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Old 03-15-2012, 06:08 AM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 31
Default New and still figuring this out...

Hubby and I have been involved in the swinger lifestyle for many years off and on. For the last couple of years we have felt (and honestly before that) that the swinger arrangement though fun was lacking in something and felt empty. We had searched for "friends with benefits" for a long time and met great people but it never really panned out to be anything long standing because, well having a connection beyond sex in the lifestyle seems to be discouraged. At this point even friend’s with benefits doesn’t feel like the right fit.

So... Recently we met a couple that is more interested in a poly sort of relationship. It seems our ideal of a poly relationship is similar. A community sort of feeling between the four of us, a romantic pairing between the m/f couples and close friendship between the gentlemen & ladies (while I am bi she is only curious at this point). We envision date nights for our separate pairings and guys/girls nights out. We have talked about building real relationships and exclusivity between us. This is a very Utopian ideal and makes me wonder if it's even possible to maintain.

They had been in a similar relationship for nearly a year and recently ended. It appears they were left holding the bag when it ended very abruptly and though they admit it wasn't the best fit they were both hurt. As a result they want to take things very slow. As this is very new for us as well we are in total agreement.

Hubby and I had never 'played' separately before now. So far we've been getting together 1-2 times a week for separate dates. I have found this extremely liberating. The one on one time is very nice but also it’s freeing to know Hubby is enjoying time with her and I'm not jealous. I actually feel extremely happy for him to see him come home with a smile on his face knowing he's enjoying himself and connecting with her.

So that's the background...

Here are the concerns...

There is a bit of a discrepancy in attention shown between she and him. He and I talk every day. We talk about everything from sex to politics and religion. She talks to him as well but not nearly as often and nothing too deep, more lighthearted banter. Some days it's a "Hope you have a great day" and that's it. While Hubby realizes she has a busy schedule and communicates differently it can feel not so fun when my conversations are very different and more in depth. We realize no two relationships can be on the exact same page as another but it's so new for us and Hubby is more black & white, he'd like to know where he stands vs. is she going along for the ride because her Hubby is connecting so well with me. We’re pretty good at communicating so far between the four of us but how/should you address such a concern? He’s tried to let her know he’d like to have more time to talk to her but doesn’t want to pressure. The biggest thing for him is he doesn’t want to feel it’s more of a sexual thing than a connection. We are at a point that we want more than that.

The second concern is our lifestyles. We are in similar age brackets going to school and have a lot of similar interests. However, they don't have children (we have a young child) and enjoy going out to pubs and getting together with friends often. We on the other hand spend a significant more time at home. We don't like the idea of bringing people in and our child's world (not that we would share with our lil one that we were anything other than friends). However, we would like to do normal things in which our child could be present. However the vibe we get from them thus far is they don't care to get together unless it's sans child. This feels off...I can't imagine having a loving relationship with someone and cut out an entire part of my life as if it's doesn't exist. Not that I expect them to be an involved part of our child's life but to have them come over after our child is in bed or to always find a sitter if we get more involved feels off to me.

And finally... Hubby and I have been enamored with our playmates before. It's always nice to like the people you're intimate with. But something about them... or maybe it's just the experience...NRE? How do you manage those first new emotions and behave like a normal person not wanting to rush into things too quickly?
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