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  #11  
Old 11-23-2009, 03:56 PM
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I used to think that way. But I found the treasure of having a person in your life far outweighs any pain that the distance creates. Perhaps it's because I'm a person that has moved great distances in my life. Perhaps it's because my brother's now marriage started off as a long distance relationship for 3 years, with her living in Turkey and him living in the States. If I were monogamous, I would still weigh the connection over the distance and would probably have the goal of resolving that distance. But I also know that in my life, I won't be able to resolve such things with all of my connections, but I choose to keep the connections because it would hurt me more to lose that.

Monogamous with monoagomous I could see having an easier time of it. Monogamous with poly I personally can't even fathom. That is probably due to my interpretation of commitment. I don't recommend mono/poly relationships to anyone and in a LDR situation I am humbled by Hodge's strenght.
Best of luck to anyone strong enough to do this. I tilt my hat to them.
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  #12  
Old 11-23-2009, 04:10 PM
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If you happen to meet a wonderful amazing person with whom you connect deeply with, why settle for not having them in your life at all when you can have them in your life in some capacity, even if it's limited? How does having that connection prevent you from being able to achieve "great"?
Its just not my definiton of "great" I guess. Not that they wouldn't be in my life though. I just know myself and know that my relationship with them would dwindle quickly and never reach the level it possibly could. I wouldn't want to set someone up like that. I've hurt people before with this as they thought it was something it wasn't and been recentful towards them for demanding my time when its over. It just really wouldn't be fair to anyone. I have to be clear with my boundaries when it comes up. On line romances just aren't for me.
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2009, 04:16 PM
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I've hurt people before with this as they thought it was something it wasn't and been recentful towards them for demanding my time when its over. It just really wouldn't be fair to anyone. I have to be clear with my boundaries when it comes up. On line romances just aren't for me.
I just make sure with any connections that are maintained online that those limitations are very clear between the two of us. I also only maintain online connections with people I knew originally in real life and proximity and then got separated by distance. I just can't see turning off feelings for them despite the distance. I can definitely see recognizing the limitations of it, but that's all part of letting a relationship be what it is rather than stuffing it into some expectation of what we think it should be. Especially with having moved great distances, I would lose some very amazing people in my life if I let distance separate us.
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  #14  
Old 11-23-2009, 04:26 PM
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MonoVCPHG! I've been perusing your posts (on other threads) with great interest. I don't know if I have the strength, quite frankly. I want to see her happy, but I wouldn't stay in the relationship just for her sake. I think I can honestly say I'd take a bullet for that woman, but taking a bullet is easy because it's quick and painless. I'm not sure I could submit myself to a situation where I'd be quietly suffering my lot just to make her happy (nor do I think she could be happy under such circumstances) or for the occasional happy moment. Of course a relationship is not always happy; it's very much about the *unhappy* moments, too. From my current perspective, it's about finding out whether I'm "too mono" for this or not... and if I am and if the situation turns out to be too painful, I'll seriously thinking about ending the relationship. But right now, I see no reason to jump the gun. Why give up something so wonderful out of fear of being hurt? Why not first find out whether I or she (or the other he) can handle it? For both of us, this is unknown territory, and we both have to wait and see how we respond and adapt to the new situation. And reading about poly relationships and discussing it with others has already helped me a lot.

However, you do raise a very important question that's been on my mind: how does "commitment" pan out in a long-distance poly relationship? My girlfriend has been very wonderful in sending me reassuring messages these past couple of days, but of course when left to my own devices I do feel, well, not forsaken but I certainly do find myself wondering about my presence in her mind ... before she "rediscovered" it, I had this permanent sense of me thinking about her and her thinking about me, and we'd tell each other how we'd wander through the streets and smile because we were thinking about each other. And I believe it's going to be much harder to sustain this in the coming months. I find it also really hard not to over-worry and over-interpret signs... maybe you've made similar experiences, Mono? You know, you look at the way she phrases certain things, the way she chooses to respond to certain things you say, and you immediately start asking yourself whether it's a signal that something's different... I'm still trying to wrap my heart around the notion of love as something that's not measurable... about notions of sufficiency, or "secondary" not necessarily meaning "less loved"... I can understand these things rationally, but my gut doesn't process them as easily.

