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  #11  
Old 03-14-2012, 03:46 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by LusciousLemon View Post
I wanted to thank you (and everyone else) for looking beyond the initial view here. I think you hit the nail on the head in that I'd just like to have things going even decently for a short while before I feel like I get broadsided by something else.

I am trying very hard to figure out how to express my feelings to L and B without coming across as harsh or unsupportive. I will support L completely through this pregnancy, even if only as a friend, but that doesn't negate my feelings and I'm trying to figure out how to express that.

L really does almost more than her share in the house. She cooks pretty much all the meals (this is by her choice, cooking is stress relief for her), and often picks up after the children. B has a slightly more than part-time job and they are attempting to get on their feet enough to contribute financially to the house but at the moment the financial contribution is a bit sketchy. We have been splitting food costs for now though, as they have been able to get food stamps due to their low income, so S and I's expenses really have not gone up too much since they moved in (but they haven't gone down either).


This is a frequent enough occurance in the house that it severely limits our ability to spend time together and on some level I was looking forward to the aging of the general child populace of the house to lessen it, while instead now I have the addition of another needy infant to look forward to. L and B are still dealing with initial jealousy enough that they have a "both or none" rule for any physical intimacy beyond a quick kiss and the basic couch snuggle (which is all I've done with either of them at this point). I have no issues with this rule in theory, but considering the seeming near-impossibility of L and I both being child free and available at the same time it just really complicates matters all around.
Hey, no problem, and you are welcome.

I don`t think it is a bad thing at all, to be worried and not quite happy-yet about the pregnancy. That will come with time. When things catch us by surprise, it ultimately tends to work out better. Acknowledge the negative aspects first, build a plan, and then the joy will come. Sounds a-ok to me.

I have 4 kids, and I can relate to the sleep thing. My first 3, I had in a routine, attachment-style as well, and they were pieces of cake. As very young babies, they were wonderful sleepers. They slept with me, then moved on to a crib when they were ready. All being ready around 6 months of age.
I thought all these parents with kids who woke constantly were 'over-coddling' them.
Then I had my 4th one. It`s been her sole mission in life, to show me how little I know. She finally slept through a night at age 3.

It`s one thing to have a baby wake up. It`s another thing entirely to have a small child, who can get up and out of bed of their own free will, wandering the house. It makes a parent jumpy, and can set up that 'trigger-response' scenario, where you jump and check, everytime you hear a noise.
So even when you want to unwind and relax, you technically can`t. Even if the child has been asleep for 3 hours,..all it takes is a creak of a floorboard, and everyone springs up off their chairs.

I am going to suggest some interesting ways to get chat-time.

- I think you might have to look at the option of going to bed MUCH earlier, and getting up earlier. Early in the morning, is when kids tend to be happy to eat, and play amongst themselves for a bit. The day is just getting started, so you wont have that 'parental-guilt' about spending the quality time with them. You`ll know you will see your children later on in the day for that.

- Driving in a car. My husband and I, would go together to MANY places, that we didn`t really need to travel together. Why ? Well glad you asked,.......because you can get a lot accomplished in the 'talking' category when children are buckled into their car seats. Less fighting, less talking, no running around. This is a perfect time to discuss things.


As for L and B,...if YOU feel confident in their abilities to pitch-in around the house, and pitch in to make meals, buy food, clean, and see genuine effort to get ahead,...then I think you can take heart in your worries over their genuine interest in not purposely jerking you around. Usually people who do these things do it subtly in all areas of life, until their true colours show through.

The other side of that, is the fact that it ( relationship) has a good chance of not being what you want, regardless. Some people are down on their luck, because they genuinely have had a rough spot. There is some transitional time, until they get back on their feet again.
Other people are down on their luck, because they have a pattern of making poor choices. The rough spots just cycle, and things don't truly get better. It ends up being a series of highs and lows.

If this is more then 'transitional' type of place in life, that may be why you feel the outsider. Because you are. Your partner might be identifying indirectly with them. She is going through transitions, and struggling, and so are they. That is very bonding. You are being viewed as 'the rock', and the person with their shit-together.

If this is a situation where you are friends with people who have a pattern of poor choices, then things are going to keep being a mystery to you. There will be a pregnancy now,......and then there will be something else later. I am not trying to be a debbie-downer with this,..but having read your words, I think you have probably long figured out, you would rather see the negatives and not go into things blindly. So,..acknowledge what could go wrong, so you can carve a path to a better chance of things going right.

Make communication a priority. It`s not good enough anymore to keep giving it a back-seat. Answers are needed, before you 'blow'.

