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  #11  
Old 11-24-2009, 05:53 AM
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First of all Ilove2men, thank you for feeling safe enough to broach this delicate topic for yourself. Thank you for sharing your story with us too. I am always left feeling so honoured that people would share a part of themselves that is so deep. Completely honoured.

I find it very sad that you don't experience connection when you are having sex with your fiance. I'm glad to here that you do in other ways and I sincerely hope that you merge the two at some point. The results are incredible.

I have done some hard work in regards to past experiences that happened to me throughout my life in various ways. I don't think any of it influences me any more thankfully. I feel very fortunate that I got help as soon as I saw I needed it and that that part of my life is over now.

I would suggest perhaps using your cuddle time to move forward into moving that feeling into sexual times.... perhaps if you ask him not to have his own agenda at all in your love making for an occasion. Perhaps if you were to move your fiances hand over your body as it suits you and direct his actions when you feel ready to move your mind to feel connection. Slowly you could move your body to allow him to enter you at your own pace. Again, no agenda on his part. It wouldn't be necessary for him to cum, or you for that matter, but to experience the feeling of moving together and feeling connected together as one. I wonder if either of you could end the whole session if the old feelings of separateness return. Or let the whole experience lead to orgasm as you see fit. You'd need a lot of time I think...
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  #12  
Old 11-24-2009, 06:14 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.
SO get that one my dear. I so get that one!!!!
Hell of a road to travel resolving that one.

Wish you the BEST (most sincerely) of luck!!!
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  #13  
Old 11-24-2009, 03:32 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Ceoli, I went through something similar where anyone who showed and interest in me made my stomach turn and I would lash out if someone was being to aggressive in pursuing me. I knew someone who specifically targeted small women who was in fact a child molester and with me being 5'1 and 96 lbs I questioned why anyone would truly be attracted to me in a healthy way. So I avoided everyone who showed interest in me.

So, I had to take a good hard look at myself physically and litterally trace my finger on the mirror over every curvy part of my body and embrace myself as a woman.

Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.
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  #14  
Old 11-24-2009, 03:50 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Redpepper, that's exactly what I want to explore. Connecting with him beforehand and trying to maintain it while being physical and if I lose that connection stop the physical part and reconnect emotionally again. I think it will take a lot of time as well, but I am excited of the possibility of success.

It would be wonderful to be a fly on the wall and see someone else in this vunerable state and witness the outcome. Speaking about all of this has me envisioning this happening to myself and the biggest think I notice is that the vision of it triggers thoughts of vunerability and is this something I will feel safe in. So I see that this will be a very sensitive issue for me to overcome. That will take a lot of trust in myself. I do trust him with my safety. Its my emotional health that I question. Its scary to think of breaking down and releasing that pain while being physical and what he will think of me during this. I have a strong feeling that I may react that way at first because stepping over that line I've drawn all these years and not even knowing it was there could very well be extremely overwhelming.

I think that as we work on our communication skills I will be able to find the words to explain how delicate this will be for me. My biggest fear is my self defense mechanism has always been to lash out and push away when I feel too vunerable which would be damaging for the both of us. So this is something I need to look deeper into before I am ready to try to merge the two.
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  #15  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:01 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.
You absolutely do not have to reduce your expectations and you *can* overcome such separations! It's difficult to say exactly what you need to do because it's individual for each person. But you seem to have the right idea. Practice connecting intimately first. Then slowly add more sexual elements for that connection. Honestly, receiving massage from your partner can be very illuminating in terms of what kinds of reactions come up. Also, it's good to practice allowing your partner to give to you without expecting anything in return. It's good to practice not worrying about whether you orgasm or not and just focus on the process of connecting. I was lucky to have a partner who challenged and pushed me in very loving ways as I was working on this stuff. I was able to get through those walls with a lot of tears and release in his arms. And things still definitely come up from time to time for me, but I'm very aware of where that comes from and it doesn't take control of my feelings.

It just takes practice. Practice connecting with a partner, practice connecting with yourself and practice telling yourself new good things about you so that you stop practicing telling yourself all the horrible things the abuse told you to tell yourself. (did that make any sense?)

