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Old 03-18-2012, 06:27 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Default Completely New To This and Need Some Advice

Hi All!

I'm in the Kansas City area and with two kids and a beautiful fiance who I'm absolutlely in love with. We have been together for over two years no but about six months ago things were going horrible between the two of us. I was pushing her away and she made a a new friend with another man. Now this man is someone who she now has serious feelings for and has asked me to consider with her a poly relationship. I have two kids under four from a previous relationship who spend most of their time with us and we have raising together. He has one child under four who has it not allowed to see very often. She says she thinks she is in love with him and has told me that it is either us three or nothing at this point. To say the least I'm scared and confused and frustrated and angry and just plain lost. A poly relationship is something I know very little about. She is my best friend and we are an amazing team. He and I scarily enough are very similar and more than likely would be fast friends. But these thoughts of having to see her being affectionate with someone else the way she is with me is something I cannot handle. She has presented this to me just a week ago and has told me I have about two weeks to make a decision. She says she still wants to marry me and be with me forever but that she wants to try this with him as well. We had broken up when things were bad but she wanted to make things work with us and has told me she can't imagine a day without me. But she says this guy complements her in all the ways that I don't. She says she is a better person because of him.She also says that this is not about the sex, it's about exploring here feeling for him. But my thoughts keep going back to having to see her face look at his as he is inside of her with that look of love she has for me. I hate the thought of having to come home and see them cuddling on the couch. I feel as if she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I know that my thoughts are so riddled with jealousy but how can I be ok with the woman I love doing things for me and someone else when all my focus is just on her. It's as if I only get half of her but she would get the whole of both of us. I'm afraid to tell her that I feel as of right now I'm going to say no to this and lose her. I thought we would be together the two of us forever. Furthermore, having two kids I'm not sure I want them to see this. I would be more ok with trying this if it wasn't for having kids. I think I really need some advice and some understanding from anyone else out there who has or is going through this. S
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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1 ....I'd have a problem with the deadline .... And 2 ...if you don't want half focus and half time then walk ...you're not wrong for wanting that. I 'd kill all wedding plans ....put that off indefinitely.

Good luck

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-18-2012 at 09:59 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few thoughts...

Why did you push her away six months ago? What was so horrible between you two?

If you do agree to poly:
  • you can ask for things to move slowly;
  • you don't have to come home to find them on the couch. You can establish boundaries that make your home or specific rooms off-limits;
  • don't think that just because she wants this, that it means she will jump into bed with this guy right away. This is the time to sit down and negotiate what is comfortable for both of you;
  • be sure to discuss safer sex practices; and
  • you wouldn't get "half of her." That's nonsense. Are you ever half a person? She is a whole person wherever she goes. Of course, if you feel her attention is elsewhere, you can speak up and tell her.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:27 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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It wasn't that things were horrible it was that I was having trust issues due to my ex wife. My ex had cheated on me multiple times including with my best friend and got pregnant by another man and trying to pass it off as mine. My fiances schedule and mine are contradictory a lot of the time and with two kids we rarely have time for one another. She had gotten a new job and made new friends and the times when I thought she would be home from work and we would see each other she wanted to go out with her friends and did so. We began to see less and less of each other and our communication went to shit. For awhile I was comparing her to my ex thinking that she was doing the same stuff my ex was. That went on for three months and the past three months we I have been slowly trying to repair things incliding finally delaing with what my ex did to me.

As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first. In poly it feels like she would be thinking about him part of the time and not me. She would be looking forward to her dates with him not with me. I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't. This is the person I choose to want to be with but they now want someone else and I can't fullfill things for her. I feel like I'm in a competition with this guy. I caan deal with and compete with sex but love is something I can't... I feel so absolutely lost...
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:35 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Thanks for the thought... I think back to other relationships were this honestly I would be 100% ok with. But with her I want all of her not parts of. On top of that she already has a very well established relationship with another man whom I really don't know that well. I'm the outsider here between her and him. I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship. Not that they could fire me over it they would just blackball me and try to force me out. I make a great income and provide for her and I and my kids while she is in school. We would be in a dire situation if something leaked.
As for the wedding plans...(sigh) I guess that is a really valid point.

as for the deadline though...why?

