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  #11  
Old 03-18-2012, 11:18 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Thank you for the welcome. I don't know if its bravery so much as a need to have some understanding and advice and maybe even some guidance. I have begun to read some other posts but haven't gotten that far yet unfortunately. As for the kids, they have all my love but not all time. I have to pay attention to one and cannot pay attention to the other. They have feelings of jealousy and frustration from that. But they don't have a choice as in I'm only one dad. Sharing my fiance with someone else means that I always putting her first but that isn't true for her. My life is full of little time and lots of stress. Knowing that she is committing herself to someone who doesn't benefit me feels like a loss to me. That is selfish on my part but I want to give 100% of myself to someone who wants the same. More than love I've never cheated but now I'm allowing my fiance to have another partner. I believe that humans are not meant to be monogamous but we are due to complications in emotions and feelings. I don't know how to watch all the little things in relationship blossom between two people in front of my eyes. Watch pictures of them go up on the mantle, cards and flowers exchanged etc. I can get past the sex but the love will kill me. On the flip side of this as she has told me today that she doesn't think she could do what I'm doing. That she's sorry for hurting me but she thinks I'm brave for even considering the idea to begin with. I've told her that if I didn't have the feelings I had for her I would've already been gone. But I would keep an open mind on all of this.
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:43 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first.
But this isn't true, by your own experience and admission. Not only was your ex definitely NOT thinking of you or putting you first when she cheated and lied in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but your current fiance took time to go out with her friends when you thought she'd be home with you. And I have kids as well, so I also know there are plenty of times when the kids are first anyways! As has already been stated, no one can be another person's everything. We all have friends, family, interests that take up space in our brain. Our brains are amazing things, though. They can handle quite a bit. I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my partner, AND I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my husband. Sometimes those times overlap, sometimes they don't. They are both far more likely to be affected by having to share time and attention with the kids than with each other, though.

Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:21 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What is your living arrangement? Are your living together? If so is it your place...her place....both on the lease or mortgage?
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  #14  
Old 03-19-2012, 02:52 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Hello, and welcome.

I agree with others, the deadline is unreasonable.

I am also going to start putting money in the bank everytime someone here decides that monogamy isn`t working for them, therefore it must suck for all humans. I should end up with retirement cash, fairly soon.
It seems to be a newbie /self-centered thought, that causes people to make such statements. If you don`t want the rest of the world to assume monogamy on you, then you shouldn`t assume polyamory onto others.
I am not sure what the in-the-know poly`s call this, but I dub it as being part of the 'Jones Club' . They still want to keep up with their neighbours. People aren`t really letting their mind open to new ways of living. Instead, they just run in a parrallel universe to monogamy. They build similar expectations, similar outlooks, ...they just do it with more people. So instead of running around preaching monogamy as being the 'only way' they flip, and say non-monogamy is the only way.
So if you do this, do it because you actually believe in it. Not because you have a need for a new-normal.

Back to your personal issue : Your fiance is caught up in NRE, so of course she wants to rush things while she still feels it. She does need to slow down. You have a lot of baggage from your ex and her cheating. This will be part of what needs to be sorted out, in order to look into polyamory in a healthy way.

Your fiance needs to understand that this isn`t just her journey, it is yours as well. Learning experiences are not a one-way street.

Good luck.

Last edited by SourGirl; 03-19-2012 at 06:03 PM.
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  #15  
Old 03-19-2012, 05:30 PM
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Hello and welcome on my part as well.

And: What SourGirl said. I have been in the position of your wife, my love interest moved in with us right away and it worked out. BUT: IF my husband would have needed time to process things and wrap his mind around it, Lin (love interest at that time) and I were prepared to give him a considerable period of time to do so. Lin guessed that his maximum would have been around a year. Mine would have been less, one feels pressured to take action because of all those overwhelming feelings, but she really needs to bear in mind that this isn't her thing alone. For this kind of relationship to work, you have to be part of it as well. And this doesn't mean in a resentful, hesistant, or whatever kind of negative way.

I wrote about our experience with opening our marriage in a blog in the Life stories and blog section on this forum. Maybe you can find some things of interest. I hope you will be able to come to an agreement with your wife as long as you figure things out. You have every right to ask of her to slow down.

Good luck.
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  #16  
Old 03-19-2012, 06:22 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.

I hope I did the quote on here correctly : )

I do feel like i'm on overload. I hate to sound like I'm complaining but I finally am moving forward from past experiences and trying to become a better version of myself. I was thinking the deadline was unfair and have even told her that. She's somewhat staunch on setting that time line though.

