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Old 03-14-2012, 05:53 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Default New to polyamory

Ok, so this is my first post, after my self-introduction post. Didn't think I'd be posting so soon. I'm seeking some advice and opinions about whether or not I'm handling this situation well.

I am a dancer, and I go dancing 3-4 times per week. It's a great way to meet people, and it definitely makes me social, and therefore happy. There's one woman, R, that I've been trying to get closer to. She's timid and shy, but has been reacting well to my advances. The thing is, I'm just not very practiced with being the hunter, and much prefer being the prey.

We carpooled to a dance on Saturday night, and suprisingly the dance instructor, H, started advancing on me very aggressively. I've always admired and respected her, and I couldn't resist at all. I don't think I even wanted to. We ended up kissing out on the dance floor, a few people saw, but R was in the lounge area and I don't think she saw.

R and I have been hanging out recently, but it hasn't escalated to dating yet, so I haven't told her that I'm considering polyamory.

I called H the following day, we went out for dinner. It went really, really well; probably the best first date of my entire life. She's affectionate, positive, our philosophies and religious views are near identical... we went back to her place and hung out with her roommates. We all got along pretty well, but then again, I already knew most of them from before.

It got really late, and I didn't want to make the drive back home at 2am, so I stayed at H's place. We agreed to "keep our clothes on", and it actually helped relieve some of the anxiety and helped us relax more together. Topless makeout sessions ensued. We didn't get much sleep that night.

She mentioned that she was polyamorous before, in her previous marriage, but that she feels it was likely because she was no longer attracted to her husband. She now identifies as monogamous (says that when things get serious, her radar "turns off"), but has 3 other men she's seeing right now. Surprisingly, I wasn't jealous or upset at all.

One other thing: H lives in NYC (I live in the Bay Area). She used to live here, which is how we initially met each other, but then she moved to NYC with (now ex-) boyfriend. She comes by once a month for a little over a week to help run her venue, and the other men she's seeing are in NYC.

Then the following evening, she was running a venue and had asked me to help her teach the class (my first time teaching!). We shared a few dances, but otherwise we stuck to the pre-discussed boundaries for when we were at events together, since she has her professional reputation to consider (I brought up the topic during our date).

Before I left the dance, we talked for a bit, and I asked if it was ok if I continued to "hang out" with R. She said it was fine, and thanked me for asking. I told her that if it ever made her uncomfortable, that she should just let me know. I also said I would tell R that there's someone else as well, and if R asks, I will tell her the name.

Now the plan is, to continue seeing R and see where that leads. The thing is, I don't like the feeling that I'm making all the advances, all the time, which it definitely seems like with R, and is why my encounter with H went so much more smoothly and passionately: H and I both advanced towards each other.

I think the challenge for me is to love R completely and fully, the way that she deserves, without feeling that she's just holding H's place when she's away.

My question is, do you think I'm handling the situation well so far? What advice would you have for someone new to polyamory?
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communication skills, long distance love

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