Coming Out as a Poly to Your Mono Partner

[NovemberRain]

Well, then maybe you could start in a much smaller way. Maybe by letting more things be about what you want.

No, honey, I want to go *here* for dinner tonight.
Thank you for the coffee, hunny, but what I really want is tea.
I want to visit my parents this weekend, can we visit yours next weekend?
I think child should learn how to fish (or chop wood, or be in boy scouts, or whatever).

Practice 'letting it be about what you want' on a much smaller scale, and see how that goes.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by HotPepper

And I saw the look in my current SO's eyes when I was planning on leaving her 2 yrs ago, I was already starting to see someone else (bottom line - I cheated on her) but she was devastated and I couldn't stand myself for hurting her. I went back to her. I always think of myself as tougher then everyone else. But that's not true. I know that i need to lead my life on my terms and have like-minded people with me on the journey.

Just wondering:

Did you ever tell her you cheated?

And another thing. Any talk of poly might be a trigger for her, as in, she might recall that time 2 years ago when you tried to break up with her. Just a guess.

[Phy]

I would second Arrowbound, if you told her and the thing is up in the open, this will be a problem when telling her now that you want to be with other people, trust has been broken once, why not twice could be her reasoning. IF you didn't tell her back then, she may have guessed something, you have to be prepared that this stuff will come up again and then it will be ugly if you now want to tell her that you want other relationships. You have been dishonest with her already, why should she believe you that you will behave differently this time?

Aside from that problem, I know what it feels like to wait for years to finally stand up for your feelings and the person you have become. I have been in a similar situation and had to confront my husband with a new love that had developed over time already. The worrying about what might be and the what-ifs had been harder than the actual conversation. There had just been a point when I couldn't take to ignore myself anymore and I choose me over the status quo that we had established. When I did it, I noticed that even if this was a big step, my husband and I had done those steps all the time. It was another adjustment we did to the changes the respective other had gone through over the years. Each change could have been the end of the relationship if the other would have said 'That's it, I have had enough.' but we never did. It was a proof for the health of our relationship and each other's wish to stay together.

Wishing you luck.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

Practice 'letting it be about what you want' on a much smaller scale, and see how that goes.

Ahhh, NovemberRain's suggestion is excellent! Reread her post a few times.

[Somegeezer]

"I wasn't ready to hear that my mother had passed away, but someone had to make that phone call and tell me. Sometimes the people we love will just never be ready to hear difficult communications. Must we then always pussyfoot around them, at our own expense? We can still deliver difficult and painful communications compassionately and lovingly. All we can ask is that the receiver listen to us, but we have no control over what they do with the information. So, avoiding saying what needs to be said doesn't really protect anyone."

I absolutely love this from Indie.

As well as the fact you say you're been with this woman for 13 YEARS! How slow is slow exactly?

[Icewraithonyx]

Well, you said that she knows about you reading poly resources so that's a start. Wife and I saw an episode of Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t which examined the "Ozzie and Harriet" relationship model, which included a segment on non-monogamy. Might be a good starting point for a discussion if you can find it. Think it was Sn 2...

[bassman]

HotPepper

Just want to say that your story is soooooooo close to mine! I'm also up against religion here with my wife. But things ARE moving forward, she is at least less and less judgemental of many things, and lately, that includes non-monogamy.

[MorningTwilight]

OP, it sounds like you're looking for a recipe for how to come out to your SO in some kind of a gentle way that will absolutely, positively, prevent your SO from leaving.

There isn't one. I've looked hard for one, and have spent a lot of time here and elsewhere. It boils down to this: use kind words and kind language, but DO share your feelings honestly. Maybe in the first conversation, stop at that--don't ask for anything, just tell your SO how you have been feeling, and how much it has been hurting to bottle it up (if you're anything like me, you don't have a choice in the matter; it's how you're wired: repeatedly falling in love and deliberately letting that love die of neglect HURTS, and that will happen to you over and over again for the rest of your life if you try to live as a mono), and how scared you have been (and of what).