In any case, I'll let you know if I find the strength. I certainly hope so. But judging by some of the responses I'm getting, I better brace myself. And the most feasible way to do that right now seems to me to talk a lot and be open and honest and read and learn.
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  #15  
Old 11-23-2009, 04:31 PM
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It sounds to me like the mono/poly dynamic is more the issue here than the long distance, though the distance can indeed exacerbate the issue and create even less security.
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  #16  
Old 11-23-2009, 06:09 PM
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I guess I'm talking more about meeting on-line than knowing someone and moving away Ceoli. Knowing someone first would mean that you know you get along on a day to day basis and are physically attracted. On line that is blurred considerably. That's not to say that one can't flirt, tell secrets, be loving and talk about ideas and day to day stuff. I just find more and more people on line are far more trusting and ready to make a relationship more than it is. Those boundaries some times need clarifying quickly.

Hodge I feel for you and my heart is breaking for you already. Knowing my dear Mono's heart he would never be able to do it I don't think.

I live in a Navy city where some of my friends say good bye to their spouses for up to 6 monthes at a time. I see how it effects them and their families. How kids are raised to not bond entirely with their parent. I'm a strong believer in "attachment theory" when it comes to raising kids. I love the whole global community thing but really do best with the old school ways of working towards my community being around me and tangable.

That being said I love you folks on here and feel the love from you back. I give it back too but I like to think in context of that distance. How many times have people come on here and taken it all way too seriously? Its all tied in for me. For me context is so important when thinking of long distant relationships.
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  #17  
Old 11-23-2009, 07:21 PM
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I just find more and more people on line are far more trusting and ready to make a relationship more than it is. Those boundaries some times need clarifying quickly.
True that
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  #18  
Old 11-23-2009, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Hodge View Post
I find it also really hard not to over-worry and over-interpret signs... maybe you've made similar experiences, Mono? You know, you look at the way she phrases certain things, the way she chooses to respond to certain things you say, and you immediately start asking yourself whether it's a signal that something's different... I'm still trying to wrap my heart around the notion of love as something that's not measurable... about notions of sufficiency, or "secondary" not necessarily meaning "less loved"... I can understand these things rationally, but my gut doesn't process them as easily.

.
My friend ,you have no idea how I use to see and interpret things LOL!! I was the depiction of walking paranoia. That eased with time for me but I am right with Redpepper. When we didn't get to see each other for a couple a days I would get weirded out and feel disconnected. We both still feel the disconnect if we go too long without at least seing each other briefly.
She is right in assuming I couldn't do the LDR thing in our mono/poly relationship. That doesn't mean you can't though. It just wouldn't be healthy for me which would make it unhealthy for her.
I don't like to see people end things prematurely or not take as much positive from every relationship, but I do like people to be realistic and keep their mental health in mind when facing these challenges.

You have already shown great strenght in my eyes.
Take care
Mono
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  #19  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:45 AM
LuvNWonder LuvNWonder is offline
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I hesitate to answer because of being such a rank newby. but my *feeling* is that you should communicate as much as possible...text, phone, ESP, whatever you can...always pausing to make it as complete as possible and address issues as clearly as you can.
expect issues of jealousy, discomfort, maybe even anger and frustration but try to discuss the specific reasons for those feelings rather than the feelings themselves.
Wife and I have Guidelines more than rules, and the guidelines suggest face to face meetings, much texting, and chatting between everyone before we launch into a physical relationship. but we've also discussed that a face to face is logistically difficult given our separation, so other forms of communication will have to fill the gap.
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  #20  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:52 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I guess I'm talking more about meeting on-line than knowing someone and moving away Ceoli. Knowing someone first would mean that you know you get along on a day to day basis and are physically attracted. On line that is blurred considerably. That's not to say that one can't flirt, tell secrets, be loving and talk about ideas and day to day stuff. I just find more and more people on line are far more trusting and ready to make a relationship more than it is. Those boundaries some times need clarifying quickly.
I generally agree with that, but have to also acknowledge that my brother met his wife after accidentally messaging her instead of his friend on Yahoo. She's Turkish and was living in Turkey at the time. They continued chatting online and recognized a connection. He visited her, she visited him etc. Now she lives here and they have been married for 9 years with two beautiful girls. So I never say never

Also I think it bears note that digital communication in general takes on an increasingly significant role in our day to day communication. It stands to reason that it would also have an effect on the paradigms of how we relate in relationships as well. Whether that's a good or a bad thing remains to be seen. I'm sure a lot of people felt leery of the phone when it first came out too.
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