As for me having a second relationship, I have considered the possibility and funny enough while posting yesterday and replying my fiance came up to my work to visit for lunch. While doing so I spoke to her about the research I had been doing the replies I have gotten and my feelings. More so than that I told her that she needs to realize that there's a chance that our relationship will end with this. I was very kind about it and honestly very loving as well. I told her that we don't choose who we love but we choose who we have relationships with. I don't fault her for having feelings for this guy. I don't hate her either. I'm upset yes, frustrated and angry about it but I'm not mad at her as much as I'm mad at the situtaiton. I told her we would sit down and talk about all this and look at every single situation possible. A suggestion that I had thrown out there was her moving out and moving in with this guy for maybe two weeks to a month. We could see each other on Saturdays and she could see the kids then and even spend the night as well. Go back to causally dating. My reason for asking her to move out is that I could not handle thinking of her getting ready to go out on a date with this guy, kissing him and being affectionate with him. I think it would break my heart. I had also told her though that now that she has brought this up there is no turning back now. If I was to tell her I don't agree with her seeing this guy and she decided to stay with me and try to let him go then I would always be left wondering if she was doing it behind my back, if she was happy with just me, if she only made the decision to stay because of the kids etc. Though I did tell her also though that once she was out of our place that I would begin to work on making new friends and acquaintances. That if she was going to explore her feelings then maybe I should to. That I wasn't looking for a new person in my life or a new relationship but would it be bad to turn down a date from someone who asked me? I also told her that while exploring her feelings with him that she may find that she that she is truly in love with him and that he is what I'm not but even more. I think I understand that in poly it's how a person complements someone else and brings the best out of them. That one person cannot always do that for one other person and it can take a second or more to accomplish that. I know there is much more to it than that, but I'm not sure I can handle that. She began to cry in the car. I watched the tears roll down one after another. It was funny though because as I sat there telling her all these things I do so in this excited passionate voice filled with love. I wasn't angry I was excited to share what I had learned with her and what I was feeling. I was really communicating with her. I asked her why the tears and all she could she say was "what have I done?" She told me she couldn't imagine not falling asleep every night in my arms, in our bed. She couldn't imagine not being there when the kids wake up and seeing them throughout the day. More so she couldn't imagine me dating someone else. Couldn't imagine the thought of me experiencing love outside of herself. But, I have come to realize in the end I want her to be happy. That is the most important thing for me. But I want to be happy to. I want to be someone who I can explore with and live out my dreams and theirs as well. I told her that after her exploration with this guy that we may not be together because he is better for her than me. That may not sound realistic but I want to look at every possibility. Can't the greatest gift to give someone else be to be let them go and be free to explore? If it is really in the cards for two people to be together than it will happen? I feel as if though that the guy she is talking to whom I have met on several occasions has a very utopian view on everything. I can see her thoughts changing toward that same view from spending so much time with him. I don't think it's a bad thing it just seems that she felt like at first that "why don't I get that we could all be one happy family?" Now bringing up the reality that I may not want to stick around and even more so that I may want to date others that she is starting to think that it sounds great as long as I don't have to see him doting on anyone else.
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  #17  
Old 03-19-2012, 06:26 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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We are living together and have been for about two years. Both on the lease for an apartment which funny enough, we are up for renewal in one week.
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  #18  
Old 03-19-2012, 06:44 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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[QUOTE=SourGirl;129378]Hello, and welcome.

I am also going to start putting money in the bank everytime someone here decides that monogamy isn`t working for them, therefore it must suck for all humans. I should end up with retirement cash, fairly soon.
It seems to be a newbie /self-centered thought, that causes people to make such statements. If you don`t want the rest of the world to assume monogamy on you, then you shouldn`t assume polyamory onto others.
I am not sure what the in-the-know poly`s call this, but I dub it as being part of the 'Jones Club' . They still want to keep up with their neighbours. People aren`t really letting their mind open to new ways of living. Instead, they just run in a parrallel universe to monogamy. They build similar expectations, similar outlooks, ...they just do it with more people. So instead of running around preaching monogamy as being the 'only way' they flip, and say non-monogamy is the only way.
So if you do this, do it because you actually believe in it. Not because you have a need for a new-normal.
QUOTE]


Wow. That is quite a way to put it all into perspective. I would look forward to hear more of what your thoughts are on the subject if/when you have time. You have quite a poignant analogy on this.

As for the journey part of it, I completely agree as well. My overall concern though is that the journey we are now taking is somewhat corrupted by his thoughts and feelings on the subject. That sounds like jealousy at the very least I'm sure but this journey has begun due to her feelings for him and their talks together based upon his sex life and what he has done and how he feels. I have asked her to be honest with me and if we are going to go down this road to at least explore every option together no matter the outcome then we need to be talking about everything. I came home from work a few days ago and seen she had purchased the book "The Ethical Slut". I have not had a chance to do more than glance over a few pages but it honestly sounded like a good find to begin to read over and have some better understanding. On the other side of that though she has always been against porn or anything porn related. If I had bought this book and brought it home or something similar she would've chopped my head off. But now it's kosher all of a sudden. I'm not mad she got it I was upset that she didn't say a word about it and I have to find it on my own. I want to feel like we are in step with each other and on the same page. This is just a small example of what's been slowly happening with her. There honestly has been a ton more where I have been feeling left out or out of the loop.
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  #19  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:03 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Thank you for the welcome : )

I will definetly look for the blog you spoke about. I'm sure I can glean some useful information from it. I wonder if that's more normal than I would expect for someone's love to move in right away? I know my fiance has spoken about us all living together at one point and being together. I just feel like that is crowding in on my space. My fiance with her timeline is now trying to point out things to me about him that he and I have in common. She wants me to try to see how we are similar and we can be friends and possibly more. The times I have been around him we do get along but there is something that I can't put my finger on that I can't get past. I know this is me being over analytical and also having the feelings of hurt and frustration but I don't know if he is actually a genuine nice guy. Does that make sense? I just keep getting this underlying feeling like he knows what he's doing and he knows how to influence my finace and is working his way in. When the three of us are all together we get along and have fun. When it's been him and I for a few moments he starts to change a little. Just very subtle in a way that I feel like either he's putting on a show or there is something else. I know I may be crazy and looking for a reason to not like him, but I can't shake this. I can't shake the feeling as if he's just waiting me out...
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  #20  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:08 PM
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I didn't wanted to say that you have to be OK with him entering your life completely, don't misunderstand. It worked out for us, meaning: it CAN be possible, but it doesn't have to be. Don't put up with something you don't feel comfortable about. Not everyone is the same and able to handle things similar. On the contrary, I would strongly suggest that she stops pushing that way if you aren't comfortable with it. (My blog is linked in my signature, but there are others as well that give great insight )
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