New to polyamory

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Qarzan

The metaphor is: my emotions aren't a light switch that can be turned on and off at will; it's a bonfire. Over the past weekend, H and I gathered the kindling on Thursday, lit the kindling on Saturday, and piled on more wood on Sunday. The fire was big and bright, and burned hot.

Then on Monday, we tried to hide and contain it. But, how do you hide a 12-foot flame? Somehow we managed, but I'm sure there were quite a few people who could tell there was a fire that we were trying to hide.

On Tuesday, she was gone, and I was left with this huge bonfire, burning bright and hot. I was expected to snuff it out, or at least contain it to a manageable size.

Who says that when she's not in town you can't still have a big huge flame burning? It seems like you have a bit of tunnel vision with this relationship and are forgetting that she has other people in her life, and you potentially do as well. There can be a multitude of flames burning all at the same time. But leaving the metaphors behind, it sounds like H. is being honest with you about the limitations she has surrounding how involved she can be. It isn't her responsibility to nurture your emotional health, that's up to you.

I hate to say this, but to me, you do come off as a little needy and clingy in your expectations of H., and I think you need to wake up a bit, get your feet back on the ground, don't look for her to take care of you, and start seeing the reality of the situation and just enjoy it. If you start laying a heavy trip on her, likely it will not bode well for you, so ease up on the expectations or she will be gone. That's how I see it, anyway.

I'll tell you what I remind myself of when starting a new relationship: that I always want to be a source of lightness and refuge for my partner, someone with whom they can enjoy their time and experience pleasure. I feel that being with me should never be stressful or a downer in the early stages of a romance. I don't dismiss any negative feelings I have, I just don't burden any new partners with the crap in my head. I still communicate what needs to be said, but I work it out elsewhere beforehand to get clear on what, exactly, that is. I do this because I would rather take care of myself than be "high maintenance" for someone else.

Not only do I learn a lot about myself this way, but what I've found is that my lovers appreciate me as someone with whom they feel safe and free to be themselves. They then let themselves get close to me without my asking them to. Which means more to me than if they met any demands/wishes I had that they let me in, help me deal with it, etc. It's a slower process and very challenging because I am used to jumping all in right away. However, if I can be patient, when we do reach a stage of deeper closeness and intimacy, then, I feel the relationship has a better foundation for me to express the more difficult stuff, my insecurities, etc. -- but in the beginning, that needy shit's a killer. Unfortunately, I found that out the hard way. So, it has helped me enormously to take this tack.