But no. Being abused or raped does not mean that you are permanently damaged goods. You might have a scar or two, but scars do not limit us, they are simply part of the tapestry of our lives.

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-24-2009 at 04:06 PM.
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  #16  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:02 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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PS. Redpepper, I totally wanted to back out of this post when I saw the turn it was taking as I typed. Its a place I didn't want to return to, but in order to grow I must face it. Not only for myself but the people I care about. I don't want to guard myself from them. I also didn't want to post this because this is a poly board and I didn't really feel that where my post turned was relevant. I am glad I took a breath and clicked post because discussing it and getting feed back is really helping me look deeper, faster than I could do on my own. Thanks everyone really, Thank you.
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  #17  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:14 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
It just takes practice. Practice connecting with a partner, practice connecting with yourself and practice telling yourself new good things about you so that you stop practicing telling yourself all the horrible things the abuse told you to tell yourself. (did that make any sense?)
That makes perfect sense. Abuse tells me I am subhuman. I am not good enough to be taken care of. Only good enough to be used for someone else's purpose. It tells me I expect too much if I think someone will love me and care not only for my body, but my spirit as well.... I could go on and on.

Which is why the emotional disconnect. I always tried to keep my spirit safe and unbroken through all of it. As much as the abuse told me these horrible things about myself there was a place deep down inside of me that was safe and I could tell myself I have a beautiful and unique spirit and that at least one person in the world saw the beauty of me... and that person was me and it was my job to protect that precious spirit from the world. So the challenge is to release that spirit around the people I love when im in a vunerable position.
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  #18  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:21 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Which is why the emotional disconnect. I always tried to keep my spirit safe and unbroken through all of it. As much as the abuse told me these horrible things about myself there was a place deep down inside of me that was safe and I could tell myself I have a beautiful and unique spirit and that at least one person in the world saw the beauty of me... and that person was me and it was my job to protect that precious spirit from the world. So the challenge is to release that spirit around the people I love when im in a vunerable position.
That explains it so well and I know that feeling exactly. The good part of that is that you can build a strong sense of self and a really authentic person that way. The hard part is believing that you aren't the only person who is capable of seeing that. Though I would say that I always felt the need to protect that inner spirit because I didn't believe in my own ability to keep that spirit alive while still sharing it with other people. Once I believed that this part of myself was worthy enough to be in the world and not kept protected in my inner sanctum I was able to be open and commit to being open to any love that came my way. That's where I had to change what I was telling myself.
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  #19  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Why is "sex" so complicated ?

Because it is ! But not.........
We (primary/wife and I) can only offer some of what we've learned after being "sexual" since an early age and continue to be. Many moons
We feel it's important to understand that sexuality has a lot of different aspects to it. We also believe it's important for everyone to explore them all to be a complete sexual being. To know what's most important for them.
Sex can be curious, fun & playful, lustful & animalistic and intensely deep/spiritual. We feel none of them are wrong and none of them are less important than the other. (spiritually leaning people will definitely disagree here but this is our views).
We believe acknowledging all these aspects is critical to being balanced, satisfied & happy. Our natural sexuality is a big part of our humanity ! We feel strongly that those unable to embrace that will suffer - sometimes much - because of that.
I seems from your writing that you may be struggling to try to pigeon hole your sexuality into one specific box as being more important than the other. We have found that unproductive at best. We all go through different phases, different moods, different circumstances etc and if it involves sex, trying to pound a square peg in a round hole usually results in a lot of frustration & confusion. And often a broken peg
All we can suggest is that you acknowledge these different needs - all of them very real - and try to get on the same page with your partner. If everyone understands this nature of things and tries to reach out and connect to the other to sense the CURRENT mood/need etc you may find the whole deal is a lot less complicated.
Hell, you can even make up a calendar in advance <grin> ! Monday is "PLAYFUL", Tue is "Wild & Kinky", Wed we do Tantra, Thur is "Orgy Day" etc
Point being - it's all natural - all good. ENJOY it - don't let it become a burden !

GS
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  #20  
Old 11-24-2009, 05:37 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Actually, it has little to do with sex and more to do with emotionally vunerability. I have a very active and healthy sex life. I'm not trying to box it in. I'm trying to merge two connections together to get an even greater outcome.
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