Last edited by matellas; 03-18-2012 at 08:41 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't.
You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship.
Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before making big changes. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. Let her know your fears. Talk, talk, talk. From the heart. Don't be afraid to let her see how vulnerable you feel.

How old are the two of you?
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-18-2012 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 09:01 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

In the beginning we were everything to each other. For about the first year or more. Then I got a promotion and got busy working 80-90 hours a week. She wants to be treated as number one (after the kids of course) and for awhile she wasnt getting that from me due to work. I know she can have friends and other things as well. We both want those things but as I have asked her why can't it stay friends? This sounds silly but she used to tell me I was her Edward from twilight and that now this guy is her jacob. I don't know if that reference helps any or not. The romance part for me is harder than the sex. Not to be graphic but I could almost handle her inside of him. I can't handle the look on her face of love when she is.

Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before anything happens. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. let her know yoru fears. Talk, talk, talk.

How old are the two of you?
As for the urgency I think its because she doesn't want to wait on this. There is such a chemistry between the two of them that she can't handle it going on for much longer. It drives me crazy. He spent the night last night as we were all drinking. He slept on the couch and nothing happened. But just having him there when she is in the room with him and i'm not I'm becoming paranoid. I'm barely getting sleep before I go to work because I have this fear something will happen when I'm not around. She promises it won't until I say yes or no. Actually as far as I know from what she has told me he has no idea that she is thinking this. I'm sure he has assumptions but nothing has been discussed.

I'm 34 and she is 28.

Last edited by matellas; 03-18-2012 at 09:04 PM.
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  #8  
Old 03-18-2012, 09:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Can you fix that quote? It's a little confusing. Just put this: [/QUOTE] after my words "with other people as well." Then put this: [QUOTE=nycindie;129257] just before "Now you are getting ahead of yourself..." Don't change anything else. You have 12 hours to edit a post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
As for the urgency I think its because...
You think this is it, but that means you don't know. You can't go forward operating on assumptions. Ask her what is going on in her head and why she's in such a rush. Is she giving you an ultimatum? Remember that you don't have to accept her proposal. You can tell her poly is not for you. Or you find a way to work it out.

You might find it helpful to print out two of the following documents, on "Creating Authentic Relationship," "Open Relationship Checklist," "Reflecting on Change [in Relationships]," and "[Poly] Self Evaluation." These are from Tristan Taormino's website. Both of you can fill them in individually and discuss your answers together:

Free worksheets (pdf) from Tristanís Book Opening Up
Click on each link to open a PDF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
Actually as far as I know from what she has told me he has no idea that she is thinking this. I'm sure he has assumptions but nothing has been discussed.
Maybe he won't even be interested in dating someone who already has a partner. It would seem that the key for all of you in this whole situation is clear, direct, honest communication! If you do choose to consent to polyamory in your relationship, I would then talk to him ASAP.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-18-2012 at 09:39 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:29 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Thank you I will fix the quote. Sorry about the mistake
Funny I just got off the phone with her while I was here at work. She wants the deadline because of her feelings for him and so she can explore those feelings. As for him not being interested he's definetly interested. The reason that this whole thing came up was that a few weeks ago we were all out having a few drinks and this topic came up. My fiance had never heard of it and began to do a little research and is thinking this might solve all of the issues. She can be with me and him and not have to sacrifice anything including being with my kids.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:41 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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matellas, welcome to the forum. I think it's pretty brave of you to come here and talk about it.

I'm wondering if you're reading other stories here. I think you could learn a lot about 'how it works' and that there is no one single way to 'do' polyamory. Every group has to work out what works for them.

My other question is about your kids. Do each of them only get half of you in love?
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