Everyone patting you on the head and telling you not to worry, is not going to work for you.

Last edited by SourGirl; 03-14-2012 at 03:50 PM.
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  #12  
Old 03-14-2012, 03:47 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
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This is unusual enough to have a name for it? I wouldn't think there would be any other way. A child is upset, comfort him or her. What are parents doing these days that this is unique? <sigh> Never mind my tangent, I'm child-free myself but just had to comment.
Unfortunately, yes this is unusual enough to have a name for it. Most of the parents my age I know put their kids in their rooms at night, and block the door some way, and the child stays in there regardless with the parent at most coming back in to say "go to sleep". L and I are possibly extreme the other direction, both still nursing children over 2 years of age while also nursing our younger children. We both have done lots of research on evolutionary and biological human norms and believe that human children self-wean between the ages of 2 and 7 years and that we will do our best to support that while still respecting our own needs in our nursing relationships. So we both still nurse our children to sleep and our children sleep in the same rooms we do (anything sexual happens elsewhere).



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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Do you mean they have a rule that both of them must be involved sexually at the same time whenever they are with one of you? Or do they insist that it be both of them with both of you all the time?
The rule is both of them or neither of them. Our rule is actually the opposite. Because of the way things started I feel I need to develop my relationship with them, at least physically, independently of S so until I feel comfortable in that regard I have asked that physicality with them be with only one or the other of S and I at a time. I know myself enough to know that if it were all 4 of us in a room and the 3 of them started getting physical I could very easily be pressured into something I am not ready for, and probably without even speaking up enough to let them know I'm not ready. I also would feel like I was just "along for the ride" so to speak and being involved just because I was there and not because L and B really wanted to be involved that way with me, so I do not want to put myself in that position.
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  #13  
Old 03-14-2012, 05:22 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I am going to suggest some interesting ways to get chat-time.

- I think you might have to look at the option of going to bed MUCH earlier, and getting up earlier. Early in the morning, is when kids tend to be happy to eat, and play amongst themselves for a bit. The day is just getting started, so you wont have that 'parental-guilt' about spending the quality time with them. You`ll know you will see your children later on in the day for that.

- Driving in a car. My husband and I, would go together to MANY places, that we didn`t really need to travel together. Why ? Well glad you asked,.......because you can get a lot accomplished in the 'talking' category when children are buckled into their car seats. Less fighting, less talking, no running around. This is a perfect time to discuss things.
Unfortunately going to bed earlier and getting up early is not an option for face time here unless I want to give up my time with S, and that is not an option for me. She is my first priority when it comes to relationships. The issue is she works nights so she will never be an early riser as long as this is the case. On a typical night she gets off work between Midnight and 2am. I simply cannot expect her to be up early, so if I want to be able to spend time with her on her days off I need to be able to be up later in the evening, not early in the morning when she isn't awake anyway. B also tends to work evenings, getting off at 11:30pm. So the morning thing would only really work for L and I and then at the expense of our primary relationships. The car idea is very good though.

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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
If this is more then 'transitional' type of place in life, that may be why you feel the outsider. Because you are. Your partner might be identifying indirectly with them. She is going through transitions, and struggling, and so are they. That is very bonding. You are being viewed as 'the rock', and the person with their shit-together.


Man does this hit home, and it HURTS! After the first incident with all of them, when we finally got the 4 of us together to talk they were sitting there joking up a storm and L turned to me and said "Okay (Lemon) bring us back to earth and let's get this started". I'm totally viewed as the most mature and stable person, and honestly now that I think about that I feel it is really unfair. I am expected to be the "rock" and maintain stability for all of them. But it's not as if I'm not going through transitions of my own. My own life is very strongly in transition alongside S's, not to mention that any relationship development is transitional for all involved. Oh so many emotions. :/
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  #14  
Old 03-14-2012, 05:30 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Man does this hit home, and it HURTS! After the first incident with all of them, when we finally got the 4 of us together to talk they were sitting there joking up a storm and L turned to me and said "Okay (Lemon) bring us back to earth and let's get this started". I'm totally viewed as the most mature and stable person, and honestly now that I think about that I feel it is really unfair. I am expected to be the "rock" and maintain stability for all of them. But it's not as if I'm not going through transitions of my own. My own life is very strongly in transition alongside S's, not to mention that any relationship development is transitional for all involved. Oh so many emotions. :/
Well, that might be expected of you right now.....but not forever. The key is that when you are having significant problems, they rally around and support you. They can only know if you are having problems if you tell them,..or have a meltdown. Telling them, would be the first option, right ?
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