Then STFU and let your SO talk. If your SO doesn't want to talk, then continue and perhaps say something like, "You don't have to say anything, and I'm not asking for any kind of a decision right now. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you--in fact, this is not about you at all; it's about who and what I am, and I need to be able to be honest about that. I do not want to leave you, and I will not act without your consent; however, I do need you to really consider this: read about it, think about it, talk with people and ask questions about it, and talk with me about it. Take your time."

If there is nothing happening for a couple of weeks, gently prod again. Offer to send a link or two (e.g., morethantwo.com), or read a book together (e.g., Ethical Slut). If you get an outright dismissal or an ultimatum, then you have a hard choice to make. You can take the chickenshit approach that I have followed for the past ten months--of cramming your poly self into a mono-shaped slot and being too scared to talk (which does not work and results in sleepless nights, panic attacks, and an inner feeling of betrayal whenever you look at your SO and feel like you're going to shatter her happiness when you finally have the conversation), or you can tell your beloved SO the truth: you are unhappy, and you can see that she would be unhappy if you lived poly, so you have to go your separate ways and find your own happiness. Tell her you support her whatever she decides (this is especially important if she is financially dependent upon you), and that you will always love her and will always be there for her, even if you are no longer together.

You have to be resigned to the very real possibility that this discussion could unwind your relationship. There is no way to have this discussion without taking that risk. There just isn't.

[Savage]

I have had a symelar difficult dilemma, my thread titled "should I tell my wife" is where my story is, in short you are going to have to tell her.
Quote:
"There isn't one. I've looked hard for one, and have spent a lot of time here and elsewhere. It boils down to this: use kind words and kind language, but DO share your feelings honestly. Maybe in the first conversation, stop at that--don't ask for anything, just tell your SO how you have been feeling, and how much it has been hurting to bottle it up (if you're anything like me, you don't have a choice in the matter; it's how you're wired: repeatedly falling in love and deliberately letting that love die of neglect HURTS, and that will happen to you over and over again for the rest of your life if you try to live as a mono), and how scared you have been (and of what).

Then STFU and let your SO talk. If your SO doesn't want to talk, then continue and perhaps say something like, "You don't have to say anything, and I'm not asking for any kind of a decision right now. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you--in fact, this is not about you at all; it's about who and what I am, and I need to be able to be honest about that. I do not want to leave you, and I will not act without your consent; however, I do need you to really consider this: read about it, think about it, talk with people and ask questions about it, and talk with me about it. Take your time."

I think this is great advice.
Even armed with this advice it ain't easy, think about it, mabe even make some notes about what you need to say, I find writing things out help clarify what is in my head.
Whatever the outcome is it will be better than not saying anything in the long run. Also the sooner the better, life is too short.

Savage.

[lovefromgirl]

Originally Posted by HotPepper

Did you start out your life not realising you were Poly? Or not admitting to yourself and your mono partners that you were poly (ie., maybe because you felt too guilty about being poly and could not bring yourself to tell them)?

Yes and no. Yes, because until I found the internet, I had no words for loving more than one person, and struggled with whether the words applied to me thereafter. By the time I was twenty-one or so, I did get it worked out. Too late for the summer I tried to have my cake and eat it too; too late for the well-meaning boy who objected to the cuddle-and-tickle I had with another nice boy. Not too late to be finding myself still, though. Not too late to be growing into myself.

Have you been in long-term mono relationships, and let them go because they were not fulfilling your needs to love and be loved by more then one person?

Actually, I'm notorious for deciding not to make those relationships long-term. Something's not right? Well, I won't let him get his hopes up!

At that time, I had never heard of polyamory and thought there was something wrong with me.

The only difference between us is that I was in my mid-teens when I heard about polyamory. There but for the grace of a 28.8 modem go I.

I can not cure myself of polyamory. And quite frankly, after studying for some time now, I can tell you I no longer feel polyamory to be an disease and no longer feel guilty. That's been a big step for me, and as a lurker on this forum for some time, I know I will find like-minds here who can relate to my story.

Don't forget to talk things over with the partner you do have. You never know when a monogamous relationship can successfully transition into mono/poly. You owe it to your partner to let hir make some decisions, too.