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#261
03-19-2012, 08:38 AM
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For me abuse isn't something that can be outweighed with anything. I, for myself, have decided I will never ever put up with it now that I have a choice. Nobody deserves abuse, and nothing makes it justified (not even when there are two abusive people together, because two wrongs don't make a right). You can understand an abuser, and I do think it can be a good thing (allowing to let go of anger/resentment), but it is only a good thing if the understanding doesn't convince you that the abuse can continue. You're not doing anybody any favours with that, not even the abusive person. I'm concerned for you and I wish you well. Take care of yourself.
__________________
Partners with Alec and Mya. 
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#262
03-19-2012, 12:32 PM
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I've also noticed with some people in my life, they go through some dark times and get borderline abusive, if their partner remains compassionate and loving, it's possible to pull them through. More often than not, however, the abused believes they can fix the abuser when it's more than just a dark spell over the abuser. Sometimes people just... aren't meant to team up together. I suppose it was said best to me in this manner: Love brings out the best and worst in us. It's really easy to hate and mistreat the people you love when things go downhill. At that point, I'm not sure it's salvageable. I'm really happy to see someone going through it having a sensible head on their shoulders. Quote:
__________________
Him: the active-posting part. Her: the brains of the operation We're a young 20's couple seeking a third female to complete our triad.
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#263
03-19-2012, 03:04 PM
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I have a friend who was in a very abusive relationship for over ten years. He was extremely possessive and dictatorial toward her, and yes, he would even beat her with an extension cord. She told me of a time when she had to run out of her apartment in bare feet and her nightgown to get away from him, in the middle of downtown Manhattan. He once trashed her apartment and carved the word "Betrayal" into her antique wardrobe when she had gone on a trip out of the country and he imagined some affair she wasn't having.
Today they are good friends. In fact, he introduced her to her current husband, a good man to whom she is happily married. Her ex's health is declining and she will sometimes do things to help him out. They are all past the abuse, and any possible bitterness. I had a hard time with her forgiveness of him; I was angry that she forgave him, because I couldn't. She is at peace with all of it. BUT, she couldn't have gotten to that point if she had stayed with him and tried to work it out or teach him love and humility while under his strap and enduring the pain. She HAD TO end it, she HAD TO leave him, she HAD TO confront him with the reality of what he'd done to hurt her. She also had to look at why she put up with all that. She needed distance to do that -- so she moved to another hemisphere, actually -- and learned how to love herself better. Then she found love in that country with someone else for a time. This was a period of personal growth for her. She did not come back to the states until she knew he couldn't and wouldn't hurt her anymore. I think there was about five years of no contact between them before she could see him again and he made amends. That was huge because he'd never acknowledged that he was abusive before that. And then he became seriously ill and she forgave him. Not only because she had never stopped loving him, but also because she now had a strong sense of who she was, and she wasn't someone who put up with abuse anymore. So she had stepped through that door to the other side. So, my point is, that you do no one any good to tolerate abuse, but it is possible to enlighten other people by taking care of yourself. However, you don't do it for him or anyone else -- Cookie may never wake up to see the harm he is doing to you. YOU have to wake up and put yourself in a truly safe place, without all the wistfulness and wishing things were better than they are.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.
 Last edited by nycindie; 03-19-2012 at 07:38 PM.
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#264
03-19-2012, 04:56 PM
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__________________
The major players. Me, under-30 bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 3+ years. Clay, new boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/"it's complicated." The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. June and Royce, Izzy's partners.
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#265
03-20-2012, 08:09 PM
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A brief update before our trip:
We communicated with Cookie. I communicated what I want and expect of him and he said that he wants that also. Hooray for communication! He was/is worried that he is expendable since I already have Vanilla and that he should try to find a primary also and not rely exclusively on me, but doesn't believe there is a better match out there for him. And he's mainly scared of being left alone, if/when I realize I don't need him anymore. Vanilla is much relieved now that she feels her problem is not with poly but with this particular metamour.
__________________
"Resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems the root of our spiritual disease." "In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper - list people, institutions and principles with whom you are angry. Ask yourself why you are angry." "In most cases it was found out that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. We were sore, burnt-up." Alcoholics Anonymous, 64-65.
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#266
03-20-2012, 08:17 PM
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#267
03-20-2012, 08:22 PM
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__________________
Hot chick in the city.
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#268
03-23-2012, 09:37 PM
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#269
03-30-2012, 12:16 AM
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Big news
We're engaged! Yay for me, yay for us, yay for Vanilla!
My mum warned me that often when people make a big commitment to each other, like getting engaged, married, buying property or deciding to try for kids, the relationships might experience some turbulent times, because of all the fears and insecurities around making such a big, visible commitment. Vanilla's been really down lately because of what she sees as our waning sex life. I see that the problem lately has been more of recurrent infections she's had, which have also significantly altrered her sexual response. I'm trying to learn how to touch her all over again and I'm fumbling. To fight back Lesbian Bed Death, we've settled down three nights a week for sex, and marked them on our calendar (that wall calendar of ours is getting a lot of action these days!). Orgasms have a really significant effect on Vanilla's mood, in that she gets very depressed without regular sex (masturbation doesn't cut it, but only adds to the frustration). Also, we've started to read Sexual Intimacy for Women self-help book.
__________________
"Resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems the root of our spiritual disease." "In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper - list people, institutions and principles with whom you are angry. Ask yourself why you are angry." "In most cases it was found out that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. We were sore, burnt-up." Alcoholics Anonymous, 64-65.
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#270
04-01-2012, 08:22 PM
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I had a miscarriage. A really minor one, the thing wasn't even a month old, but I'm feeling sad nevertheless. Sad and relieved at the same time. Like I didn't even know it was there until it was already gone, and I'm mourning for something that I didn't even know I'd miss.
Cookie's reaction: "Wow, you just saved me 40,000 on alimony. That's a lot of money, you know". He so needs to go.
__________________
"Resentment destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems the root of our spiritual disease." "In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper - list people, institutions and principles with whom you are angry. Ask yourself why you are angry." "In most cases it was found out that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. We were sore, burnt-up." Alcoholics Anonymous, 64-65.
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