I feel... calm? Is that right?

[Phy]

Wow, this sounds like us/me big time. I was so exhausted after I first experienced the emotional commotion of two men in my life. When I came back from Lin I needed my adjustment time and time to process things. After the first visit of Lin at our home, Sward and I got into a fight because I was still in 'recharge' phase and couldn't tend to him the way I would have normally because I was just exhausted by the required level of emotional output poly was asking of me to provide.

Let me tell you, as insecure, strained and overwhelmed as you feel by this situation, she feels the same. The reasons are different but the intensity isn't. Give yourself some time and grant her the same. An overwhelming week, an overwhelming event as soon as she came home, don't put her under pressure even more, she needs some time to take a deep breath.

[KyleKat]

Originally Posted by Phy

Wow, this sounds like us/me big time. I was so exhausted after I first experienced the emotional commotion of two men in my life. When I came back from Lin I needed my adjustment time and time to process things. After the first visit of Lin at our home, Sward and I got into a fight because I was still in 'recharge' phase and couldn't tend to him the way I would have normally because I was just exhausted by the required level of emotional output poly was asking of me to provide.

Let me tell you, as insecure, strained and overwhelmed as you feel by this situation, she feels the same. The reasons are different but the intensity isn't. Give yourself some time and grant her the same. An overwhelming week, an overwhelming event as soon as she came home, don't put her under pressure even more, she needs some time to take a deep breath.

You're exactly right and I should have seen that. I'm just so mad at myself for ending the night like that. What the fuck is wrong with me, you know? I mean part of the reason she went on vacation is so we can have time to get away from the arguments and settle down and the first day she's back I pick a fight because I'm horny? Real smooth. I feel worse because of what happened earlier in the day being so great. I hate ruining good moments and yeah there was a several hour gap there but I still feel ridiculous.

Today I start my new work schedule. It's an hour earlier and I set my alarm clock even earlier to give us a chance to talk. She told me last night doesn't matter and I wasn't a jerk all day so it's ok. I just wish I could let go of it... Sigh.

[nycindie]

Yeah, let go. You will gain nothing from beating yourself up over anything. Look at the good things, let go the icky. It's a nice, romantic thing you did with the ring, and I'm sure that made her happy.

I cry at the drop of a hat, but usually that is connected to my thought processes and not my emotions. I might be a little like your wife regarding emotions in that many times people in my life get this idea that I am not reacting or feeling as much as I "should" in a situation. My ex-husband used to get so upset because he thought I wasn't "sentimental enough." But I grew up in a household where self-preservation meant keeping my feelings under wraps, especially when the shit was hitting the fan. I usually liken how I handle stress to a duck. We see a duck on a lake and it looks like it's just sitting there, floating on the water -- BUT under the surface, its little webbed feet are all go-go-go. So, imagine how it feels for someone to seem reserved on the outside while processing a lot of stuff on the inside.

I also wanted to say that, for lots of newly poly people, it helps to have some transition time between being with one lover in their environment and coming back to a partner in their own home environment. It can be hard, and weird, to jump right into day-to-day life and relating. Some people need an hour or two, some a day or two, to process before reconnecting with their SO. There is a thread that started to address that here: How do you avoid distraction?

Most important, though, is to stop beating yourself up. Now.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

I told her she needs to tell me these things up front so I don't sit there wondering what the hell is wrong with me and she told me I need to stop reading into everything so much.

LOL! This sounds so familiar. I'm the emotional one that will read into stuff. The problem here is that it becomes a vicious circle. As long as she is withdrawn and NOT telling you what's going on, you will read into stuff. Yes you can make the effort to NOT read into stuff as much, but she also needs to make an effort to keep you clued in to what's going on with her.

My husband will get offended if I ask "What's wrong", because in his mind, there is nothing "wrong", he's just thinking. It didn't occur to him that his non-responsiveness would have a negative effect on me. I have had to learn (still learning) to say things like "Something is off, I can't put my finger on it, but something is just off with you, can you clue me in a little because I'm starting to take it personally? If you need more time to process before giving me details, fine, just keep me in the loop." This seems to work for us better than anything else.

I'm chalking this day up to us being overwhelmed. We always seem to fight after big events and a week vacation followed by me proposing is about as big as it gets.

This also sounds familiar.

[KyleKat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Yeah, let go. You will gain nothing from beating yourself up over anything. Look at the good things, let go the icky. It's a nice, romantic thing you did with the ring, and I'm sure that made her happy.

I cry at the drop of a hat, but usually that is connected to my thought processes and not my emotions. I might be a little like your wife regarding emotions in that many times people in my life get this idea that I am not reacting or feeling as much as I "should" in a situation. My ex-husband used to get so upset because he thought I wasn't "sentimental enough." But I grew up in a household where self-preservation meant keeping my feelings under wraps, especially when the shit was hitting the fan. I usually liken how I handle stress to a duck. We see a duck on a lake and it looks like it's just sitting there, floating on the water -- BUT under the surface, its little webbed feet are all go-go-go. So, imagine how it feels for someone to seem reserved on the outside while processing a lot of stuff on the inside.

I also wanted to say that, for lots of newly poly people, it helps to have some transition time between being with one lover in their environment and coming back to a partner in their own home environment. It can be hard, and weird, to jump right into day-to-day life and relating. Some people need an hour or two, some a day or two, to process before reconnecting with their SO. There is a thread that started to address that here: How do you avoid distraction?

Most important, though, is to stop beating yourself up. Now.

Thanks for the link. That looks pretty helpful. My wife is definitely a lot like that. She handles a lot under the surface and it destroys me that she won't let me in. I need to learn that's just her way of dealing with it, though, and it's not personal. Her childhood was similar in nature to yours.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

LOL! This sounds so familiar. I'm the emotional one that will read into stuff. The problem here is that it becomes a vicious circle. As long as she is withdrawn and NOT telling you what's going on, you will read into stuff. Yes you can make the effort to NOT read into stuff as much, but she also needs to make an effort to keep you clued in to what's going on with her.

My husband will get offended if I ask "What's wrong", because in his mind, there is nothing "wrong", he's just thinking. It didn't occur to him that his non-responsiveness would have a negative effect on me. I have had to learn (still learning) to say things like "Something is off, I can't put my finger on it, but something is just off with you, can you clue me in a little because I'm starting to take it personally? If you need more time to process before giving me details, fine, just keep me in the loop." This seems to work for us better than anything else.

Yeah she hates that I ask her what's wrong all the time. Today I managed to ask her a different way and we had a long, long conversation about where our relationship is headed. I feel like I understand her needs better and I'm going to do what is necessary to keep her happy, even if that means letting her go on extended vacations more often (and not bombarding her with romance and personal needs the moment she returns).

Thanks everyone!