calendar (that wall calendar of ours is getting a lot of action these days!). Orgasms have a really significant effect on Vanilla's mood, in that she gets very depressed without regular sex (masturbation doesn't cut it, but only adds to the frustration). Also, we've started to read Sexual Intimacy for Women self-help book.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #270  
Old 04-01-2012, 08:22 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

I had a miscarriage. A really minor one, the thing wasn't even a month old, but I'm feeling sad nevertheless. Sad and relieved at the same time. Like I didn't even know it was there until it was already gone, and I'm mourning for something that I didn't even know I'd miss.

Cookie's reaction: "Wow, you just saved me 40,000 on alimony. That's a lot of money, you know".

He so needs to go.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break up, couples, jealousy, nre, triad fallout/vee, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:23 AM.